Dealing with my difficult mother

thepurplepixie

What has your sister in law cooking or not cooking got to do with anything?

MoneySeeker1

Having a "feminist wife" doesn't necessarily mean much.

My brothers wife might be called "feminist" - despite her having taken his surname (rather than keeping her own) and she most definitely runs that marriage without a doubt. Add in I'm remembering two of the male supervisors I had back in my last job - and the same could be said of them and it was certainly clear just who ran their marriages too - but...boy...didn't they take it out on the women they were supervising and it was obvious that men on the group got treated noticeably better than women on the group did. 

So a man can "knuckle down" and get told what to do at home by his wife - but then turn right round and act very sexist towards other women and it may well suit the wife too actually for that to be the case and she won't care - just as long as she's Queen Bee in her own home and runs their marriage.

In all 3 cases - it did look a lot like a thick man (yep...all 3 of them definitely fit that category) had, at some level, picked a more capable woman then themselves as a "mask" for their own inadequacies. The male supervisor I got on well with had a very "equal" relationship with his partner and with every other woman and was a highly intelligent man and so had no "need/wish" to put women down.

Aranyani

I don't think you know what feminism is, it certainly isn't about bossing your misogynist husband around! 

MrsStepford

I asked my husband earlier today, if he thinks my mother is poisonous and he said yes. He added that my younger brother is a pain in the neck. We haven't talked to my brother in ten years and my uncle in fifteen years, though I helped him find his house in France. (Didn't even say thank you). Husband thinks that if we change the phone number, my mother would drive up here and cause a scene, as soon as she is allowed to drive. 

I've been taking part in a couple of Covid mental health studies since March. I realise that I need to distance myself from her to be happy. 

olgadapolga

MrsStepford said:

I asked my husband earlier today, if he thinks my mother is poisonous and he said yes. He added that my younger brother is a pain in the neck. We haven't talked to my brother in ten years and my uncle in fifteen years, though I helped him find his house in France. (Didn't even say thank you). Husband thinks that if we change the phone number, my mother would drive up here and cause a scene, as soon as she is allowed to drive.

And if/when she does, don't answer the door. Or ask your husband to send her away.

Adults really do have the right to make choices, including answering the phone and the door. Even if their mother is the one on the other side of the door! Your home, you decide who comes in. She wants to make a fuss, fine, she'll either get bored and go away once she realises that you are not going to play her game anymore or your neighbours will call the police.

This is about YOU, not her. She's trying to make it about her and it appears that you are enabling this awful behaviour. You need to stand up to her and tell her that you are no longer going to tolerate her abuse. I know that you've already told her a few home truths but I don't think that the message is sinking into her brain.

I do admire you though. You have clearly thought a great deal about your relationship with your mother (and that's not the word I want to use there, believe me) and have decided to get help. That takes a lot of courage and self-awareness, which is to be commended. Counselling is not an easy path to take but is usually worthwhile.

You can have a better life without this toxic influence. Your mother will be the one who loses out over her abusive behaviour but IMO, people who act in such a horrible way do not deserve the title of "parent". 

MoneySeeker1

MrsStepford said:

I asked my husband earlier today, if he thinks my mother is poisonous and he said yes. He added that my younger brother is a pain in the neck. We haven't talked to my brother in ten years and my uncle in fifteen years, though I helped him find his house in France. (Didn't even say thank you). Husband thinks that if we change the phone number, my mother would drive up here and cause a scene, as soon as she is allowed to drive. 

I've been taking part in a couple of Covid mental health studies since March. I realise that I need to distance myself from her to be happy. 

Sounds like your husband is a man of sound commonsense.

Well - it is an "if" as to whether your mother would drive up to your place or no. She may/she may not and I guess there's a couple of possibilities on the table there then:
1. take out an injunction against her. I've not heard of them being used against a bad parent and they seem to be more usual by a battered wife using them against ex-husband for instance. But the principle is the same - and I gather they're quite cheap and easy to get and forbid the troublemaker from coming within a certain distance of the home.
2. worst case analysis - sell the house and buy another one instead. I'd imagine your husband is on a decent income, by the sound of the type of job he has. So it's always an ultimate fallback position. What one could call the "nuclear option" I guess.

Personally - I'd wait and see whether she did try turning up to start with and, if she did, and wouldnt take "No" for an answer then go down the injunction route. Hopefully it wouldn't come to it re deciding to move house. Sounds like you need to do whatever level of action it takes though to get her out of your life.

At least you and your husband are singing from the same songsheet and that must be quite a blessing these days - where one can walk down any High Street since March this year and spot a noticeable number of couples that clearly aren't "singing from same songsheet" (ie one is in a mask even just walking down the street and one isn't - rather than both being the same in whichever respect).

MrsStepford

Thank you for such kind words, @olgadapolga I have never sworn at my mother out loud, but in my head she gets a F off, quite a lot. I wanted to try writing again (I had a couple of things published) and she was all for it, but would call and when I didn't answer, she would call again and again. My blood glucose has dropped 8 points today, which is great. 

jennystarpepper

I can understand how unhappy you are.  You do not deserve what has happened to you.  

The abuse will not stop unless you take steps make it stop.

My abuse started at the age of 3 and 40 years later my mother still tried to carry it on.    I am happy you have a supportive husband, he sounds lovely.  Much of what you said has happened to me, being called a liar.... the list / amount of abuse I put up with makes most therapists gasp, it still has me having night terrors and flashbacks to this day.  My full family abused me, passing it down the line ...... as bullies and abusers do.  

What worked for me, cutting off all contact.  Your mother is addicted to how she treats you, yes she needs help, but this is not for you too arrange or worry about.  You should not answer your phone and if she does come to your house.... just don't answer it, it's your house you should feel safe in it.  I honestly believe you could talk forever and the next day she will call you a liar and deny anything you have said.  

Do not put off getting help, you have mentioned counselling, but can I suggest you seek help from a physiotherapist?   Contact Mind, they will have a list of people in your area who are safe to use and not some random person you have no experience or who is not recommended.   The difference be between the therapies is massive and from my own experience I would look down the path of physiotherapy it will make a huge positive difference to your life, you have things to address so you can get better.

I know you said other family members see you as a liar, yes this is very upsetting and would make many people angry, again after all these years you should do what is right for you and not worry what they think of you.  

I will be thinking of you. 

nora_nora

MrsStepford said:

I asked my husband earlier today, if he thinks my mother is poisonous and he said yes. He added that my younger brother is a pain in the neck. We haven't talked to my brother in ten years and my uncle in fifteen years, though I helped him find his house in France. (Didn't even say thank you). Husband thinks that if we change the phone number, my mother would drive up here and cause a scene, as soon as she is allowed to drive. 

I've been taking part in a couple of Covid mental health studies since March. I realise that I need to distance myself from her to be happy. 

To be fair that sounds a bit like you are still making an allowance and giving some control to her. So what if she drives up and causes a scene. Just change your number! Start taking control of the situation otherwise someone else will - namely her. Start by changing your number, then she can't taunt you on the phone, unless of course there's some co dependency going on here and you are unable to completely sever the ties? 

Savvy_Sue

jennystarpepper said:

Do not put off getting help, you have mentioned counselling, but can I suggest you seek help from a physiotherapist?   Contact Mind, they will have a list of people in your area who are safe to use and not some random person you have no experience or who is not recommended.   The difference be between the therapies is massive and from my own experience I would look down the path of physiotherapy it will make a huge positive difference to your life, you have things to address so you can get better.

Do you mean psychotherapist / psychotherapy? Physio can be marvellous for getting your body working again, and of course that can help the mind, but I suspect not exactly what you had in mind. Autocorrection on the march, maybe!