It's time to begin.....

enthusiasticsaver

I am astounded he would not help with childcare costs or maternity leave income reduction. I would be throwing that in his face and telling him the reason the debts arose was due to the incredibly unfair distribution of bills. He cannot claim the financial impact of having a child is all on you while saying he should get total custody. Honestly he is deluded. Get some legal advice, build a financial cushion and no more money to him. The reason he kicks off now is because you are less financially dependent on him. Men like that hate the fact you are gaining independence. 

CRANKY40

As he's so good at doing the opposite of what you want maybe it's time to start telling him you'd be devastated if he left you for someone else. My sister couldn't believe anyone else would actually want her husband but he did do just that. So much less hassle.

Kakiste

Thanks all. I've already said that I won't be paying any money to him next month or the month after and I think after that I'll refuse to transfer any money and explain that whilst I want to clear my official debts first before I look at paying him any additional money. I'll then save that in my premium bonds account to prevent him knowing I've got it, then it's ready and quick access for when I need it. 

@CRANKY40 I actually give that a go- If he thinks it will be the worst thing ever for me then he may do it. 

@enthusiasticsaver Yes you are right, it isn't fair that he suddenly demand sole custody (It also wasn't what I was suggesting last night, I kept trying to steer the conversation to discuss how we would split custody.) The problem is he is very pig headed and so speaking to his family wouldn't do any good as he'll just shout over them, not listen and do what he's going to do anyway. 

As has been suggested, I have already secured the stuff I couldn't lose- I don't really have many 'prized' possessions. I sold a lot of stuff back in 2019 to raise a lot of money quickly to pay off the worst APR payday debts. I already keep my certificates, birth certificate and passport as well as my daughter's passport and birth certificate in my locker at work because I thought exactly that; everything else in the house that is mine is of little value (books/clothes/2nd hand furniture etc) and easily replaced. It's just the degree certificates/passports etc that are pricey and I wanted locked away. 

ladyholly

I think you need to see a solicitor to be ahead of the game when it come to custody. Keep a detailed diary of his outbursts if they occur within your daughters hearing and also details of your respective incomes (if you know his) and outgoings. Ask the solicitor about evidence that would be needed as you dont want to have to give him anything.

A separate current account will be needed when you leave if you dont already have one.You only need to keep a pound in it for the time being.

Make your plans carefully and be ready to go if things escate as his outbursts appear to be getting more frequent and nastier.

WinterWarrior

@SonnyLumiere that’s worrying about NS&I withdrawals. They are happy enough to take the money, I just presumed withdrawal to your assigned bank account would be as easy. 

Jellytotts

Never had an issue getting money from my premium bonds in the 20 odd years I've had them.  

I am genuinely concerned for yours and your daughters mental well-being by staying where you are.  No amount of debt repayment is worth dealing with this emotional abuse on a daily basis..

If he wants to apply for sole custody then he'd need to appoint a solicitor, pay a lot of expenses and be prepared to fight tooth and nail.  Joint custody can be sorted via mediation and agreements can be drawn up which you'll both need to stick to which from how you describe his erratic mental health issues would be hard for him to do.

If I were you (and I was 21 years ago) I'd just leave, you've got diarised entries here of his behaviour that you can copy out for your solicitor.  Make family aware of your plans and go.  It will honestly be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your daughter. No amount of money is worth what you're putting up with.

When I woke up one morning and realised I couldn't do this anymore, I walked. He fought like hell to reconcile (too little too late) and then the nasty side was out in force.  The divorce was stalled at every opportunity he could find and he made everything such hard work.  After 2 years he met someone else, moved away and hasn't seen or contacted his children since.  It was the best thing I ever did.  (I walked away from the house, with £16k of debt and no job.  I'm now remarried, virtually mortgage free with 2 very well adjusted grown up kids starting families of their own). I honestly think I'd have done something stupid if I'd have stayed.

Kakiste

Thanks for the heads up- Ive also had no issue getting money out of NS&I.

 I already have a separate account- we no longer have a joint account haven't for a few years now so ive already got my separate finances sorted. 

Kakiste

Yes, I am on the short/mid range exit plan- The repaying him £20k conversation was the last straw in my head. 

Out of the 2 rental properties one came back and said categorically no cats. The other landlord said he'd be fine with them. (There's hope yet!) I'm not intending to take that rental but just for my own information I went to a viewing yesterday on the way home from work and put in an 'interest in property' form with the landlord just to see whether I would get accepted at the moment. I was completely upfront; cats, debt, credit record etc all mentioned but I also explained I could give landlord references back to 2009 to say I had always paid rent in full and on time and also could provide a guarantor if needed. I'd be interested to see whether or not I did get accepted and if not, why not. 

In terms of credit report; my loan utilisation is at 37% and my credit card is about to drop below 50% so within the next few months this 'adverse marker' will be gone and I currently have 6 missed payments on my credit report in the last 12 months (this is an error- big bank continued to mark my DMP payments as 'late' and my account as 'in arrears' instead of defaulted in July 2020. I've contacted the bank and also Experian and this should be updated soon- and should instead read 0 missed payments in last 12 months. So best case scenario if they don't want me a tenant due to credit report (I think likely given I was one of 46 people viewing across 2 days) then I know that this will improve within the next couple of months. 

It's also given me hope that I could find a rental that will have my cats as like you said @WinterWarrior I'm not up for rehoming them. 

Husband is being extra nice at the moment but I do understand that it's all just a cycle to get me back in my box. 

enthusiasticsaver

I am glad you are looking into a private rental for yourself as living like this on a knife edge with your husband blowing hot and cold must be so difficult.  I don't think landlords check your credit record but could be wrong.  Having a good renting history will help you and hopefully some will be ok with cats. Maybe just offer an additional deposit? Whatever you give your husband in money terms will never be enough.  I would be examining every bit of that historical debt forensically and asking why you ended up saddled with the childcare/wedding/maternity leave debt and he seems to have got off scott free. Presumably it was a joint decision to have a child so the costs should be shared. 

Kakiste

Landlords don't always check it but they can choose to and this landlord said upfront that he would run a credit check on a shortlist of people as a factor in his decision on whom to accept the tenancy from. I explained that my credit report would be trash but there would be clear evidence of significant improvement and no further debt/arrears etc from March 2019. 

I'm going to aim to save a few hundred extra to offer as a sweetener to the cats but I'm not going to offer it upfront- let it instead be part of their negotiations. 

It was actually my husband that put pressure on to get married/have a child. I would have quite happily waited a few more years before either. Tbf he didn't actually agree to the loan - I took it out as he kept having 'depressive episodes' (I'm now not sure whether these were genuine) about how his life had stalled and we would never get married and could never afford it-, then he didn't say anything negative about me taking out a loan to finance it and later said that as I'd chosen to finance the wedding that way then it was my responsibility to pay the whole amount back. (I didn't think that was fair at any point and I certainly don't think it so now.) 

 He now says that it was my choice to have a big wedding and I 'went mad' with wedding planning and he was excluded from all the decisions (had about 130 people there) and he would have been perfectly happy with just going to the town hall with a few friends (This is not how I remember the wedding planning- as he helped construct the guest list and was asked to get involved/make decisions about every area but just kept saying he didn't mind what we did and I should decide and never at any point mentioned a registry office wedding) I don't even think that we discussed childcare costs- he just got angry whenever I vaguely mentioned the subject so I just always ended up paying it. (I totally now see this was 'training' me not to mention it as it was an easier life not to)