now solved.

Pollycat

little_green said:

74jax said:

My husband and I holiday together, and separately. The longest apart for a holiday was when I went to Mexico for 2 weeks for a wedding. However when I came back we kissed, hugged .... I do think I'd have been miffed if he said I couldn't get a kiss before a shower....

true but at that time was there a endemic/pandemic on the go .... I will add that normally I wouldn't have got OH to shower before welcoming them home. 
I  have tried to talk through things before but it seems to keep reoccurring. For example we've arrived home from work tonight (separately obviously) & OH is now "talking to me" without either of us apologizing but is still making snide comments like when I ask for something the reply is "do you think you deserve it after your behavior"  ... i'm not a child that's being scalded. It also signifies to me that OH still obviously thinks that reaction was justified.  It's the spiteful element that gets to me, but OH doesn't see it as spiteful 

I think he sounds very childish - an observation I made right at the beginning of this thread.

But the more you've posted about his behaviour, the worse he sounds.

Disrespectful.

Yes - and spiteful.

Determined to make you suffer.

Determined to put you in the wrong. And keep you there.

My ex was like that.

Sulking for days, then being snide.

That's one of the reasons he my ex.

Pollycat

NeilCr said:

Pollycat said:

NeilCr said:

Retireby40 said:t

gettingtheresometime said:

Retireby40 said:

What would worry more is why he was on a 2 week holiday without you? Is that a normal part of your relationship to go on separate holidays for so long?

Well I'm planning on going away for a month, possible 5 weeks without my OH.....

How old are you? How long is the relationship? What is the nature of the trip?

If it's some kind of work or study project or volunteering or something I would understand. However I dont know many couples who go away on individual holidays either solo (unless its Everest or an expedition type thing) or with their mates for 2 weeks. A weekend to football match or stag/hen party but I would be very worried if my other half said Hey me and the girls are going to marbella for 2 weeks make sure and feed the cat.

I am in my 60s and have been with my partner for some ten years

She is, currently, in Tenerife for a week with her two sons and granddaughter. She likes that  type of holiday (sun and lazing around). Not my idea of fun at all! We are both completely relaxed with the situation. I am busy with friends and a bunch of us are going to a concert together, too (she did fancy that).

There can be many good reasons for a couple to do separate things (including holidays) and be happy and in a healthy relationship. Personally, I find couples that insist on doing everything together a bit odd - but, I fully understand that it works for them

ETA. I do agree that the partner's reaction is totally OTT but I do think the OP could be a bit more giving with the greeting when getting home. And the comment about being tested was extreme

Forgive me if I'm wrong, Neil, but don't you and your partner live separately?

Nothing to forgive!

You are completely right. We do live separately but we are definitely a couple.

I am not sure it makes that much difference does it? The general principle remains the same - some couples (living together or not) do have separate holidays - my friend went off with some of her mates to Lisbon last year. Her partner of 30 years stayed at home and was unphased. They both do that from time to time.

ETA

I wonder if there may be an argument that couples who don't live together are more likely to go on holiday together?

The reasoning behind my question was that I thought it might 'feel' different if the house that both people occupy on a day-to-day basis only had the one person living there for a couple of weeks, rather than 2 houses where the 2 people only get together at the weekend (for example).

I'm not suggesting that that is how you and your partner live.

And I'm certainly not suggesting it's wrong.

It was just an observation on my part, thinking how I'd feel if my partner was away for several weeks after being used to him being here 24/7 (we are retired).

maman

onwards&upwards said:

What is it with new posters taking great pains not to indicate gender in their posts?  There’s been loads lately, it sticks out like a sore thumb. 

I wondered if it was the same poster that I've noticed doing it before. I agree that gender isn't relevant in this instance but it seems such a contrived style of writing that it's quite difficult to read. 

I'm another who isn't fazed by separate trips/holidays but I suppose it could be an issue where money or leave time from work is limited. I've often holidayed with a girlfriend and it's caused no problems at all. I'd extrapolate that and say that doing things separately as well as together is good for a relationship. 

To get back on topic, I'd say that on first reading that OP does seem to have over reacted hugely. I was amazed that they'd made a plan before the partner went away that they would shower as soon as they got home. Then reading on we find out that OP has anxiety issues so maybe this is normal for that person so I'd expect the partner to be understanding to an extent as they've been together a while. My first reaction to the partner's pettiness is that it is a bit childish but then they're probably feeling hurt and rejected after two weeks away and branded 'unclean'.

Personally, I hug my DH even when he's just been out for  couple of hours so I can't really empathise but then I haven't got anxiety issues. Maybe OP and her partner need to consider how compatible the are.

NeilCr

Pollycat said:

NeilCr said:

Pollycat said:

NeilCr said:

Retireby40 said:t

gettingtheresometime said:

Retireby40 said:

What would worry more is why he was on a 2 week holiday without you? Is that a normal part of your relationship to go on separate holidays for so long?

Well I'm planning on going away for a month, possible 5 weeks without my OH.....

How old are you? How long is the relationship? What is the nature of the trip?

If it's some kind of work or study project or volunteering or something I would understand. However I dont know many couples who go away on individual holidays either solo (unless its Everest or an expedition type thing) or with their mates for 2 weeks. A weekend to football match or stag/hen party but I would be very worried if my other half said Hey me and the girls are going to marbella for 2 weeks make sure and feed the cat.

I am in my 60s and have been with my partner for some ten years

She is, currently, in Tenerife for a week with her two sons and granddaughter. She likes that  type of holiday (sun and lazing around). Not my idea of fun at all! We are both completely relaxed with the situation. I am busy with friends and a bunch of us are going to a concert together, too (she did fancy that).

There can be many good reasons for a couple to do separate things (including holidays) and be happy and in a healthy relationship. Personally, I find couples that insist on doing everything together a bit odd - but, I fully understand that it works for them

ETA. I do agree that the partner's reaction is totally OTT but I do think the OP could be a bit more giving with the greeting when getting home. And the comment about being tested was extreme

Forgive me if I'm wrong, Neil, but don't you and your partner live separately?

Nothing to forgive!

You are completely right. We do live separately but we are definitely a couple.

I am not sure it makes that much difference does it? The general principle remains the same - some couples (living together or not) do have separate holidays - my friend went off with some of her mates to Lisbon last year. Her partner of 30 years stayed at home and was unphased. They both do that from time to time.

ETA

I wonder if there may be an argument that couples who don't live together are more likely to go on holiday together?

The reasoning behind my question was that I thought it might 'feel' different if the house that both people occupy on a day-to-day basis only had the one person living there for a couple of weeks, rather than 2 houses where the 2 people only get together at the weekend (for example).

I'm not suggesting that that is how you and your partner live.

And I'm certainly not suggesting it's wrong.

It was just an observation on my part, thinking how I'd feel if my partner was away for several weeks after being used to him being here 24/7 (we are retired).

Fair comments

I think I was coming from it from the point of view that if you don't see each other that often you might welcome the chance to spend a holiday together. Mind you there is a fair chance she might kill me if we were in the same space for any length of time!

I certainly didn't see you as being critical PollyCat. I do find it interesting to see the different takes from both sides of the experience

Retireby40

maman said:

onwards&upwards said:

What is it with new posters taking great pains not to indicate gender in their posts?  There’s been loads lately, it sticks out like a sore thumb. 

I wondered if it was the same poster that I've noticed doing it before. I agree that gender isn't relevant in this instance but it seems such a contrived style of writing that it's quite difficult to read. 

I'm another who isn't fazed by separate trips/holidays but I suppose it could be an issue where money or leave time from work is limited. I've often holidayed with a girlfriend and it's caused no problems at all. I'd extrapolate that and say that doing things separately as well as together is good for a relationship. 

To get back on topic, I'd say that on first reading that OP does seem to have over reacted hugely. I was amazed that they'd made a plan before the partner went away that they would shower as soon as they got home. Then reading on we find out that OP has anxiety issues so maybe this is normal for that person so I'd expect the partner to be understanding to an extent as they've been together a while. My first reaction to the partner's pettiness is that it is a bit childish but then they're probably feeling hurt and rejected after two weeks away and branded 'unclean'.

Personally, I hug my DH even when he's just been out for  couple of hours so I can't really empathise but then I haven't got anxiety issues. Maybe OP and her partner need to consider how compatible the are.

Your took the words right out of my mouth regarding making the plan before.

I'm picturing her sitting him down and saying enjoy your holiday but there will be some rules when you come home. When you enter the house you must go straight to the shower and have a good wash. You must not kiss me or come within 3 metres of me. 

I dont know it just sounds very strange that the conversation took place before.

Either way theres wrong on both sides. I would say if the man is still getting on like a child then there maybe is something else behind this all. A resentment of some reason for the partner and hes using this as an excuse to vent frustration. Are both parties genuinely happy or just in the relationship and plodding along. 

Maybe both parties need to sit down and have a proper chat about everything to see if there are any other issues or problems. 

Anxiety is a big problem and tough for the person who has it however the rest of the world including the man cant constantly walk around on eggshells in case in triggers something.

Archergirl

Maybe this has come along at a time for you to question your relationship with him, it does sound like hard work to me, maybe time to move on...xx

Marvel1

Better off splitting up.

Marvel1

little_green said:

Just to update OH has text me saying that one of their colleagues has the flu. I replied saying shouldn't they get tested for the virus?  To which OH replied saying "you know what why did I bother telling you..how stupid of me to think that you would take this like a normal person"

That is a normal person in asking this question today.

flanker6

Marvel1 said:

Better off splitting up.

Maybe. But I don't think we have the information to make that judgement yet.

Is there a specific reason for the OPs approach to potential Coronavirus? After all, if you're fit and healthy, you're likely to have just cold or flu like symptoms. Has the OP got an elderly or vulnerable friend so has heightened paranoia about the virus?

Pollycat

Marvel1 said:

little_green said:

Just to update OH has text me saying that one of their colleagues has the flu. I replied saying shouldn't they get tested for the virus?  To which OH replied saying "you know what why did I bother telling you..how stupid of me to think that you would take this like a normal person"

That is a normal person in asking this question today.

No, it isn't.

It's an anxious person who doesn't understand who should be tested.

Savvy_Sue said:

little_green said:

I think the "issue" for me is that these types of moods are not uncommon & where as someone pointed out my actions were based on concerns OH's reactions seems to just be purely motivated to hurt/annoy/punish me?  That makes me question how much OH truly cares for me bc why would you want to intentionally hurt the person you love? I do feel like OH tries to make me feel bad/force the apology even if i'm not in the "wrong". And even if i am in the wrong i don't mind apologizing but it's quite difficult to apologize when OH behaves like that as i feel it condones their behavior/reaction, 

BTW, there is a difference between phoning 111 and discussing your symptoms, and self-isolating, and 'getting tested'. Not everyone who has flu-like symptoms will need to be tested, and not everyone will need to self-isolate. The suggestion is that if you have symptoms of a respiratory infection you MAY, in the not too distant future, be asked to self-isolate for 7 days. I may just hibernate ... I've had a cough and cold but NOT the symptoms of corona. 

I've already posted what NHS say up-thread.

And it doesn't say that somebody who presents with flu symptoms should get tested.