Separating and Divorcing Husband Who Is Very Difficult

AskAsk

BigMac79 said:

She doesn't want to move out as she feels she would just be handing him the house. Womens Aid have arranged for a solicitor to call her on Monday for a free initial consultation.

I think she is so used to him manipulating to get his own way that she fears he will be able to do this and push her out as his only objective seems to be to make her life hell.

but is it worth staying and having to put up with his bahaviour?  she doesn't sound like the sort that fights back so she will always be on the losing end.  she wouldn't be giving him the house as the courts will determine that whether she stays or moves out.  her solicitor will be able to advise her, but i don't believe her moving out will have any effect on whether she gets to keep the house or not.

BigMac79

AskAsk said:

BigMac79 said:

She doesn't want to move out as she feels she would just be handing him the house. Womens Aid have arranged for a solicitor to call her on Monday for a free initial consultation.

I think she is so used to him manipulating to get his own way that she fears he will be able to do this and push her out as his only objective seems to be to make her life hell.

but is it worth staying and having to put up with his bahaviour?  she doesn't sound like the sort that fights back so she will always be on the losing end.  she wouldn't be giving him the house as the courts will determine that whether she stays or moves out.  her solicitor will be able to advise her, but i don't believe her moving out will have any effect on whether she gets to keep the house or not.

No but she is so used to him getting his own way that shes worrying about it happening again here. Hopefully the solicitor can reassure her on Monday and provide some assistance as to what could be done to combat his behaviour. Perhaps an occupation order.

AskAsk

BigMac79 said:

AskAsk said:

BigMac79 said:

She doesn't want to move out as she feels she would just be handing him the house. Womens Aid have arranged for a solicitor to call her on Monday for a free initial consultation.

I think she is so used to him manipulating to get his own way that she fears he will be able to do this and push her out as his only objective seems to be to make her life hell.

but is it worth staying and having to put up with his bahaviour?  she doesn't sound like the sort that fights back so she will always be on the losing end.  she wouldn't be giving him the house as the courts will determine that whether she stays or moves out.  her solicitor will be able to advise her, but i don't believe her moving out will have any effect on whether she gets to keep the house or not.

No but she is so used to him getting his own way that shes worrying about it happening again here. Hopefully the solicitor can reassure her on Monday and provide some assistance as to what could be done to combat his behaviour. Perhaps an occupation order.

i think the solicitor will be able to assure her that by moving out, she doesn't lose the right to move back in when she wants and that she won't lose the house.  i believe that if he changed the locks when she has moved out to prevent her moving back in, then she can get an occupation order to move back in, and I believe he can be thrown out if he does this.  but the solicitor will be able to confirm all this (or possibly not if I am wrong).

him getting his way is how he treats her, not how he gets away as far as the law stands.  no one gets away with that.  the ownership of the house is clearly defined under law and his behaviour won't change that.  unless it changes it in her favour if he ever gets done for physical abuse.

squirrelchops2

Would she consider going to the Police as coercive control is now recognised as an act of domestic abuse alongside the emotional abuse he has inflicted on her. The Police could look at issuing a DVPO - domestic violence prevention order and having him live away from the house for 28 days thus giving her some space to get things sorted.

elsien

squirrelchops2 said:

Would she consider going to the Police as coercive control is now recognised as an act of domestic abuse alongside the emotional abuse he has inflicted on her. The Police could look at issuing a DVPO - domestic violence prevention order and having him live away from the house for 28 days thus giving her some space to get things sorted.

Does there not have to be some evidence for this? 

Just thinking of a non abusive relative who got a harassment warning on the basis of just the ex’s word for contacting her to arrange how to pick up the children for their court agreed visit. Which is very unfair. 

squirrelchops2

elsien said:

Does there not have to be some evidence for this? 

Just thinking of a non abusive relative who got a harassment warning on the basis of just the ex’s word for contacting her to arrange how to pick up the children for their court agreed visit. Which is very unfair. 

This is why the definition of what is classed as domestic abuse has altered as nowadays it is recognised that emotional abuse or coercive control is as harmful as physical abuse. How does one evidence it? The individual or person who has survived the abuse would have to clearly explain how they were controlled, how the other person used coercive control and how fearful they were of the person using this behaviour. The OP has described the person as controlling and bullying. There is evidence already that he is being controlling in this scenario now she is trying to leave him, he is using the child as a pawn to get what he wants - again exhibiting control. Women's Aid are involved, they don't just become involved unless their is domestic abuse, that in itself says a lot.
 
I have re read the OP and there is clear coercive controlling behaviour from this man and verbal abuse that has taken place over years by the sounds of it.

burlingtonfl6

elsien said:

squirrelchops2 said:

Would she consider going to the Police as coercive control is now recognised as an act of domestic abuse alongside the emotional abuse he has inflicted on her. The Police could look at issuing a DVPO - domestic violence prevention order and having him live away from the house for 28 days thus giving her some space to get things sorted.

Does there not have to be some evidence for this? 

Just thinking of a non abusive relative who got a harassment warning on the basis of just the ex’s word for contacting her to arrange how to pick up the children for their court agreed visit. Which is very unfair. 

Yeah, I never understood the ''Believe all women'' motto
Do all women tell the truth now? 

elsien

squirrelchops2 said:

elsien said:

Does there not have to be some evidence for this? 

Just thinking of a non abusive relative who got a harassment warning on the basis of just the ex’s word for contacting her to arrange how to pick up the children for their court agreed visit. Which is very unfair. 

This is why the definition of what is classed as domestic abuse has altered as nowadays it is recognised that emotional abuse or coercive control is as harmful as physical abuse. How does one evidence it? The individual or person who has survived the abuse would have to clearly explain how they were controlled, how the other person used coercive control and how fearful they were of the person using this behaviour. The OP has described the person as controlling and bullying. There is evidence already that he is being controlling in this scenario now she is trying to leave him, he is using the child as a pawn to get what he wants - again exhibiting control. Women's Aid are involved, they don't just become involved unless their is domestic abuse, that in itself says a lot.
 
I have re read the OP and there is clear coercive controlling behaviour from this man and verbal abuse that has taken place over years by the sounds of it.

I am not disputing the coercive behaviour does exist. What I disagree with is the implication that anyone who states they are subject to this behaviour (which I do realise is hard to evidence) can has their partner slapped with various orders just on their say so. 
Women's aid are involved because she phoned them. No more, no less. The OP clearly believes her friend has been subject to abuse; it may well be true. I'm just saying that there are always two versions and other options - it sounds like she is staying because she wants to stay in the house. Financially she does have the option to move out, at least temporarily,  if living there has become so unbearable but at present she is choosing not to do so. That isn't someone who is hanging on in there because there are no other choices. 

sassyblue

The trouble with bullying and controlling spouses is that they don’t want to let go of their control - ever.  Your friend is unfortunately continuing what she does by ignoring him for a quiet life. 

I hope she finds herself a good solicitor but, as others say, if she can afford to I would move out. He needs to clear the house of his clutter, which we all know he won’t want to do, if your friend stays there she may try clearing it in order to resolve the situation but again, HE would be in control making her life difficult so he gets his way. 

I’d move out and get a strong solicitor to keep on at him so she gets the divorce and financial settlement she needs to move on. She needs to start as she means to go on, every time she backs down he'll see it as a victory. Get tough on him and don’t fall for any tears or sob stories because controllers like this will try everything they can.

tell her to be tough and stop being nice. He'll learn.

Aranyani

burlingtonfl6 said:

elsien said:

squirrelchops2 said:

Would she consider going to the Police as coercive control is now recognised as an act of domestic abuse alongside the emotional abuse he has inflicted on her. The Police could look at issuing a DVPO - domestic violence prevention order and having him live away from the house for 28 days thus giving her some space to get things sorted.

Does there not have to be some evidence for this? 

Just thinking of a non abusive relative who got a harassment warning on the basis of just the ex’s word for contacting her to arrange how to pick up the children for their court agreed visit. Which is very unfair. 

Yeah, I never understood the ''Believe all women'' motto
Do all women tell the truth now? 

The issue is more that when women aren't believed they end up dead far too frequently.