Dealing with my difficult mother

jennystarpepper

Savvy_Sue said:

jennystarpepper said:

Do not put off getting help, you have mentioned counselling, but can I suggest you seek help from a physiotherapist?   Contact Mind, they will have a list of people in your area who are safe to use and not some random person you have no experience or who is not recommended.   The difference be between the therapies is massive and from my own experience I would look down the path of physiotherapy it will make a huge positive difference to your life, you have things to address so you can get better.

Do you mean psychotherapist / psychotherapy? Physio can be marvellous for getting your body working again, and of course that can help the mind, but I suspect not exactly what you had in mind. Autocorrection on the march, maybe!

Psychotherapy...lol.  Auto correct and specks need a polish I think.  

Durban

I can relate to alot of this.

Have a look at the website Out of the Fog.

-taff

To decide whether or not you are overreacting to this ask yourself..If a friend came to tell you that her mother was behaving like this, what would you tell her?

And so what if she makes a scene? A knee op means she's unlikely to be driving anywhere soon, and if she does come to your house, don't answer the door, the world wont fall apart, birds will still fly in the sky, fish swim in the sea. Absolutely nothing will happen if she does turn up. If she gets loud and arsey, call the police.

You are not responsible for anyones happiness, only your own, you are not responsible for anyones reactions, only your own. Your mother has been hanging over your head for years being a ticking tijme bomb. Time to defuse her.

MoneySeeker1

Another thing that I think is helpful - for a lot of things - is journalling. In a journal one can write anything/everything and know that the "listener" won't judge you.

We go through life thinking "I can't tell this person that - though there is absolutely nothing wrong with it - because they are a disapprover and love disapproving of anyone thinking differently to themselves - and I do". Women can often not tell most other women how they feel - because they'll be judged differently for thinking it than a man would for thinking the exact same thing (yep - even though it's the 21st century now). Others wouldn't disapprove - but would go and "tell the world" and can't be trusted to keep secrets.

In a journal - no-one judges/no-one "tells the world" and it all helps clear things in your own head.

There's probably things you've been keeping quiet about over the years - in case they got back to your mother and she "disapproved". Lots of us have been there in that position I'd think. Having your mother out of your life would leave you free to say this. There is an element of freedom that comes from "letting go" and you might be surprised how many women with better relationships than you've had with your mother only really felt free to say about perfectly innocuous things when the relationship was over (even if it was to death). Mine wasn't in that category - but I'm certainly telling the world a couple of perfectly innocuous things now that my mother is dead - which I wouldnt say before - even though she was the other side of the country - just in case she found out and did "disapproval". Ask most women whose mother was more "normal" than yours, but is now dead, what they now say freely that they wouldnt do before....you might be surprised. Breaking off the relationship with your mother will enable you to stop self-censoring I bet you're still doing...

MrsStepford

Right now, I am being ultra-careful about what I eat and drink, making sure that I get as much sleep as I can and staying hydrated. Those are the basics. My blood glucose is dropping slowly. I eat a ketogenic diet ie ultra low carb, so that my body burs fat, turning it into ketones. Measuring ketones today, I was in correct zone, so blood glucose should follow.The nightmares aren't as bad as they were, so I'm hoping that they will stop altogether, cross fingers.

My husband suggested doing something physical, so I'm creating a home office on a budget for him and doing a budget mini makeover of our bedroom. Measuring, decluttering, cleaning, ordering things online, putting wall art in other rooms. It's helping quite a bit to take my mind off her. 

I am feeling raw though. Husband is being amazing. Lots of extra hugs, kisses and cuddles, cooking great food, watching Prime and Britbox in bed. 

I will respond to the suggestions made later, i need to re-read and process. I really didn't expect such kindness and I appreciate it. 

MoneySeeker1

Sounds like your husband made good constructive suggestions there - you're achieving something constructive/doing something creative/making your home nicer.

Boy - that man is a keeper.

TBagpuss

MrsStepford said:

I asked my husband earlier today, if he thinks my mother is poisonous and he said yes. He added that my younger brother is a pain in the neck. We haven't talked to my brother in ten years and my uncle in fifteen years, though I helped him find his house in France. (Didn't even say thank you). Husband thinks that if we change the phone number, my mother would drive up here and cause a scene, as soon as she is allowed to drive. 

I've been taking part in a couple of Covid mental health studies since March. I realise that I need to distance myself from her to be happy. 

Responding to this specifically, one thing I have seen done (by parents who have to deal with an abusive or controlling ex, in relation to contact for their children) is to get a cheap PAYG phone and keep that solely for contact with, in this case. your mum.
Tell her you have changed your number, and block her number(s) on your main phone.

You can then keep 'her' phone on silent, or turn in on only once a day/twice a week at a time when you feel ready and able to talk to her. You can text her but ca chose when you turn it on to read her replies, so you are not at her beck and call but haven't (as far as she knows) cut her off completely.

You can do the same with e-mail. Set up a dedicated e-mail address for her , then only log on to read mails when you want to, which mean you can limit it (you could, for instance, make sure you only access the phone or emails when your husband is home so you have his support if she is horrible and upsets you, and so he can 'interrupt' you if needed to tell you that supper is on the table, or the cat is on fire, or the Chippendales are at the door, or  whatever, to give you a reason to end the call.

i think the other thing to try to do, which is much harder to say than do, is to tell yourself that she is never going to change, and that she is wrong, and her demands are unreasonable and you are not a bad person or a bad daughter for not hitting a constantly moving target or impossibly high standards. You are never going to be able to do enough to meet her demands, because her demands are not reasonable or even consistent. What she wants is for you to feel guilty and to keep trying to appease her. 

Decide what level of contact you are willing to have, for your own health and wellbeing (which includes, if you want, deciding to have no contact at all, or to have weekly check ins so you know she isn't lying dead in a ditch)  and look for whatever support you need to grieve the loving mother you haven't got, and won't ever have, and to remind yourself that you cannot change how someone else is, you can only change how you react to them, and how much space you let them take up in your head. 

Be as kind to yourself as you would be if this was all happening to a friend you loved and wanted to support. 

MrsStepford

I don't want to talk to my mother at all, right now. My blood glucose is down 9 points and I slept through the night without nightmares, for the first time since she had her tantrum before her surgery. 

It's her birthday on Sunday. Her handmade card didn't arrive until today so no chance to mail it. The Husband will drop it off tomorrow as he i going to buy pork chops at a nearby farm. He's also delivering the get well and birthday presents which I had bought for her previously. 

In total, she's getting handmade card (£10),M&S bouquet (£40), 2 adult colouring books, coloured pencils, sharpener, erasers (mostly Staedtler). Tin Can Cook by Jack Monroe (on offer online at Aldi if anyone's interested), The 21 Day Immunity Plan by Dr Aseem Malhotra, book on 1950s childhood, Highclere Castle blackcurrant jam, Fairy Professional Original Washing Up Liquid 5L (only one she uses) and she'll probably think she's hard done by. My brother (investment manager) gets away with a scarf for Christmas.  

I'm already decided that the most she gets for Christmas if anything at all, will be flowers.

She's negative about me to friends and family, not supportive, manipulative, insulting, abused me, xenophobic and racist, and equates money with love, because Pa spoiled her. Umpteen holidays (just the two of them), multiple wardrobes of designer clothes, loads of shoes, own car, expensive jewellery, original artwork, two part-time gardeners, Harrods store card.. It's not husband's role, to take over spoiling her but we have taken her to lunch in country pubs and invited her on holiday with us. She pulled out last minute and that cost us our deposit. She also changed her mind three days before Christmas and chose to visit my bro after I'd bought all the food (veggie included). Usually she just invites herself and tells my bro that she's spending it with us, without consulting us. So I told her weeks ago, not coming here because of the virus (she refused to isolate and won't wear a mask). 

On a positive note, the home office and bedroom tart ups are going well. Thanks to MSE teaching me bargain hunting skills, I'm picking up stuff I want for cheap. Solid wooden Danish pine bedside tables, wool rugs, Egyptian cotton sheets, anti-allergen pillows. 
I need to ask husband abt blocking number, he may not want to change it because of work. Not getting another phone just for her. 

jennystarpepper

MrsStepford said:

I don't want to talk to my mother at all, right now. My blood glucose is down 9 points and I slept through the night without nightmares, for the first time since she had her tantrum before her surgery. 

It's her birthday on Sunday. Her handmade card didn't arrive until today so no chance to mail it. The Husband will drop it off tomorrow as he i going to buy pork chops at a nearby farm. He's also delivering the get well and birthday presents which I had bought for her previously. 

In total, she's getting handmade card (£10),M&S bouquet (£40), 2 adult colouring books, coloured pencils, sharpener, erasers (mostly Staedtler). Tin Can Cook by Jack Monroe (on offer online at Aldi if anyone's interested), The 21 Day Immunity Plan by Dr Aseem Malhotra, book on 1950s childhood, Highclere Castle blackcurrant jam, Fairy Professional Original Washing Up Liquid 5L (only one she uses) and she'll probably think she's hard done by. My brother (investment manager) gets away with a scarf for Christmas.  

I'm already decided that the most she gets for Christmas if anything at all, will be flowers.

She's negative about me to friends and family, not supportive, manipulative, insulting, abused me, xenophobic and racist, and equates money with love, because Pa spoiled her. Umpteen holidays (just the two of them), multiple wardrobes of designer clothes, loads of shoes, own car, expensive jewellery, original artwork, two part-time gardeners, Harrods store card.. It's not husband's role, to take over spoiling her but we have taken her to lunch in country pubs and invited her on holiday with us. She pulled out last minute and that cost us our deposit. She also changed her mind three days before Christmas and chose to visit my bro after I'd bought all the food (veggie included). Usually she just invites herself and tells my bro that she's spending it with us, without consulting us. So I told her weeks ago, not coming here because of the virus (she refused to isolate and won't wear a mask). 

On a positive note, the home office and bedroom tart ups are going well. Thanks to MSE teaching me bargain hunting skills, I'm picking up stuff I want for cheap. Solid wooden Danish pine bedside tables, wool rugs, Egyptian cotton sheets, anti-allergen pillows. 
I need to ask husband abt blocking number, he may not want to change it because of work. Not getting another phone just for her. 

It is good to see you have had some sleep and doing some home deco. to help you relax.

It is good of your hubby to save you the birthday stress and you have made a positive decision about Christmas.   I agree with you not getting a mobile 'specially' for her, this is not a long term solution for you, waiting or monitoring the phone will still put you on edge.  

You still need to think about a long term plan at some point in the near future.  You are carrying your mothers, pa's and your own baggage about daily, this is too much for anyone, you didn't ask for it so it needs to go.  

Please think about / make a plan and talk to your hubby about seeing a psychotherapist.  It is a hard thing to do, but you will find that you will probably need to go on a waiting list for the moment before you get  to talk to one, ( this will give you time to get used to the idea).  It will not go away without help, you deserve to have a life free of the crap you have carried for so long. 

She is not going to change, but you can.  

Have a nice weekend, treat yourself to something, even if it is a film and a couple of candles with the hubby.... spoil yourself. 

MoneySeeker1

Buying a phone "just for her" could be done very cheaply the last I knew if it came to it. I thought I'd need a new one recently and would have been able to buy one easily for less than £10 (think there was even one available at the time for £1!!!!). These being very basic old-style mobiles and a lot of us have been buying that sort of mobile phone deliberately since start of Lockdown - so there should be a reasonable choice of them now.
EDIT; just checked Argos website - £2.50 for the cheapest basic mobile phone currently from them.

So that's one way to deal with her generally - though she is within her rights not to isolate and not to wear a mask (because we are all within our rights not to do that). Her other behaviour sounds unreasonable though.