Husband had an affair for a year :-(

Mojisola

wellthisisawkward said:

I guess I don’t know it’s ended? But we’ve been working from home since March and only back in the office 6 weeks ago. 

So would the physical side have ended if they hadn't been working from home?

I think I would have to get him to move out temporarily while I sorted out my feelings.  It might also get through to him that he has put his family life at risk through his behaviour.

I'm not sure I could get over the betrayal and the lies.

nora_nora

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation. Why do you want to believe someone who has put you at risk of std's and been gaslighting you for a year til you thought you were going mad?  There must be somewhere you can go to even short term surely?

AskAsk

swingaloo2 said:

AskAsk said:

wellthisisawkward said:

I guess I don’t know it’s ended? But we’ve been working from home since March and only back in the office 6 weeks ago. 

I want to believe him. I love him but I feel I’ve been punched in the stomach. 

Now I need to play happy families with the children for dinner. At 15 and 14 I don’t know how to tell them or if I should 

i think the first thing you need to do is work out if it has ended as there is nothing to think about if he continues with the affair.  but if he has ended it or will end it then you may be able to work things out if both of you want to stay together.

unfortunately people cheat, a lot of people do, just not all get found out    it depends on whether there is anything left to salvage from the relationship and how you move forward.

if it were me, i would make it a family issue and let the children know as you keeping it inside you and tip toeing around the issue will only eat away at you and make things worse.  the children should know what a ***** their dad is.  why should they keep on thinking he is white as while when he is clearly muddy.

Sorry but that is a complete no-no. The children dont need this type of worry and nor should they be led to believe their dad is a *****.  What if mum and dad want to sort this out and get over it?

i don't see why their dad's behaviour should be hidden and they have the right to know if there is something wrong.  he should be ashamed of himself and he will more likely do so if his children know what sort of a man he is.  it may very well end up in divorce and separation so they might as well know now rather than later.  if everyone in the family knows then the issue can be discussed openly rather the OP pretending nothing has happened, playing happy family as she says.

but of course this is just my opinion and what i would do, so i am not saying this is advice to the OP.

Mojisola

AskAsk said:

if it were me, i would make it a family issue and let the children know as you keeping it inside you and tip toeing around the issue will only eat away at you and make things worse.  the children should know what a ***** their dad is.  why should they keep on thinking he is white as while when he is clearly muddy.

The children will know something is wrong and it may be worth saying that the parents have some serious things to deal with and they will talk about it with them later on but their Dad, whatever he's like as a husband, is still their Dad and it's not fair to make the children take sides.

Children can be very badly damaged if one parent sets them against the other.

Mojisola

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation.

Tell him to leave, yes.

Take the children away from their home into a women's refuge, no.

None of the family are at risk and there are few enough places for women and children who are in danger.

AskAsk

to all those who say tell the husband to leave.  what if he doesn't want to?  he has the right to stay if he wants to, despite his behaviour.  the only way she can force him out is to get a divorce.

 but of course the OP could ask him to leave and hopefully he will to give her space to think.  but that in itself would tell the children they are separating and what would cause a sudden separation like this?  an affair.  so what's the point of hiding it in the first place?  something this serious will come out sooner or later, so why struggle with all the secrecy and suppression of emotions for something that is inevitable anyway?

ameliarate

I know I wouldn’t be able to trust him again and would definitely ask him to leave, even if it’s phrased as ‘space or think’ for a while. 

The children only need to know their parents are having difficulties, not the details, at least not yet. 

My sympathies to you, having been there I know what it feels like. 

nora_nora

Mojisola said:

nora_nora said:

Tell him you want him to leave. Contact women's refuge, they can probably get you and the children out of this situation.

Tell him to leave, yes.

Take the children away from their home into a women's refuge, no.

None of the family are at risk and there are few enough places for women and children who are in danger.

So what if he says no & won't leave? 

Savvy_Sue

could be worth the OP contacting Relate: might help her work out what SHE wants to happen, whether she wants the marriage to continue or not. 

If he won't move out, I'd definitely move into the spare room. 

Marvel1

AskAsk said:

wellthisisawkward said:

I guess I don’t know it’s ended? But we’ve been working from home since March and only back in the office 6 weeks ago. 

I want to believe him. I love him but I feel I’ve been punched in the stomach. 

Now I need to play happy families with the children for dinner. At 15 and 14 I don’t know how to tell them or if I should 

if it were me, i would make it a family issue and let the children know as you keeping it inside you and tip toeing around the issue will only eat away at you and make things worse.  the children should know what a ***** their dad is.  why should they keep on thinking he is white as while when he is clearly muddy.

Disagree with this, you are bringing the children into this and poisoning them against their Dad.  It's between OP and their husband to sort out.