Husband had an affair for a year :-(

wellthisisawkward

So this is so awkward I’ve created a separate account to post this. I’ve been married for 15 years, happily so I thought and I find out today that last autumn my husband had an affair with a work colleague. The physical side lasted 3 months, but they continue to send flirty messages until today. He is begging me not to go, but I have no where to go, I want to believe he doesn’t know why he did it, but how can I. The worst bit is I asked him several times if he was sleeping with her and he denied it to the point of gaslighting me so bad I thought I needed councelling for my trust issues. Her husband knows. They’re in an open marriage apparently but I can only keep saying but we arent. He says he loves me only me but how can I believe and trust him

I can’t leave I have no money and I can’t scream because t will upset the children. Lost doesn’t even describe how I’m feeling. What do I do

AskAsk

yikes.  i feel for you.  the first thing to do is not to panic and overreact.  calm down, take time out to think about things before you come to any decision.

so how did you find out?  did he confess?

wellthisisawkward

Embarrassingly i sneakily logged onto his computer and downloaded his iMessages. Saying how he couldn’t stop looking at her picture and how he was losing the will to live being apart :-(. I then messaged her. She thought I already knew, he’d told her we cheat on each other all the time. (I have never been unfaithful) You couldn’t make it up. We all work together so I have to see her when we’re in the office later this week. 

AskAsk

wellthisisawkward said:

Embarrassingly i sneakily logged onto his computer and downloaded his iMessages. Saying how he couldn’t stop looking at her picture and how he was losing the will to live being apart :-(. I then messaged her. She thought I already knew, he’d told her we cheat on each other all the time. (I have never been unfaithful) You couldn’t make it up. We all work together so I have to see her when we’re in the office later this week. 

so how do you know that the physical part ended after 3 months and not still going on now?

SweetPotatoPie

Firstly, sorry to hear about this. Must be a complete shock.
Secondly, he is begging you not to go? Tell him you won’t be going anywhere, but he should. 

Martin_the_Unjust

SweetPotatoPie said:

Firstly, sorry to hear about this. Must be a complete shock.
Secondly, he is begging you not to go? Tell him you won’t be going anywhere, but he should. 

.......is the right answer.

wellthisisawkward

I guess I don’t know it’s ended? But we’ve been working from home since March and only back in the office 6 weeks ago. 

I want to believe him. I love him but I feel I’ve been punched in the stomach. 

Now I need to play happy families with the children for dinner. At 15 and 14 I don’t know how to tell them or if I should 

swingaloo2

So in actual fact he has not just been lying to you but he is also lying to her. No wonder you are upset. Im not sure about how you handled finding out, messaging her etc but what I would say is take time to think thigs through although it wont be easy. Don't make a snap decision whilst you are in a state of shock.  Clearly he is not wanting to run off with this woman nor is she wanting him to do so if she is in an open marriage. I would be asking him to move out for a while whilst you think things through.
I found out my first husband was leading a double life many years ago when we had 2 small children. When he was found out he begged me not to throw him out and said he did not want to go to the other woman even though I had found a letter from her going through their 'plans for the future'. I panicked at the thought of being alone with 2 small children, just a part time job and no childcare help and agreed to let him stay and we would work through it.
Even though to my knowledge he never saw her again I regretted my hasty decision for years and we eventually divorced. I now look back at the years I wasted trying to get over his deceit.
 Ask him to go for a while and really think about what you want going forward. Ignore his pleas and put yourself first.

AskAsk

wellthisisawkward said:

I guess I don’t know it’s ended? But we’ve been working from home since March and only back in the office 6 weeks ago. 

I want to believe him. I love him but I feel I’ve been punched in the stomach. 

Now I need to play happy families with the children for dinner. At 15 and 14 I don’t know how to tell them or if I should 

i think the first thing you need to do is work out if it has ended as there is nothing to think about if he continues with the affair.  but if he has ended it or will end it then you may be able to work things out if both of you want to stay together.

unfortunately people cheat, a lot of people do, just not all get found out    it depends on whether there is anything left to salvage from the relationship and how you move forward.

if it were me, i would make it a family issue and let the children know as you keeping it inside you and tip toeing around the issue will only eat away at you and make things worse.  the children should know what a ***** their dad is.  why should they keep on thinking he is white as while when he is clearly muddy.

swingaloo2

AskAsk said:

wellthisisawkward said:

I guess I don’t know it’s ended? But we’ve been working from home since March and only back in the office 6 weeks ago. 

I want to believe him. I love him but I feel I’ve been punched in the stomach. 

Now I need to play happy families with the children for dinner. At 15 and 14 I don’t know how to tell them or if I should 

i think the first thing you need to do is work out if it has ended as there is nothing to think about if he continues with the affair.  but if he has ended it or will end it then you may be able to work things out if both of you want to stay together.

unfortunately people cheat, a lot of people do, just not all get found out    it depends on whether there is anything left to salvage from the relationship and how you move forward.

if it were me, i would make it a family issue and let the children know as you keeping it inside you and tip toeing around the issue will only eat away at you and make things worse.  the children should know what a ***** their dad is.  why should they keep on thinking he is white as while when he is clearly muddy.

Sorry but that is a complete no-no. The children dont need this type of worry and nor should they be led to believe their dad is a *****.  What if mum and dad want to sort this out and get over it?

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

I'm not sure l would tell the children at this stage as being a teen is a delicate time.

 It's not just the act of being unfaithful. He has made you feel like the offending party. He has lied about the nature of your relationship to make himself sound cool and attractive to this woman. He is still attracted to her by the sound of it. And to top it off he asked YOU not to leave? Well l know what l would do.