Sh*t creek - is now in my rear view mirror...!

MovingForwards

I do fully understand Ren, that's why I have a 'float' rather than raiding my savings. I'm slowly building the float up but it won't ever carry more than a couple of hundred and the bulk of my savings is always with a different bank.

You need to adjust your mindset. The EF is just that, an emergency fund and your annual bills, it's not a float, you can't raid it as this is your life savings.

There's 4 or 5 paydays for you between now and Winterville, that's 4 or 5 tubs of family chocolate without impacting on your savings or your food shopping. 16 trips to the shop and an extra item put in for yourself towards lovely meals over those special days too.

We all have faith in you and know how far you've come 🤗

Irenadler

Thanks for that Babs, definitely struggling with the mind-set, especially since not having savings for far too long...  

Needed your calm common sense - the savings are to stop me failing/falling into the red/facing any more awful situations where I was trying to find stuff to sell to avoid the 39.9% overdraft fee looming over me like a cloud of doom....shudder... and the appalling repercussions on M.H. issues where I beat myself with a wet dog towel...

Need to get this new savings account up and running properly so I can ensure the E.F. remains separate and 'untouchable'. It's knowing the damn thing is still in the current account which is making my spending urge 'twitchy'....

Like my brain is in two halves - the whiny toddler 'I want to buy it'    side versus the sensible 'at last I have the peace of mind of a little bit tucked away'....

Need to think about something else apart from the 'festival of consume' followed by the 'circus of regret of credit/debit debt'....or the hangovers!  

Irenadler

Ok, in the spirit of honesty, I have to confess to a lapse in spending.... 

Had a PTSD trigger event, went off on one, manic cleaning, followed by manic spending, followed by manic cooking, followed by manic eating.... End result = £56.31 spent at L*dl, 2lb weight gain, lack of sleep, and feeling pretty stupid/miserable/weary/disappointed in myself.... sigh, is this going to be my life from now on? I really thought I had a handle on this.

Damage control:

In case I did go 'off on one', I have some built-in measures of self-protection already so it could've been worse: 

1. No credit card.
2. No loans, or, attempts to apply for any.
3. Restricted limit of overdraft (£100).
4. Fortunately, only taking out cash to spend, (thank God Swan, me old mate, I listened to that, er, almost having my monthly rather than weekly budget about my person, ahem...)
5. Only taking the 'wally trolley' & a couple of bags, so there is only a limited amount I can carry. Even so, nearly ruptured myself carrying that lot home!
6. Only using the pull-along basket when I get there, not the trolley (which you have to put a quid in), to limit purchases. Only snag was I piled stuff on top of stuff, so it was like the teetering tower of shopping....
7. Only beating myself up about it as I dragged it all home, because I think I nearly caused myself an injury...
8. Neighbour even came out of her house to try to assist me, but, I insisted I was okay because she was in her 90's and didn't want her to get too close (shielding) or injure herself either.
9. Had a good look at purchases and some have been tucked away for the 'magic of the festivities', so I have already contributed to those purchases!
10. A small alcoholic beverage was quaffed, for medicinal purposes only....

So thanks to the joys of M.H. have peed myself off royally. On the plus side, I now have a very clean home, about 12 meals cooked up and frozen/in fridge, used up all veggies, did some errands which were pending forever, and I have stopped punishing myself, since my increased waistline and my smaller grocery budget is punishment enough. Pity it's not the other way round....

I have GOT to get the savings direct debit set as soon as the account is sorted. I do not want to self-sabotage any more, and go into headless chicken mode. The saddest part is, it was like my brain shut down, and I was just like a robot automatically doing all these things in a kind of brain fog. I was so out of it, someone had to tell me loudly several times in the queue behind me, that it was my turn to step up to the till, I was dropping stuff, couldn't even make eye contact, and so slow at the till they were all moaning and complaining behind me, but, I still wasn't 'all there' registering it....  It was almost like being in the 'manic' phase of a manic-depressive, where I didn't feel my brain was in control of my actions. Don't think I am that though? 

It's called something else now, bi-polar? Please God I hope I am not developing that.... Felt so exhausted by what I did, slept for a long time afterwards, only the dog rousing me by a swift bit of paw-swatting across the head for her outing. Back to 'normal mode' now whatever that is...

It's only by looking backwards, I can actually 'review' and recognise what has happened, and I know exactly what the trigger was (not that I can actively avoid it 24/7, but, it's a 'red flag' to watch out for) ...

This is not 'me', but it is a part of me I will have to adapt to, so I can survive and not have anything worse happen. Sorry if it's too much info, but, just needed to vent it out and understand it myself. Trigger = reaction = shame/regret = damage control = weariness/depression = negative thoughts = stress eating. Need to find some way of interrupting it between the trigger and the reaction.... Or channel the reaction into something more constructive. I mean, cleaning in itself is not too bad a reaction except that I ran out of cleaning products, it's the stuffing myself and over-spending that are not helpful.... And breathe.....

MovingForwards

Right then Ren, first off £56.31 is not enough to justify how you are punishing yourself. It's two weeks shopping and you've made 12 meals!

Is there any way of avoiding the trigger, even for a bit, to allow your brain to refocus on something else until the urge to purge money goes? 

When did you last have a chat with the Dr or a meds review. It's entirely possible they need to be looked at as it's been a very strange year and affected a lot of people, most don't even realise there's a change going on until it's too late.  

You know we are here for you 😉

Skint_yet_Again

I also think you are being too hard on yourself. Look how far you have come. At least you have batch cooked food & we all need to eat ! It wasn’t money wasted and you also have some stuff for gifts. The sleep will have done you good and now it’s time to start afresh. 2lb weight gain is nothing you will easily lose that. 😊

Irenadler

MovingForwards said:

Right then Ren, first off £56.31 is not enough to justify how you are punishing yourself. It's two weeks shopping and you've made 12 meals!
I know, it seems daft to react over that amount, but it's the horrible loss of control feeling behind it that was frightening. i can see all too easily how I can get deeper into sh** creek...
Is there any way of avoiding the trigger, even for a bit, to allow your brain to refocus on something else until the urge to purge money goes? 
Definitely. I think it has worn off now, bloody scary...
When did you last have a chat with the Dr or a meds review. It's entirely possible they need to be looked at as it's been a very strange year and affected a lot of people, most don't even realise there's a change going on until it's too late.  
It has finally motivated me back to asking for support, as I really thought I was well, this time...    I rang the GP and the meds are upped, I hate having to admit I need the blasted things...
You know we are here for you 😉

Aw, thanks Babs, feels like I was just moaning, over-reacting and well, basically panicking. Worst feeling in the world that I am not in control of those impulses. A lot of butt-kicking has taken place....

MovingForwards

I never said it was daft! Just when you look at the overall picture it wasn't as bad as you initially thought. 
We need to think of a way to divert your spend urge energy into something else eg hand pick every weed out the garden 😉

I'm pleased you have contacted the Dr. There's so much stress in the air at the moment, it's hard not to miss it. Hopefully the new increase will get you through and you can evaluate everything in the new year, when this one is behind us. 

It will be ok 🤗

Irenadler

Skint_yet_Again said:

I also think you are being too hard on yourself. Look how far you have come. At least you have batch cooked food & we all need to eat ! It wasn’t money wasted and you also have some stuff for gifts. The sleep will have done you good and now it’s time to start afresh. 2lb weight gain is nothing you will easily lose that. 😊

Thank you Skinty, I feel I have to be hard on myself, to get some self-discipline.... 

I know I have had the 'instant wins' of reducing those direct debits right down, which was kindly prompted by yourself, and the other folks on MSE, which was fantastic and made such a difference to me, mentally as well as financially. 

I think its the daily grind now that I am finding difficult. The day to day, looking at what I have left, having to consider what I buy carefully, what I need, that daily discipline - I don't think it is instilled in me yet. I think it's the vitally important part, that is going to make the difference between just existing from month to month, to actively creating some savings to fall back on.

So I will have a financial buffer, some financial security, especially now when so many jobs are going to the wall. It isn't just something on the news, I know people who have lost jobs and are struggling....

Anyway, you are right, I am focusing on the negative, not the positive. I can't physically eat 12 meals in one day, I have to space them out! I actually have something put away for the Winter festival. I have worn myself out because of my reaction and at least the old homestead is cleaner... not that the dog cares after chucking up on the carpet! She's ok, she grabbed something while we were out, and it didn't agree with her... doh! 

Not fast enough now to stop the little madam, and she knows it.... 

As old Blackadder's faithful servant would say 'I have a cunning plan....' This time, I am not going to despair of myself, enough hand-wringing, or self-flagellating, just, enough.... I have thought about it, and I plan to stretch each frozen meal to double them - e.g. I did a lot of bean stew (about 12 different ingredients), so I am going to add frozen green veggies to each portion to increase the intake and quantity for some. The rest I am going to use as 'building blocks' for other meals, e.g. add tin of coconut milk and tin of tomatoes plus curry powder to make, well curry x 2. Add tomato tin, garlic, and some frozen mushrooms for bolognese x 2, and so on. I have the carbs (pasta, rice, cous cous, quinoa), and more protein to add variety (tofu, quorn, vegan cheese, dried and tinned beans/legumes); and I even have wholemeal wraps/bread... Jeez, I think I can avoid shopping this week, or make very minimum purchases like apples or whatever I have run out of when I need to....

I know how to waffle on!

Irenadler

MovingForwards said:

I never said it was daft! Just when you look at the overall picture it wasn't as bad as you initially thought. 
We need to think of a way to divert your spend urge energy into something else eg hand pick every weed out the garden 😉
Don't worry, it was me thinking I was daft, not you!   Yes I have had a go at them already!
I'm pleased you have contacted the Dr. There's so much stress in the air at the moment, it's hard not to miss it. Hopefully the new increase will get you through and you can evaluate everything in the new year, when this one is behind us. 

It will be ok 🤗

Definitely feel it will be, thanks Babs, I think I just needed to vent the worry and anxiety over my reaction as I haven't had one as bad as that for a little while. I think it shocked me because I thought I was 'cured', but I am not sure you can be, just learning how to deal with it/live with it/adapt strategies to it... I have seen others go too far down that rabbit-hole so they can't come back to normality. It really motivates me to find a more positive way of channelling that reaction... 

I have yet to find a way to snap myself out of it apart from exhausting myself.... maybe I should take up physical fitness/running/jogging (shudder)....? Why does that image of Forest Gump pop into my head?

Onebrokelady

I think you managed very well your buying wasn't a complete disaster, you've ended up with a clean house and some hearty food to eat so could have been worse 😊 I have depression which is treated with medication however I sometimes go off the rails and it causes me to spend, years ago I would buy ridiculous things ( one example is this house I'm living in)in the past  I've gone out and bought wood flooring for my house despite having no way of getting it home or getting it laid and the list goes on. I'm better at controlling myself now and am usually happy with a small purchase such as a 99p book for my Kindle but I know I have to be vigilant because it's so easy to go off on a mad shopping spree
I have my EF in a separate account but in the same place as my current account so that I can easily shuffle things around if I need to, however my EF is very strictly kept for emergencies and in only use it as a last resort, I've just had a fairly big vet bill which wasn't budgeted for and I used money I'm saving for flooring rather than use my EF  as I don't want to use it for something that could be budgeted for, hopefully I will get at least half of it back via insurance if they agree to pay up x