It's time to begin.....

rugbymadfamily

Sound like a really difficult situation but you're approaching it all so well. I agree with @WinterWarrior, don't send him any money. Find am excuse the next few months, daughters birthday, MOT, Christmas etc etc. I can't imagine the landlord will be too fussed about 2 cats so have my fingers crossed for you on that.

The doll house sounds INCREDIBLE!!!

CRANKY40

Could you have a word with your dad and see if he'd help out a little again? I'd also give your dad anything important that you want to see again after you tell the door knob that you and he are done. I have a feeling that like the childish 2 year old that he is he will throw a mega tantrum and breaking anything that you treasure will be high on the list. You could use the excuse that you're packing in advance in case you have to move or because you want to move because you don't want to keep the cats a secret.....then just move without him. 

bellevie

I can't see the agency threatening eviction over pets that have caused no damage. With a bit of luck they'll have been hiding away.

I agree with cranky40, start thinking about things you'll need that he could make difficult for you to get, if you can ask your dad or someone to keepbthese aside for you do. 

And definitely don't hand over any more money,  stall and build up your emergency pot so you can cover advance rent etc.

Have you considered approaching the council? You'd qualify for a key worker property, not as cheap as social rent but usually discounted below market rents.

Yes things might be tight, initially but that's short term, that's a good amount to have left after bills.

enthusiasticsaver

I would not be handing any money over to him.  Why on earth does he think that is justified?  You need to prioritise emergency savings for a deposit for you as living with this individual must be so anxiety inducing for you and your daughter.  He seriously sounds unstable. Hopefully nothing will come of lettings inspection re your cats. I know it is difficult with private rentals and pets though as many don't allow them. 

stymied

Did you ever get his share of money for the mattress & half the money for daughter’s birthday presents?

I’m glad you stood your ground as much as you could yesterday.

I know you only just paid your dad back but is he aware of the other side of your husband and would he help again with those first few months?

greensalad

Try not to worry too much about the cats! A lot of landlords don't pay much attention at all tbh. We had a cat (though we did request in advance), but we had to put down a £300 pet deposit additional which was then returned because the laws changed! So honestly I wouldn't worry. The worst I would expect them to say is that you have to pay for "deinfestation" which means professional carpet cleaning at the end of the tenancy (technically they can't force you to get it professionally done either, but it's probably what they will ask). Considering you are a long term paying tenant I don't think it will be an issue. Are you unfurnished as well? With unfurnished properties the worst your cats can do to the property is ruin the carpet, and if there are no signs of carpet damage it obviously isn't an issue beyond the cleaning I mentioned earlier. I wouldn't lie either. Just ask for forgiveness and if they're really shirty offer to sign an addendum that you'll get the carpets cleaned when you leave.

joedenise

Good advice from @greensalad.  Don't lie, lies tend to find you out so it's just not worth it.

Kakiste

Fair point- I'll offer the carpet cleaning compromise if they say anything. 

Yes we are unfurnished- we've also refloored the upstairs bathrooms ourselves (landlord gave us money back when we gave receipts which we agreed in advance.) So they are much improved from when we moved in- we've also repainted rooms in magnolia to freshen them up. So literally the only thing that is worse is the carpets (and the cats don't scratch the carpets) as they weren't new when we moved in and this is the 6th year we've lived here. 

Feeling better about the cats- thanks all.

And no he never paid me for his half of the mattress- I realised that at the time when he decided to make a big fuss about it upon arrival though. 

Had a major argument with husband late last night as he was clearly trying to push me into saying "I can do better" and I summarised my point as "I am doing my very best. I have made improvements in almost every area you've highlighted as a 'problem' and whilst you may not complain about those things as often, you are still complaining with the same regularity and irritation about new things... you aren't happy with me and that's not because of me, it's because you aren't happy in yourself."

He was deflecting massively and trying to lay everything at my feet- I just kept pushing the conversation back to 'if it's this bad and you're this unhappy then what are the practicalities of separating as that's the only option you've left' He then said that his paying off of my debts was linked to us being married when it happened and if we separate I will owe him the 20k he paid back (this is inflated I think and he's including stuff like the total balance of his credit card that he paid off) I reminded him that it was a screw up on my part which he helped to alleviate and not really a debt that he can call back in. He said that the money I'm currently paying him (which he has said was to get his savings back up to £2k which they're now at) he was planning to continue (but allowing me to drop it down to £200 a month) to get me to repay until I've repaid him fully- but if we stayed married 'he may' forget about it after a few years. 

I remarked that it sounded a lot like blackmail- which he denied. He said that if I decided that I was done and moving out then he would need £20k to 'restart his life and get back on track' and he would demand it upfront as he wouldn't be kind enough to allow me to pay back in dribs and drabs as I currently am. I pointed out that I don't have £20k even if I did feel if that were fair which I didn't. He said that I'd have to go and borrow it from my family again (putting myself back in 32k of debt) I said I wasn't willing to do that, he couldn't force me to pay back the money. He then said 'don't think you're waltzing out the door with my child then' and then intermated that he would get an injunction and limit me access as I was 'a monster' who couldn't be given unfettered access to a child, otherwise I'd warp her. 

What the actual hell. 

GeorgianaCavendish

I’m really concerned reading your latest updates, it seems like your husband has realised that the debt is reducing very quickly and that you will soon have a lot more financial freedom (and freedom to leave) and he has settled on another ridiculous amount to try to keep you trapped. 

Please see if you can get proper advice from a professional on this IRL and speak to your dad about getting the money together to cover a rental deposit - the way your husband is trying to keep you hostage and bind you with more “debt” is  abusive and I am worried that this will escalate as you pay down more and more of the DMP. 

Your husband’s behaviour reminds me so much of my uncle - he has made my aunt and cousins lives an absolute misery with extremely similar behaviour (he also financially abused his mother and forced her out of the family home). You have more options than you may think at this time and he will always come up with excuses and reasons to stop you getting into a financially secure position. 

enthusiasticsaver

I am utterly gobsmacked by your husband. Ask yourself these questions. Who does the most childcare for your daughter? How did the debt occur in the first place and what was the money spent on? He sounds like he has mental health issues and whilst that in itself is not a reason not to give a parent custody he has absolutely no grounds for saying he would have your daughter live with him instead of you. The normal starting point would be 50/50 so yes it is unrealistic for him to have no access to her but the same applies to you. As you say this is blackmail and maybe he realises that you are gaining the confidence to live without him. You have no property to sell so in a way you are not tied to him in any shape or form but what you will need is a financial cushion. Whatever you give him he will want more so time to focus on yours and your daughters future and build up some savings. Separating your finances as far as possible is also a good idea. Making a note of all the things you pay for and making him pay half is the start. It sounds so stressful to live with him and while his mental health issues may be part of the reason he just sounds like an unpleasant man.