Dealing with my difficult mother

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

Last week she said she hoped he would die so I would know what it's like to be on my own. 

That is BEYOND evil.

You don't have to tolerate that sort of behaviour, from ANYONE.

Time to cut her loose. You don't need her, you have a caring husband. Change your phone number and cut her loose. 

Your life will improve beyond anything you could imagine possible.

Abbafan1972

Reading that last sentence saying she hopes your husband would DIE, so you would be on your own, that is just so heart breaking and evil.  Why are you buying this person gifts?  She does not deserve you!

MrsStepford

Two things happened today. I got an envelope from my mother without a note, but stuffed with newspaper clippings on various topics eg dogs, diabetes, a quiz from assorted tabloids which she doesn't buy normally. No idea where they came from as they weren't selling newspapers in the hospital. .

In the afternoon I got a tearful call from her, saying sorry, that she had ben feeling low before her surgery. I told her that I had been very hurt but she cut me off, saying she didn't remember what she had said on Thursday. After the op, she has been on morphine until today and claimed she had hallucinated talking badgers BUT she wasn't on morphine when she said the hateful stuff. I had ordered her a book from Amazon on 50s childhoods and it turned up today. She got all chatty saying it was thoughtful. Probably only because her neighbour was there. She said she'd call me tomoorow. It seems like she thinks normal service has resumed.

Absolutely not the case for me or my husband. She won't be coming here for Christmas !

MrsStepford

Got a phone call this morning and my mother is UNBELEEVABLE.!!! After rambling on about physiotherapy and moaning about the hospital, she asked me how I was. I told her that I wasn't sleeping well because of all the things she said to me, which triggered bad memories. She said: " I only told you that you lack compassion because you didn't say you hoped it went well". It seems in her brain, I should have said that as an opener, not at the end of the phone convo. 

I told her that I decided to get counselling and she said: " Well if you're going to get counselling, I should speak to the counsellor and tell her my side" I was flabbergasted. I told her I can't deal with this and ended the call. 

Went downstairs and told #WFH husband what she said. He replied: " Your mother is a narcissist" and I think he's probably right. She gets her hair tweaked every other week and does a 100 mile trip once or twice a month to get fibreglass nails. She has wardrobes and wardrobes of clothes and lots of expensive scents. 

I think Pa spoiled her rotten and to her now, love = presents and the more expensive, the more she is loved. Obviously, in the real world, that's not the case. But she doesn't live in the real world. 

I'm starting to wonder whether my serial dieting iced bun binging mother is getting Alzheimer's like her mother and the increasing aggression is a sign ???

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

Got a phone call this morning and my mother is UNBELEEVABLE.!!! After rambling on about physiotherapy and moaning about the hospital, she asked me how I was. I told her that I wasn't sleeping well because of all the things she said to me, which triggered bad memories. She said: " I only told you that you lack compassion because you didn't say you hoped it went well". It seems in her brain, I should have said that as an opener, not at the end of the phone convo. 

I told her that I decided to get counselling and she said: " Well if you're going to get counselling, I should speak to the counsellor and tell her my side" I was flabbergasted. I told her I can't deal with this and ended the call. 

Went downstairs and told #WFH husband what she said. He replied: " Your mother is a narcissist" and I think he's probably right. She gets her hair tweaked every other week and does a 100 mile trip once or twice a month to get fibreglass nails. She has wardrobes and wardrobes of clothes and lots of expensive scents. 

I think Pa spoiled her rotten and to her now, love = presents and the more expensive, the more she is loved. Obviously, in the real world, that's not the case. But she doesn't live in the real world. 

I'm starting to wonder whether my serial dieting iced bun binging mother is getting Alzheimer's like her mother and the increasing aggression is a sign ???

Well, if it isn't narcism then your mother is definitely in the "everything in the world is about me" frame of mind. The fact that she wanted to get "her" side of things in first with the counsellor speaks volumes (BTW, hope that the sessions aren't too horrific for you; when I had help, a lot of it was difficult and painful but worth it in the end).

I do wonder, though, why you are making excuses for her behaviour (the reference to Alzheimer's). She's behaved abominably as a mother, mistreated you and abused you throughout your life. You know it, your dad knew it. I know she's your mother but some relatives just aren't worth the effort. And, I am sorry to say, that she is one of them.

Hope you get some better sleep as well.

OrkneyStar

Sounds like the relationship isn't doing any of you any good - time for a frank talk, or, if you feel you need to, then distance yourself from her. Good luck!

MrsStepford

 I'm starting to distance a bit by sending short emails with photos and links so I feel I'm more in control and don't feel guilty about not talking to her. She's walking and having physio and will soon be back to zapping around E Sussex. I don't think she's interested in a mother-daughter relationship so much as having attention. My brother is working from home and he drove down to see her Friday. Would be good if he stepped up to the plate more. I really feel like I need space from her. 

Do still intend to get counselling, but I want to relax more, start doing Pilates and meditation again so that I can go into it feeling less jumbled up, if that makes sense. 

swingaloo2

I think you really need to step back form her. She is still controlling you. You are sending her things, buying her presents, having your husband deliver stuff to her. You are giving her the attention she is craving and getting nothing back in return. Why do you think you need to justify yourself to other family members? She is the problem.
You have a good husband and don't need this grief and anguish in your life. Step right back, have your counselling and take some time free of her poison and tantrums. Get yourself stronger which will help you deal with her and then only agree to contact on your terms if you feel the need to have her in your life. 
Step right back, put yourself first.

nora_nora

Out of interest, what is it that stops you from just walking away from her for good, given the relentless historic and current abuse you continue to suffer from her? Why do you even need this toxic woman in your life? Is it possible you may have Stockholm syndrome & have formed an emotional attachment to your abuser?

MoneySeeker1

I'd say the only piece of this jigsaw that is missing is whether she treats your brother the exact same way as she treats you?

Even if he is treated exactly as badly - cut her right out your life completely right NOW.

But if he is being treated better than you (which I suspect is the case - as she seems to have expected you, but not him - to come and care for her = sexist alert!) then all the more the reason to cut her out of your life with immediate effect.

She's got her claws well into you by the sound of it with the way she makes you feel guilty whatever you do/don't do. I wonder if your brother feels the same?

Personally - I'd write her a short/extremely clear "Get out of my life - and this is why" letter and send it to her. Include in it that you've changed your phone number (and do so!). Don't see her/don't buy her presents/cut absolutely all contact.

1. I do wonder whether your brother stood by and let you suffer - whilst he was "All right Jack" and I'd be giving that some serious thought about whether he helped/hindered you in this respect. If he hadn't treated me right/but she'd treated him okay and he'd never helped me or stood up for me = he'd be out of my life too.

2. Most of all - it's so sad that your father proved to be too weak to stand up for his own daughter! That is shocking - ie that he knew it was all a pack of lies and did nothing. He should have divorced her/applied for custody of you and gone and that's an awful thought to live with that he betrayed you like he did. Well there's nothing you can do about him now. Just be glad that it sounds as if you do now have one decent man in your life treating you right - and be glad of the husband you've got by the sound of it. I imagine your husband must be feeling very frustrated that you've persisted in keeping your mother in your life for so long - sounds like he's been very patient about that waiting for you to "see the light - get shot of her".