What’s acceptable

bungalow123

jackieblack said:

bungalow123 said:

he drinks to the point that he can’t remember things, comes home absolutely wasted. All his friends are single and give him a hard time that’s he married. 

Is this a new thing?
My ex husband started this, then started staying out all night 'at a friend's house', then announced he 'wasn't happy' (but couldn't say why, to enable us to try to fix it) and a few weeks later announced he was leaving. 
(We had been married 24 years and our daughter was in her first term at uni.)

 

Funny you should say that, we’ve also been married 24 years and a few weeks ago we had an argument and he stayed at his friends for a few nights, just didn’t come home or let me know, but it’s not a new thing. I suppose now that all the kids have moved out I feel like it’s my time.

jackieblack

bungalow123 said:

jackieblack said:

bungalow123 said:

he drinks to the point that he can’t remember things, comes home absolutely wasted. All his friends are single and give him a hard time that’s he married. 

Is this a new thing?
My ex husband started this, then started staying out all night 'at a friend's house', then announced he 'wasn't happy' (but couldn't say why, to enable us to try to fix it) and a few weeks later announced he was leaving. 
(We had been married 24 years and our daughter was in her first term at uni.)

 

Funny you should say that, we’ve also been married 24 years and a few weeks ago we had an argument and he stayed at his friends for a few nights, just didn’t come home or let me know, but it’s not a new thing. I suppose now that all the kids have moved out I feel like it’s my time.

I know what you mean, I was planning weekends away and a big 25th anniversary trip (that we'd talked about for years).
He bought a new motorbike and planned to be single again (not saying yours will do the same), but it was completely out of character for him - almost like he'd had a personality change overnight
I (and everyone I know) thinks it was a massive mid-life crisis - I also think he was struggling to adjust to the 'empty nest'
My ex wasn't a great communicator - I'm sure if he could have expressed what he was struggling with, a lot of things could have been avoided...

Retireby40

A lot of people sacrifice what they want to do when they have kids. I'm assuming your husband behaved differently when the kids were young and growing up.

Now it seems like your kids have all flew the nest and it's just you and him at home. He must be working and have a good job if you are a house wife so he must be doing something right.

Does he go to work hungover or is his drinking mainly done at the weekend?

Could be that without the kids the marriage has just ran its course and he has just decided he wants to do his own thing and maybe it's best you doing yours. A high % of couples stay together because of kids. If you dont have the same hobbies and interests there really isnt much point anymore.

KxMx

I have friends who are happily married, I see them mainly on their own as I did before they were married. You don't have to go around in couples only.

bungalow123

bungalow123 said:

jackieblack said:

bungalow123 said:

he drinks to the point that he can’t remember things, comes home absolutely wasted. All his friends are single and give him a hard time that’s he married. 

Is this a new thing?
My ex husband started this, then started staying out all night 'at a friend's house', then announced he 'wasn't happy' (but couldn't say why, to enable us to try to fix it) and a few weeks later announced he was leaving. 
(We had been married 24 years and our daughter was in her first term at uni.)

 

Funny you should say that, we’ve also been married 24 years and a few weeks ago we had an argument and he stayed at his friends for a few nights, just didn’t come home or let me know, but it’s not a new thing. I suppose now that all the kids have moved out I feel like it’s my time.

He’s just called to say he’s moving out to his mates for a week, he reckons the break will do us good. Looks like my marriage is heading in the same direction as yours 😭

74jax

bungalow123 said:

jackieblack said:

bungalow123 said:

he drinks to the point that he can’t remember things, comes home absolutely wasted. All his friends are single and give him a hard time that’s he married. 

Is this a new thing?
My ex husband started this, then started staying out all night 'at a friend's house', then announced he 'wasn't happy' (but couldn't say why, to enable us to try to fix it) and a few weeks later announced he was leaving. 
(We had been married 24 years and our daughter was in her first term at uni.)

 

. I suppose now that all the kids have moved out I feel like it’s my time.

So use it as your time?
I'm not sure why if your friends are married, you can only do couples things with them?
Most of mine are but I'll meet them for a coffee or lunch out etc?
Is this them saying that, do you need new hobbies/activities maybe?
Do you and your husband spend any time together? 

bungalow123

Retireby40 said:

A lot of people sacrifice what they want to do when they have kids. I'm assuming your husband behaved differently when the kids were young and growing up.

Now it seems like your kids have all flew the nest and it's just you and him at home. He must be working and have a good job if you are a house wife so he must be doing something right.

Does he go to work hungover or is his drinking mainly done at the weekend?

Could be that without the kids the marriage has just ran its course and he has just decided he wants to do his own thing and maybe it's best you doing yours. A high % of couples stay together because of kids. If you dont have the same hobbies and interests there really isnt much point anymore.

He’s in a very good job, he’s always been to the pub even when the kids were you, but in those days I had them to keep me busy, now they’re all gone I feel so alone ☹️ He’s probably still over the limit when he goes to work as he goes out midweek 🤷‍♀️ I still love him and am scared of being alone. I don’t work unfortunately, even though I’ve been looking. So would be homeless and penniless.

bungalow123

KxMx said:

I have friends who are happily married, I see them mainly on their own as I did before they were married. You don't have to go around in couples only.

But their husbands don’t go out and I don’t want to intrude ☹️

KxMx

bungalow123 said:

KxMx said:

I have friends who are happily married, I see them mainly on their own as I did before they were married. You don't have to go around in couples only.

But their husbands don’t go out and I don’t want to intrude ☹️

They may be wanting some time away but don't like to ask. So one of you needs to make the first move! 

You mentioned looking for work which is good, now this is much harder during lockdown but have you any interests outside of home that you'd like to persue? As things improve virus wise more social groups etc will resume. Any area that would interest you in terms of volunteering? A great start to improve your confidence and something for the CV. 

Mojisola

bungalow123 said:

I don’t work unfortunately, even though I’ve been looking. So would be homeless and penniless.

No, you wouldn't because you'd be entitled to half the marital assets.