Husband had an affair for a year :-(

Pollycat

wellthisisawkward said:

Nora_nora I love this idea, but actually I have ordered him to go for an STI check, especially after talking to the OW and her strange boasting about how many men she had been with. It was an odd conversation but some of the stuff she said, whilst confirming how short lived the physical side was and her insistence she ‘loved’ my husband and it was mutual made me realise it wasn’t and he didn’t love her. It’s hard to explain, just nuances in what was said. 

but not yourself?

gettingtheresometime

Pollycat said:

wellthisisawkward said:

Nora_nora I love this idea, but actually I have ordered him to go for an STI check, especially after talking to the OW and her strange boasting about how many men she had been with. It was an odd conversation but some of the stuff she said, whilst confirming how short lived the physical side was and her insistence she ‘loved’ my husband and it was mutual made me realise it wasn’t and he didn’t love her. It’s hard to explain, just nuances in what was said. 

but not yourself?

Yes given he's lied about the affair, you need to take a belt & braces approach to the situation - go & get one yourself.

nora_nora

I'd agree, please get tested too just for your own safety. Not everything has symptoms.

SaintJudy

Don't underestimate how much people will say they're sorry, promise never to do it again etc just to be able to get out of the trouble they're in and make it all go away

sallysaver

wellthisisawkward said:

nora_nora said:

Cut a chilli in half and rub it in the inside of his pants. Let him think he's caught something nasty from old droopy drawers.

Nora_nora I love this idea, but actually I have ordered him to go for an STI check, especially after talking to the OW and her strange boasting about how many men she had been with. It was an odd conversation but some of the stuff she said, whilst confirming how short lived the physical side was and her insistence she ‘loved’ my husband and it was mutual made me realise it wasn’t and he didn’t love her. It’s hard to explain, just nuances in what was said. 

Please, please don't go down the road of believing everything she has told you.  She may be a bigger liar than your husband and of course her version of events could have been fabricated between them. I understand how difficult, upsetting and unpleasant things will be right now and I wish you well in the days ahead.  It's time to look after you.

kimwp

gettingtheresometime said:

kimwp said:

L9XSS said:

Edit. Move the OPs husband or mistress..........

I don't think it's reasonable to move the other woman (unless she wants) - she's done literally nothing wrong - in fact has been duped as well - not only into a relationship but into hurting the OP.

How has she been duped? Given they all work together, the woman knew the husband was married.
I'm not trying to push the blame onto her but she can hardly claim she thought the husband was separated/divorced/single

nora_nora said:

gettingtheresometime said:

kimwp said:

L9XSS said:

Edit. Move the OPs husband or mistress..........

I don't think it's reasonable to move the other woman (unless she wants) - she's done literally nothing wrong - in fact has been duped as well - not only into a relationship but into hurting the OP.

How has she been duped? Given they all work together, the woman knew the husband was married.
I'm not trying to push the blame onto her but she can hardly claim she thought the husband was separated/divorced/single

Kimwp what planet are you on? The other woman knew he was married to someone in the same office & was part of keeping it hidden for a year. She's done everything wrong.

The OP's second message said that the other woman thought that the OP was aware of what was going on. 

In my office (being a professional environment) it's not the norm to bring a relationship into the workplace, so it wouldn't be a matter of hiding it, as it would be considered inappropriate to  discuss.

For the record, the OP has my full sympathies, this must be a horrible situation and I would feel betrayed and heartbroken. I just don't think it's fair to punish the also duped other woman.

kimwp

gettingtheresometime said:

Pollycat said:

wellthisisawkward said:

Nora_nora I love this idea, but actually I have ordered him to go for an STI check, especially after talking to the OW and her strange boasting about how many men she had been with. It was an odd conversation but some of the stuff she said, whilst confirming how short lived the physical side was and her insistence she ‘loved’ my husband and it was mutual made me realise it wasn’t and he didn’t love her. It’s hard to explain, just nuances in what was said. 

but not yourself?

Yes given he's lied about the affair, you need to take a belt & braces approach to the situation - go & get one yourself.

Bear in mind the timing of how long it will take after exposure for certain things to show up on the test xx

Morbier

OP, I feel for you and I can imagine how you feel. I had a similar shock in my marriage many years ago now. Your world has suddenly changed and you've no experience of this new situation. That's normal. Don't do anything drastic at this stage, your feelings and emotions are too upset to make sense of anything. You will still have feelings for your husband, you can't just switch them off. In my marriage, we tried again, but the knowledge that he'd lied once made me unable to trust him ever again. We separated, and then divorced, a few months later.  I don't regret it. 

Don't be persuaded into doing anything you're not happy with, especially at this early stage.  I really do hope you come out 'the other side' a much wiser person. 

ontheroad1970

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

Women's refuges are for those in situations where they are being abused and in fear of their safety.  They are not appropriate in this circumstance.  At all.

itsmejerry04

Aww, Sad, Sorry to hear your situation especially with your children..