It's time to begin.....

Kakiste

I agree with you and I'm on a slow burn to doing just that @enthusiasticsaver I don't really want to spend time with him (even on days where he's being nice as it can turn sour so easily) but my strategy is to leave with minimal debt/debt free and that gives me so many more options as a single parent.

Hopefully not that long to go. 

WinterWarrior

I had 18 yrs with an ex very like yours. I never cheated, but had that constantly too. He was extremely vindictive and tried to ruin me in every way possible when I finally had enough…I think you need to be ready for that. A lot of people will believe what he says. He will take every penny he can, so be as careful and canny as possible. I wasn’t and I very much regret the financial losses such as my pension and money from the house that only I had paid for ☹️ It’s still worth it, but do try to protect your own things if you can. 

Kakiste

It's only really my pension he could go after I think. Possibly the car to (though I solely fronted the money to buy it which I can prove with bank statements and also have paid for all the maintenance on it.

I think if we split up he's so impulsive (ADHD) that he would immediately file for a DIY divorce (He has a really high opinion of his own intelligence and wouldn't use a solicitor as he "already knows more about the law than most of them" *eye roll*) Which I think would work well in my favour as without a professional point out things like my pension it's highly probable he would forget all about them in the rush to get everything 'done' 

I do see what you're saying @WinterWarrior and I will try to be careful where I can, I'm not hugely bothered about my pension, my main concern is my daughter; during his random kickoffs in the past he's previously threatened to disappear and start a new life on his own elsewhere and never see our daughter again (preferable in my eyes! ) but has also just as frequently said he'd fight me to be the main resident parent and I would be 'lucky to get even EOW' 

Basically I could cope with him throwing his toys out the pram and moving to Scotland or abroad on his own (both regularly threatened) and as much as it would really upset me not to see her everyday I could cope with up to 50/50 split care, but I don't want to end up with a court battle over seeing her at all. 

Meh- not going to think about it too much at the moment as that's a 'next year' problem

WinterWarrior

Mine would often threaten to take the cats, which really worried me as anything could have happened to them. In the end he was too focused on getting every penny, taking any piece of furniture he knew I cared about (despite having nowhere to put it) and threatening dire reprisals to even think about them. I didn’t fight at all, I just wanted him gone, but looking back with hindsight I should have done. I used to sleep with one ear open for a long time and looked over my shoulder until I moved far away. He would frequently text to tell me who had visited me, report on cars in the driveway, etc. Which was quite chilling, until I saw sense and blocked everything. Hopefully yours will be too clever for his own good. 

Kakiste

That's really quite chilling, though I wouldn't be surprised by similar behaviour from mine come the future. 

Honeysucklelou2

I had threats from my ex, prior to splitting up, that he would walk out and disappear and that the children and I  would never see him again. Those threats used to really panic me but they were empty threats. He hasn’t disappeared as such in that he has stayed in the locality even if I haven’t known where he lives but sorting everything out is a lengthy and ongoing process.

WinterWarrior

@Honeysucklelou2 were you tempted to say ‘yes please, off you pop?’ 

Honeysucklelou2

WinterWarrior said:

@Honeysucklelou2 were you tempted to say ‘yes please, off you pop?’ 

I should have done! I spent far too long and too much emotional energy trying to placate him.

greensalad

WinterWarrior said:

Mine would often threaten to take the cats, which really worried me as anything could have happened to them. In the end he was too focused on getting every penny, taking any piece of furniture he knew I cared about (despite having nowhere to put it) and threatening dire reprisals to even think about them. I didn’t fight at all, I just wanted him gone, but looking back with hindsight I should have done. I used to sleep with one ear open for a long time and looked over my shoulder until I moved far away. He would frequently text to tell me who had visited me, report on cars in the driveway, etc. Which was quite chilling, until I saw sense and blocked everything. Hopefully yours will be too clever for his own good. 

When my parents divorced there was a protracted argument about a Simple Minds CD that went on for months. Mum said it was her CD because she was the bigger Simple Minds fan but my Dad was insistent on taking the whole CD collection. Anyway, in the end about 10 years after the divorce my Mum came to pick me up from my Dad's where I was home alone, and she stole the CD back 

When my OH's parent's divorced 5 years ago, his Mum had to get the police involved because he kept turning up at the house and saying it was his and he could come in and do whatever he wanted (he was with another woman already, so he had a place to go). That ended in him saying he wanted his pillow and OH's Mum was like... how pathetic you've driven all the way down here to threaten me and now you just want your pillow. She gave him the pillow! 

People get weird.

Just make sure you protect yourself and know where you stand. I guess you have the advantage of being prepared.

Kakiste

My plan is to build my savings again (either slowly or through the Ombudsmen ordered re-payments more quickly if they come off) so that I've got £1200 or so in premium bonds to covered a rental deposit and a first month's rent stashed. I did have a significant amount but I cleared it all out to repay my dad. 

However all the figures are going in the right direction and I'm still on track to be below £10k by the end of the year.