What’s acceptable

gettingtheresometime

bungalow123 said:

bungalow123 said:

jackieblack said:

bungalow123 said:

he drinks to the point that he can’t remember things, comes home absolutely wasted. All his friends are single and give him a hard time that’s he married. 

Is this a new thing?
My ex husband started this, then started staying out all night 'at a friend's house', then announced he 'wasn't happy' (but couldn't say why, to enable us to try to fix it) and a few weeks later announced he was leaving. 
(We had been married 24 years and our daughter was in her first term at uni.)

 

Funny you should say that, we’ve also been married 24 years and a few weeks ago we had an argument and he stayed at his friends for a few nights, just didn’t come home or let me know, but it’s not a new thing. I suppose now that all the kids have moved out I feel like it’s my time.

He’s just called to say he’s moving out to his mates for a week, he reckons the break will do us good. Looks like my marriage is heading in the same direction as yours 😭

As I said to my son about a completely different problem, it's better to know where the lifeboat is rather than running around trying to find it when the ship is going down iyswim.
Use this time to decide what you want and what you're willing to compromise on. Then find out your options if your husband decides he doesn't agree.
Then have that honest and frank conversation.

MovingForwards

Just to reassure you I started over after a 21 year relationship / marriage (I booted mine out because of his friendship with someone else and had put up with him drinking all the money away and sinking further into debt with each passing day).

Start planning to be single and having your own life. Dust off your CV and find a job, any job, just to get you out the house and back into a routine. You have raised a family and have fantastic transferable skills from that.

It will get easier. I moved hundreds of miles away from my old life, made new friends etc. I've been with someone else for quite a while, been engaged for nearly as long and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've cleared my debts off, handled my own divorce and purchased my own home a few months ago. 

Now, I occasionally look back over my life and wouldn't be where I am now if the past never happened. It took me under 4 years to get where I am.

TBagpuss

bungalow123 said:

Retireby40 said:

A lot of people sacrifice what they want to do when they have kids. I'm assuming your husband behaved differently when the kids were young and growing up.

Now it seems like your kids have all flew the nest and it's just you and him at home. He must be working and have a good job if you are a house wife so he must be doing something right.

Does he go to work hungover or is his drinking mainly done at the weekend?

Could be that without the kids the marriage has just ran its course and he has just decided he wants to do his own thing and maybe it's best you doing yours. A high % of couples stay together because of kids. If you dont have the same hobbies and interests there really isnt much point anymore.

He’s in a very good job, he’s always been to the pub even when the kids were you, but in those days I had them to keep me busy, now they’re all gone I feel so alone ☹️ He’s probably still over the limit when he goes to work as he goes out midweek 🤷‍♀️ I still love him and am scared of being alone. I don’t work unfortunately, even though I’ve been looking. So would be homeless and penniless.

You wouldn't be homeless and penniless. If you do end up divorcing, then, if you can't reach an agreement about how to split the assets, a court will decide for you.
If you'v been married 24 years the starting point would be an equal split of everything - house, pensions, savings etc.It doesn't matter whether they are in your name, his name, or joint names. 
A court would then look at your respective incomes, earning capacity, needs, any disabilities etc to decide whether the 50/50 split was fair or whether they need to adjust it to  be fair to both of you. So, for instance, if you are unable to work due to a disability, it may be fair for you to have more than 50% if you won't be able to get a mortgage or build up any more pension due to not earning.
If you don't currently work but would be able to do so, then the court can take into account how much it would be reasonable  for you to earn, and take that into account.
Even if the marriage ends, you and he are both entitled to stay in the house until a financial settlement is agreed, so you won't be homeless, you will be able to stay where you are until things are agreed at which point you will presumably have your share of the equity and be able to buy or rent somewhere new. 

I would suggest that you look at www.resolution.org.uk and find a solicitor local to you - many offer a free first appointment and you can get a bit of advise about what your options are, either if he tells you he wants to end the marriage or if you decide you want to. 
 You could also think about asking him whether he is willing to go to counselling with you, via RELATE or someone similar, to try to talk through what each of you wants from the relationship and explore whether it is possible to fix it and if so, how. 

onwards&upwards

bungalow123 said:

All my children have left home, he drinks to the point that he can’t remember things, comes home absolutely wasted. All his friends are single and give him a hard time that’s he married. All my friends are happily married so I don’t see them unless it’s couple things with my partner. Money isn’t tight and I’m a housewife so don’t expect him to do much in the house, I just feel rejected that he’d rather be there than here. Reading the above comments it looks like I have the issues ☹️

That's not right, you need friendships that are just for you.  Can you arrange a girl's evening, socially distanced! 

The problem seems to be that your husband has a drinking problem.  No point blaming his friends. he's an adult, old enough to have adult children, its on him. 

74jax

bungalow123 said:

KxMx said:

I have friends who are happily married, I see them mainly on their own as I did before they were married. You don't have to go around in couples only.

But their husbands don’t go out and I don’t want to intrude ☹️

How on earth do you plan on asking them? YOU MUST COME OUT FOR A COFFEE WITH ME AND I WON'T TAKE NO AS AN ANSWER.
Or
Fancy a walk at the weekend and maybe a coffee if we can get one somewhere?
If they have plans they'll say so, if not you go out for a coffee.
I don't understand the intruding..... 🤔 

bungalow123

MovingForwards said:

Just to reassure you I started over after a 21 year relationship / marriage (I booted mine out because of his friendship with someone else and had put up with him drinking all the money away and sinking further into debt with each passing day).

Start planning to be single and having your own life. Dust off your CV and find a job, any job, just to get you out the house and back into a routine. You have raised a family and have fantastic transferable skills from that.

It will get easier. I moved hundreds of miles away from my old life, made new friends etc. I've been with someone else for quite a while, been engaged for nearly as long and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've cleared my debts off, handled my own divorce and purchased my own home a few months ago. 

Now, I occasionally look back over my life and wouldn't be where I am now if the past never happened. It took me under 4 years to get where I am.

Reading your story makes me feel better, thank you. I can move back in with my parents initially but like you they are hundreds of miles away, the whole idea of moving away and starting again is very scary and so is the thought of moving back in with parents ☹️ I know deep down it’s the ring thing to do x

bungalow123

TBagpuss said:

bungalow123 said:

Retireby40 said:

A lot of people sacrifice what they want to do when they have kids. I'm assuming your husband behaved differently when the kids were young and growing up.

Now it seems like your kids have all flew the nest and it's just you and him at home. He must be working and have a good job if you are a house wife so he must be doing something right.

Does he go to work hungover or is his drinking mainly done at the weekend?

Could be that without the kids the marriage has just ran its course and he has just decided he wants to do his own thing and maybe it's best you doing yours. A high % of couples stay together because of kids. If you dont have the same hobbies and interests there really isnt much point anymore.

He’s in a very good job, he’s always been to the pub even when the kids were you, but in those days I had them to keep me busy, now they’re all gone I feel so alone ☹️ He’s probably still over the limit when he goes to work as he goes out midweek 🤷‍♀️ I still love him and am scared of being alone. I don’t work unfortunately, even though I’ve been looking. So would be homeless and penniless.

You wouldn't be homeless and penniless. If you do end up divorcing, then, if you can't reach an agreement about how to split the assets, a court will decide for you.
If you'v been married 24 years the starting point would be an equal split of everything - house, pensions, savings etc.It doesn't matter whether they are in your name, his name, or joint names. 
A court would then look at your respective incomes, earning capacity, needs, any disabilities etc to decide whether the 50/50 split was fair or whether they need to adjust it to  be fair to both of you. So, for instance, if you are unable to work due to a disability, it may be fair for you to have more than 50% if you won't be able to get a mortgage or build up any more pension due to not earning.
If you don't currently work but would be able to do so, then the court can take into account how much it would be reasonable  for you to earn, and take that into account.
Even if the marriage ends, you and he are both entitled to stay in the house until a financial settlement is agreed, so you won't be homeless, you will be able to stay where you are until things are agreed at which point you will presumably have your share of the equity and be able to buy or rent somewhere new. 

I would suggest that you look at www.resolution.org.uk and find a solicitor local to you - many offer a free first appointment and you can get a bit of advise about what your options are, either if he tells you he wants to end the marriage or if you decide you want to. 
 You could also think about asking him whether he is willing to go to counselling with you, via RELATE or someone similar, to try to talk through what each of you wants from the relationship and explore whether it is possible to fix it and if so, how. 

Thankyou for the advice ❤️

onwards&upwards

bungalow123 said:

MovingForwards said:

Just to reassure you I started over after a 21 year relationship / marriage (I booted mine out because of his friendship with someone else and had put up with him drinking all the money away and sinking further into debt with each passing day).

Start planning to be single and having your own life. Dust off your CV and find a job, any job, just to get you out the house and back into a routine. You have raised a family and have fantastic transferable skills from that.

It will get easier. I moved hundreds of miles away from my old life, made new friends etc. I've been with someone else for quite a while, been engaged for nearly as long and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've cleared my debts off, handled my own divorce and purchased my own home a few months ago. 

Now, I occasionally look back over my life and wouldn't be where I am now if the past never happened. It took me under 4 years to get where I am.

Reading your story makes me feel better, thank you. I can move back in with my parents initially but like you they are hundreds of miles away, the whole idea of moving away and starting again is very scary and so is the thought of moving back in with parents ☹️ I know deep down it’s the ring thing to do x

Why would you need to move back in with your parents?

Maybe now is a good time to get your independence back and find a job?  

Torry_Quine

74jax said:

bungalow123 said:

KxMx said:

I have friends who are happily married, I see them mainly on their own as I did before they were married. You don't have to go around in couples only.

But their husbands don’t go out and I don’t want to intrude ☹️

How on earth do you plan on asking them? YOU MUST COME OUT FOR A COFFEE WITH ME AND I WON'T TAKE NO AS AN ANSWER.
Or
Fancy a walk at the weekend and maybe a coffee if we can get one somewhere?
If they have plans they'll say so, if not you go out for a coffee.
I don't understand the intruding..... 🤔 

Makes sense to me. I'm on my own now but I wouldn't have invited one half of a couple on their own generally. I would have found  it strange not to do things together. 

onwards&upwards

Torry_Quine said:

74jax said:

bungalow123 said:

KxMx said:

I have friends who are happily married, I see them mainly on their own as I did before they were married. You don't have to go around in couples only.

But their husbands don’t go out and I don’t want to intrude ☹️

How on earth do you plan on asking them? YOU MUST COME OUT FOR A COFFEE WITH ME AND I WON'T TAKE NO AS AN ANSWER.
Or
Fancy a walk at the weekend and maybe a coffee if we can get one somewhere?
If they have plans they'll say so, if not you go out for a coffee.
I don't understand the intruding..... 🤔 

Makes sense to me. I'm on my own now but I wouldn't have invited one half of a couple on their own generally. I would have found  it strange not to do things together. 

Its strange to never do anything apart!