Husband had an affair for a year :-(

nora_nora

ontheroad1970 said:

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

Women's refuges are for those in situations where they are being abused and in fear of their safety.  They are not appropriate in this circumstance.  At all.

So your advice instead is?

kimwp

nora_nora said:

ontheroad1970 said:

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

Women's refuges are for those in situations where they are being abused and in fear of their safety.  They are not appropriate in this circumstance.  At all.

So your advice instead is?

@nora_nora, unless she or her children are in danger, a refuge is not appropriate. There is no requirement to offer an alternative to a  disproportionate and charity fund wasting suggestion.

ontheroad1970

nora_nora said:

ontheroad1970 said:

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

Women's refuges are for those in situations where they are being abused and in fear of their safety.  They are not appropriate in this circumstance.  At all.

So your advice instead is?

Not to follow your advice.  Places in refuges for those that desperately need them are scarce enough as it is.  

For the OP, I would definitely consider changing employment at some stage if you can find something that you enjoy as much that pays at least what you are getting.  Only you can decide what your ultimate next step will be.  Take it steady with no rash decisions.  

Comms69

nora_nora said:

ontheroad1970 said:

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

Women's refuges are for those in situations where they are being abused and in fear of their safety.  They are not appropriate in this circumstance.  At all.

So your advice instead is?

Dont waste limited resources needlessly. Seems solid advice to me. 

It's a shame you think women are all weak and fragile....

pickledonionspaceraider

It seems the OP came on here to let of steam and get a little advice, perhaps from folk that have been in similar situations , not open up a whole debate.  
Can people not see how intense this thread has become, folk debating and quotes upon quotes of this...it is a bit intense

I don't think the idea is to come up with a 'team solution' where everyone agrees - more to offer ideas of solutions, opinions of what we might do ourselves,  and at the end of the day it is up to the OP.
Some people get through affairs, some don't.  

OK, so this is my opinion - if it were me, I would take some time to consider this. Assuming I and my children, are not in danger. I would get him to go and stay with his family for the short term, whilst considering my feelings and options.
Defo could not continue in that employment.  I would not even consider telling the kids at this stage.  Not unless a separation is on the cards.  Telling them now will be a burden to them.  If you tell them, there is no way back from that.  You will then not just have 'headspace' to think about your own choices, your headspace will be taken up with how they are handling this shocking revelation, and their thoughts about whether you should stay together as a family unit - and then it becomes a group decision, not just your own.  Right now, you don't have to do anything.  Seriously do not tell the kids.  To me, this might even seem like a revenge tac-tic.  It wouldn't be for the correct purposes.  Nothing to be gained whatsoever from it, right now.  Like I say, down the line if separation is on the cards, then yes, they should know the cause for such

Please bear in mind, that my post, along with everyone else's, are just opinions, there are no right or wrongs.  You do what you feel you need to do, for you. 

blueberrygerry

TBagpuss said:

You've had a possible shock and it is reasonable for you to take some time to decide hat you want.

Don't minimize what he has done. He lied to you over a long period of time, over something fundamental to your marriage. He gad-li you to the extent that you started to doubt yourself. Now he has been found out, he doesn't want there to be any consequences for him.

I think that therapy, for you and for you as a couple, would be helpful, but I think you need to be considering what reason you have to think that he is going to change? Because there would need to be a fairly huge change in his behavior and attitude towards you and the marriage - him saying sorry and trying to go back to how things used to be isn't enough, you need to be able to see that he has understood and accepted how serious his behavior is, and to feel confident that his underlying approach has changed enough that you can trust him not to do something similar next time he gets bored or fi ds someone willing to flirt with him.  You also need yto decide whether you actually want to put in all that work and emotional labour - feeling you can't afford to leave is not a good reason to stay in a bad marriage, and staying together 'for the sake of the children' is almost always a terrible idea, all you do is model unhealthy patterns of behavior and relationships for your children.

You say that you had a great marriage but stop and look at it in light of what you know now about his willingness to lie to you and manipulate you. 

It's reasonable to tell him to move into the spare room. It would be perfectly reasonable to say to him that yes, you need him to take a week or two of his holiday and go somewhere so you can have time a space to decide what you want to have happen next. And maybe use some of that time to get some legal advice for yourself so you have a clearer idea of what your options are

If you decide that you are willing to give him the chance to work on repairing things, decide what you need to be able to do that. For instance, does it involve him looking for a new job so he is no longer working with her (difficult in this climate, but he could make a start) Or supporting you financially if you do so, if you can't continue to work with her.

This is excellent advice.

wellthisisawkward

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and for the support. It has been a horrible and emotionally draining time. After lots of soul searching I realised I’m not ready to give up on ‘us’ yet, my husband and I have been doing a lot of talking, more than we have in a long time. 

I mentioned the idea of therapy, something he’s always been against, and to my surprise he has taken on the responsibility of trying to find someone for us. He can’t tell me why he did it, he doesn’t know, and I do believe him. He said he wishes he could give me an answer, he just took me for granted. I do believe him when he says he loves me and he’s sorry. We both know this isn’t an easy fix and he understands I could change my mind at any time. To give me that choice we are concentrating on building up my savings and paying my credit card. 

Everyday I go from feeling strong and independent, to a snivelling mess, to very angry. But we talk a lot now and realise that we’d stopped talking a while back. He says he now realised that he hasn’t once put me first for years now, we’ve done everything that he wants. That is going to change going forward. He even joked he wished things were back to normal so he could turn down a boys weekend away to stay with the girls and me for a change lol. 

I honestly don’t know what the future holds for us but for as long as he is trying I will too x

Artytarty

Well im so glad to read your positive post.
it sounds as if you are both committed to a future together  and are prepared to work for it.
Thanks for the update.

Pollycat

Hope you manage to work it through.

74jax

wellthisisawkward said:

After lots of soul searching I realised I’m not ready to give up on ‘us’ yet, 

He can’t tell me why he did it, he doesn’t know, and I do believe him.
I do believe him when he says he loves me
To give me that choice we are concentrating on building up my savings and paying my credit card. 

He even joked he wished things were back to normal so he could turn down a boys weekend away to stay with the girls and me for a change lol. 

I honestly don’t know what the future holds for us but for as long as he is trying I will too x

Thank you so much for your update. 
I hope you start therapy very soon, and he's not dragging it out so you never actually get round to doing it. If only for him to investigate why he did it and so he won't in the future. Not knowing why could mean he does it again until he realises why.
Therapy might help him understand if you love someone you don't usually do that. I know you say you believe him when he says he loves you, so talking to someone could help you both agree what loving someone usually means - at the moment he believes one thing and you believe another. 
I don't think he's in a position to joke either. If he thinks turning down a weekend is the way to prove he won't cheat, then he definately needs to get his head sorted. You can go away and not cheat.
And don't forget, you have options now. You do not need to work on getting options, whatever debt you have does not stop you from having options and don't let him think that it does. 
I really hope he proves himself, every day, and by this weekend you have a way forward with therapy he's booked.. 
And don't forget not to let him anywhere near you until he's got a clear sexual health test (and you) although him being near you is probably the last thing on your mind, make sure you both have this soon.