now solved.

74jax

My husband and I holiday together, and separately. The longest apart for a holiday was when I went to Mexico for 2 weeks for a wedding. However when I came back we kissed, hugged .... I do think I'd have been miffed if he said I couldn't get a kiss before a shower....

Savvy_Sue

little_green said:

I think the "issue" for me is that these types of moods are not uncommon & where as someone pointed out my actions were based on concerns OH's reactions seems to just be purely motivated to hurt/annoy/punish me?  That makes me question how much OH truly cares for me bc why would you want to intentionally hurt the person you love? I do feel like OH tries to make me feel bad/force the apology even if i'm not in the "wrong". And even if i am in the wrong i don't mind apologizing but it's quite difficult to apologize when OH behaves like that as i feel it condones their behavior/reaction, 

This is the thing that worries me, as I hope my earlier post shows. Your OH knows you, and knows you have anxieties. Now obviously he might feel that you're better if he doesn't 'pander' to them too much, but his reactions do seem churlish, childish, spiteful even. And you don't seem able to talk through these things. 

BTW, there is a difference between phoning 111 and discussing your symptoms, and self-isolating, and 'getting tested'. Not everyone who has flu-like symptoms will need to be tested, and not everyone will need to self-isolate. The suggestion is that if you have symptoms of a respiratory infection you MAY, in the not too distant future, be asked to self-isolate for 7 days. I may just hibernate ... I've had a cough and cold but NOT the symptoms of corona. 

onwards&upwards

What is it with new posters taking great pains not to indicate gender in their posts?  There’s been loads lately, it sticks out like a sore thumb. 

little_green

74jax said:

My husband and I holiday together, and separately. The longest apart for a holiday was when I went to Mexico for 2 weeks for a wedding. However when I came back we kissed, hugged .... I do think I'd have been miffed if he said I couldn't get a kiss before a shower....

true but at that time was there a endemic/pandemic on the go .... I will add that normally I wouldn't have got OH to shower before welcoming them home. 
I  have tried to talk through things before but it seems to keep reoccurring. For example we've arrived home from work tonight (separately obviously) & OH is now "talking to me" without either of us apologizing but is still making snide comments like when I ask for something the reply is "do you think you deserve it after your behavior"  ... i'm not a child that's being scalded. It also signifies to me that OH still obviously thinks that reaction was justified.  It's the spiteful element that gets to me, but OH doesn't see it as spiteful 

GaleSF63

Mojisola said:

If he sulks a lot and talks to you like this, what are his redeeming qualities that keep you together?

Being away for 2 weeks?

Pollycat

little_green said:

checking in. overwhelmed by the responses tbh! thanks for everyone who has taken the time to reply. 
ok, so to settle the holiday "issue" it's not an issue for us. It wasn't a holiday per-say but a trip to see extended family who moved abroad prior to us meeting, thus I don't really know them. I have no desire to really visit the part of the world they reside in (it a long flight!) & OH enjoys having a couple of weeks to themselves. 

re the getting tested comment, it may seem a bit OTT but to me it seems precautionary. Also this statement has just been released: "Speaking at a press conference Professor Whitty said: "We are now very close to the time, probably in the next 10 to 14 days, where we should say everybody who has even minor respiratory tract infections or a fever should be self isolating for seven days afterwards."
Now I agree the chances of said colleague actually having the virus is slim however I think we need to be a bit more vigilant in trying to minimize the potential spread. I feel there's a lot of nonchalant "it won't happen to me" attitudes out there & "if i'm not old/don't have an underlying health condition i'll be fine" You may be. You also may not be.

Re the barking orders/giving a lecture. We had discussed the "plan" prior to OH departure so OH always knew that it would be straight to shower when getting home & we had agreed on this previously. So there was no lecture/barking orders. 

I guess people have different expectations of affections but for me, id think that in 6 years of being together not getting kiss on arrival home shouldn't be taken to heart. As stated I was cooking dinner for OH whilst they were in the shower - is that not a sign of my love & care? (obviously not saying a relationship would sustain no physical contact long term so long as your cooked for!) 

I think the "issue" for me is that these types of moods are not uncommon & where as someone pointed out my actions were based on concerns OH's reactions seems to just be purely motivated to hurt/annoy/punish me?  That makes me question how much OH truly cares for me bc why would you want to intentionally hurt the person you love? I do feel like OH tries to make me feel bad/force the apology even if i'm not in the "wrong". And even if i am in the wrong i don't mind apologizing but it's quite difficult to apologize when OH behaves like that as i feel it condones their behavior/reaction, 

re testing - have you read the NHS guidelines?

You don't just get tested because you have flu-like symptoms.

Even the quote you provided by Professor Whitty doesn't mention 'testing.'

TBH, if I was having a discussion with you down t'pub about coronavirus, I'd find your comments irritating because they are ill-informed.

Re the 2nd bit in bold:

I think this latest incident has simply made you start to question your relationship.

I would be doing the same.

NBLondon

onwards&upwards said:

What is it with new posters taking great pains not to indicate gender in their posts?  There’s been loads lately, it sticks out like a sore thumb. 

Is gender relevant to the question?  Why are you noticing?

I think Savvy_Sue has it right above...  The OP is perhaps being too anxious but a partner of 6 years should be a bit more accommodating to that and not respond by sulking for days and then taking to snide comments.  Is there an underlying issue or incompatibility that neither of them are recognising or addressing?

SadieO

little_green said:
when I ask for something the reply is "do you think you deserve it after your behavior" 

Sorry but this sounds really quite creepy to me. 

pollypenny

If my OH had been away for a fortnight, I'd risk a quick kiss and hug, as I'd be very pleased to see him. 

SandC

little_green said:

I  have tried to talk through things before but it seems to keep reoccurring. For example we've arrived home from work tonight (separately obviously) & OH is now "talking to me" without either of us apologizing but is still making snide comments like when I ask for something the reply is "do you think you deserve it after your behavior"  ... i'm not a child that's being scalded. It also signifies to me that OH still obviously thinks that reaction was justified.  It's the spiteful element that gets to me, but OH doesn't see it as spiteful 

BIB is a real trigger for me.  Wow!  That takes me back to a toxic relationship that I didn't realise was toxic at the time.... he used to have me tell him (out loud and frequently) how lucky I was to have him..... Eeeugh.
I think like many others that it was probably overkill to ask him to shower without giving him a hug and a kiss, but those are your concerns and you had voiced them before he got home.  His reaction has been totally over the top and like another poster has said, this situation with covid19 has given you pause to think about your relationship because of his reactions to this.  In anyone else's relationship it would have been discussed and over and done with and hugged and snogged out by the time dinner was over....
Well we've given second opinions, but are you going to act on this or let it blow over?