Husband had an affair for a year :-(

Marvel1

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

strawb_shortcake

Please don't tell the children the details, I was about 30 I think when I found out one of my parents had been unfaithful. It was hard enough to deal with as an adult I can only imagine how awful it would be for a teenager. 
Between my Sister and I we supported a parent each, my Dad went to stay with her for a few days and I went to my Mum. 
We don't hate the guilty party or think any less of them and we can see what led to the affair taking place. It does cause a few issues now and then but things have returned to normal. 

I think if you can get him to stay elsewhere for a few days to give you some time to think, if he's genuinely sorry this shouldn't be a problem for him. 
Don't make any hasty decisions, whichever way you decide to go there will be difficult days ahead but it will get easier. 
Confide in a friend, and make sure you look after yourself.

wellthisisawkward

Thank you everyone. We took the dog for a long walk to talk away from the children. He has offered to stay with his mum for a few weeks, but that would mean talking holiday for work which would be difficult to explain away. I’ve asked him to move into the spare room until I decide what to do. (He snores terribly so can use that as an excuse for the girls). My gut instinct is to tell him to never darken our door step again, but we’ve had an amazing marriage until the last year, and even then we’ve had some good moments. He’s an amazing dad. I just keep remembering a quote I read that even good people do bad things. I don’t know if we can survive this, right now I’m leaning to no, but I guess for me I need to understand why this happened and I’m far too raw to listen to anything he has to say at the moment. I want to scream from the rooftops what he’s done, but what would that actually achieve, just everyone knowing my business. But I want to thank all off you who’ve replied. I feel a bit less lonely tonight 💕

nora_nora

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

AskAsk

wellthisisawkward said:

Thank you everyone. We took the dog for a long walk to talk away from the children. He has offered to stay with his mum for a few weeks, but that would mean talking holiday for work which would be difficult to explain away. I’ve asked him to move into the spare room until I decide what to do. (He snores terribly so can use that as an excuse for the girls). My gut instinct is to tell him to never darken our door step again, but we’ve had an amazing marriage until the last year, and even then we’ve had some good moments. He’s an amazing dad. I just keep remembering a quote I read that even good people do bad things. I don’t know if we can survive this, right now I’m leaning to no, but I guess for me I need to understand why this happened and I’m far too raw to listen to anything he has to say at the moment. I want to scream from the rooftops what he’s done, but what would that actually achieve, just everyone knowing my business. But I want to thank all off you who’ve replied. I feel a bit less lonely tonight 💕

People cheat because they are bored and looking for excitement and amusement.  They are selfish as they are only thinking about themselves and don't worry about the hurt that their actions can inflict on their partner.  Or they are so arrogant that they think they would never be found out.  They think they are too clever and would be able to pull the wool over their partner's eyes or they think their partner won't be clever enough to catch them out.

Unfortunately it is a character flaw, but this doesn't mean that they don't love the partner that they are cheating on.  They just love themselves more and put their needs and happiness above their partner's.

People also cheat if they feel their partner is neglecting them so they seek the attention elsewhere as they are unhappy at home but they don't want to rock the boat and walk out as that would be too scary and a huge upheaval.

JReacher1

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

I think they do have a point. This doesn’t sound like a situation that women’s refuge would need or want to get involved with. 

Savvy_Sue

wellthisisawkward said:

Thank you everyone. We took the dog for a long walk to talk away from the children. He has offered to stay with his mum for a few weeks, but that would mean talking holiday for work which would be difficult to explain away. I’ve asked him to move into the spare room until I decide what to do. (He snores terribly so can use that as an excuse for the girls). My gut instinct is to tell him to never darken our door step again, but we’ve had an amazing marriage until the last year, and even then we’ve had some good moments. He’s an amazing dad. I just keep remembering a quote I read that even good people do bad things. I don’t know if we can survive this, right now I’m leaning to no, but I guess for me I need to understand why this happened and I’m far too raw to listen to anything he has to say at the moment. I want to scream from the rooftops what he’s done, but what would that actually achieve, just everyone knowing my business. But I want to thank all off you who’ve replied. I feel a bit less lonely tonight 💕

I really really would recommend you - either you alone or both of you - talking to Relate or similar, and I think I'd start with you alone. Because I think it would help you to work out whether you WANT the relationship to succeed, and if you do, I hope he will join you at Relate or similar. I know I wouldn't be able to get over something like this without a lot of honesty on both sides, and I don't think I'd be able to get over that rawness for long enough not to scream at him without an impartial listener in the room ... 

And I'm so glad you have a reason for him to move into the spare room, although teenagers aren't daft. 

And I know this is a very scary thought, but would he be able to get a new job? Or change departments so that he and she are not in each other's faces? 

Pollycat

Mojisola said:

So would the physical side have ended if they hadn't been working from home?

I think I would have to get him to move out temporarily while I sorted out my feelings.  It might also get through to him that he has put his family life at risk through his behaviour.

I'm not sure I could get over the betrayal and the lies.

He also put the OP at potential risk of STD - especially given this:

wellthisisawkward said:

They’re in an open marriage apparently

I would also be concerned about this:

wellthisisawkward said:

The physical side lasted 3 months, but they continue to send flirty messages until today.

How do you feel about your partner sending flirty messages to someone?

I would find that intolerable - even if he hadn't had sex with her for 3 months.

It sounds like the flirty messages went on until you found out, which is not a good sign imho.

nora_nora

It sounds like it wasn't just the flirty messages that carried on til he got caught either.

nora_nora

JReacher1 said:

nora_nora said:

Marvel1 said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

Why? Are they in some sort of danger?

Are you actually offering anything to the debate? 

I think they do have a point. This doesn’t sound like a situation that women’s refuge would need or want to get involved with. 

Refuge isn't just for women fleeing violence.