It's time to begin.....

Kakiste

Husband is being a piece of work again, last night decided to say 'we never do anything together' I pointed out that we have spent the cast majority of each day together with our daughter this holiday going bike riding, to the beach, zoo, swimming, playgrounds etc. That apparently 'didnt count' as it was with our daughter.

 He asked 'what do we do just together?' I pointed out we watch films or TV series together or just sit and talk in the evenings once she's in bed (which I dont like because he likes to discuss 'big moral/political issues' but doesn't like to be disagreed with so it's mostly just listening to him sermonise on a topic as if I counter his opinion with either facts or my own take he gets combative and personally insulting; calling me misinformed, naive or stupid and ranting until I eventually say I agree with him (otherwise it will go on for HOURS... But I digress)

He scoffed at the watching films comment with 'so we sit in silence just happening to be in the same room and watching the same film.' 

I asked him to suggest what he would like to do and said we could do that. he then said "I'm not you, I don't have an ulterior motive that I'm trying to manipulate you into" (note, I When I am unhappy with something I tend to have a suggestion about how I would prefer something to be/happen- I don't see it as manipulative)

I then made a few suggestions, all of which he scoffed at and dismissed. I then said "you're going to have to help me out, I'm trying to find a solution but you don't like what I'm suggesting, can you think of anything?"

"He then said, oh don't worry, I'll just go back to pretending everything is fine so you dont have to concern yourself with me, just the look of how everything is vapidly and on the surface... After all, I tried to gentl raise that I'd like us to do more together AND THEN YOU STARTED AN ARGUMENT (capitalised for !!!!!! factor!) 

The hell?

stymied

That sounds like the same question that a lot of parents face but what a frustrating response from your OH to your suggestions / request for his ideas!

Have you already tackled the problem of replacing the bike he bought for DD last year? How did he react?

rugbymadfamily

Bike sounds great, what a bargain! Getting out on it with your little one lots is a great bit of exercise and nice way to get around 😊

Words fail me on the husband point...but you dealt with that well. He needs to give some ideas too, not just knock yours off! 

Aspiration

I think you do so well to stay so calm and entertain it! 

Kakiste

The previousbike was bought by my dad, I told him about the replacement and he's offered to give me the money and make it his present for her birthday! Win win

He just frustrates me so much.... 

CRANKY40

He's not doing much to make time spent with him an attractive proposition is he? How long before you can leave him?

Kakiste

Hopefully next summer. Last 2 months he's been insisting I pay him £500 each month to build his savings back up *eye flick* but they're now back at 2k as of payday so I can (presumably) continue to smash the £730-£930 each month that I was paying off debt until June. 

Still waiting on final outcome from Ombudsman- one has already come through bur that was a bit of a long shot anyway because it was about a card I opened in 2013 so too long ago- be that as it may I still got £75 as an 'apology for stress' from one credit card company. The big bank one is more hopeful and all fairly recent so if I get a decent refund of interest from them it may be even sooner as I'm putting it all straight to the debt. (Husband doesnt know about the ombudsmen cases as I didn't want him insisting on the money

CRANKY40

Fingers crossed that the ombudsman comes good. The sooner the better....even if you stay it can be on your terms then. 

Kakiste

That's what I'm hoping (with regards to both) 

He can be fine for days on end but then is horrible for no reason with no cause and then snap, turns it off again. He's been really cheerful today despite all the stuff he said last night (A lot of that is the MH conditions I know but it doesn't make it easier to live with or acceptable that he turns it on me)

Last week whilst randomly talking he suddenly switched the conversation to infidelity (an ongoing obsession of his that Ive cheated- 15 years and I have never cheated in any way) and then said "Because if I found out that after all the help I gave you paying off the payday loans and I found out you'd be cheating with a colleague I'd make two phone calls that would destroy your life" 

No idea what the "two phonecalls" supposedly would be as I reminded him ive never cheated but I remarked that I was surprised he would "try and destroy me given how maturely he approaches conflict with other people" (not true but I thought it would segway out of the weird convo) He then laughed and said "yes if you betray me I absolutely would" 

What. The. Hell?! I mean where did that even come from? 

enthusiasticsaver

Your husband sounds like a real nasty piece of work.  Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who seems to want to put you down at every opportunity? I would certainly get your ducks in a row re leaving him as life is too short to put up with that. MH issues or not I could not cope with someone who treated me like he appears to treat you.