I think I know what you're all going to say here but here goes!

mason's_mum

flanker6 wrote: »

^^^ This!
If you don't let this go now, you are in danger of driving him further away and presenting yourself as obsessive - which may jeopardise future relationships.


If he does get back in touch - and he may - then consider it a bonus. You can decide at that point whether you want to bother with someone that ignores your messages for days at a time.

I know you're right, but I do think how much further away can I drive him!? we have no mutual friends so he can't share my obsessiveness with anyone who knows me!
I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!

flanker6

mason's_mum wrote: »

I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!

Difficult. I suppose you need to try to fill your time with other activities!


Social media communication distorts reality. If you spoke to a guy in a pub and you were getting along fine but then he just kept ignoring you, you'd have no problem walking away - thinking he was a git. Why should social media communication be any different?


You have to accept that your initial impression of him being a nice guy just wasn't accurate. After all, it was based on a relatively little amount of communication anyway.

pickledonionspaceraider

mason's_mum wrote: »

I know you're right, but I do think how much further away can I drive him!? we have no mutual friends so he can't share my obsessiveness with anyone who knows me!
I've never been obsessive about anything or anyone before which is why it worries me that this minor thing has got to me so badly. how do you override your own brain?!

It is not you driving him away

He has ALREADY made that decision - so don't take it on yourself that you are driving, he has already drove

mason's_mum

flanker6 wrote: »

Difficult. I suppose you need to try to fill your time with other activities!


Social media communication distorts reality. If you spoke to a guy in a pub and you were getting along fine but then he just kept ignoring you, you'd have no problem walking away - thinking he was a git. Why should social media communication be any different?


You have to accept that your initial impression of him being a nice guy just wasn't accurate. After all, it was based on a relatively little amount of communication anyway.

Everything you say is true!
Although I find it hard to fill my 4am slot with other activities!

I think I'm just too nice - I'd never want someone walking around thinking I was a completely heartless cow if I'd ghosted them, so I'd do the right thing, no matter how hard the conversation, and tell them.
I also don't want him to think I'm just a pushover and I think he should be told that his behaviour has been bad, If he was in a bar I could tell him he was being rude and leave but I think the fact that I can't actually do that is what's getting to me the most right now.

It has also knocked me that I always thought I was a good judge of character and that turns out not to be the case, even after meeting him twice.

Skiddaw1

Don't beat yourself up about it if you can possibly help it. You only met him twice and it's just not long enough to know what someone is really about no matter how plausible they seem. It may be a cliche but if he either didn't have the courage or couldn't be bothered to tell you the relationship (as far as it ever became a relationship) was over then he ain't worth having. You deserve significantly better than that.


I say have a glass or two of wine, do something happy and life-affirming just for you and if it helps, write him a stinky letter telling him what a !!!!!! he is (don't send it obviously....:))

mason's_mum

Skiddaw1 wrote: »

write him a stinky letter telling him what a !!!!!! he is (don't send it obviously....:))

I already did this! although it's actually quite polite as I originally wrote it down as what I would say to him if he picked up the phone when I called (which he didn't!) but it's just as good as a letter! definitely made me feel better!

HampshireH

Best thing you can do is delete his number

I know it's tempting to send a parting shot (I'd want to) but its not worth it. Especially after just a few dates.

Keeping his number will make you want to use it.

swingaloo

About 22 years ago I met a man through work, we worked for the same company but lived 300 miles apart. We became close on the phone and decided to meet. I was head over heels by the end of our first meeting and by out 3rd he had told me that he loved me and we started to plan a future together.

I was mid divorce from my husband and his wife had left him for someone else 6 months before we met. (On reflection now I think it was rebound on his part). The relationship continued for around 12 months when I started to notice that quite often when we met up (which involved a lot of travelling so was mostly every other weekend) he would be quite cool towards me and I started to think he did not want me there, but then the next time I saw him he would be all loved up and my doubts would disappear. But it got to the stage where I was returning home after the weekend confused and often more upset than happy. It finally got to the stage where I had a long conversation about how he was treating me and will never forget the words he used 'Sometimes the greatest thing you can have in life is a good friend'. It was as if I had been slapped around the face. I ended the relationship as I could not cope with just being friends. 8 months later he contacted me to say he had made a mistake and wanted to try again. I was ecstatic but 3 months later the blowing hot and cold started again and I called it a day but it hurt.
Its no lie to say that I spent over 2 years wondering what had gone wrong and why. We didn't do Facebook then thank goodness or Im sure I would have been a stalker. I used to call his number at work and at home just to hear his voice and hang up when I gut through. I was completely miserable and it was consuming everything I did every day.

So much wasted time, don't do it. Move on, make yourself busy. If the 4am gets to you buy a good book. Anything but lie there wondering why.

You are not the problem, he is either just rude or thoughtless and either way dwelling on it is not good for you.

mason's_mum

HampshireH wrote: »

r

I know it's tempting to send a parting shot (I'd want to) but its not worth it. Especially after just a few dates.

sooooo tempting, but he's not reading my messages so it's a bit of a waste of energy - I just want him to know that it's not the right thing to do - even if only for the next girl not to have to feel like I did (and still do!)

mason's_mum

swingaloo wrote: »

Its no lie to say that I spent over 2 years wondering what had gone wrong and why. We didn't do Facebook then thank goodness or Im sure I would have been a stalker. I used to call his number at work and at home just to hear his voice and hang up when I gut through. I was completely miserable and it was consuming everything I did every day.

So much wasted time, don't do it. Move on, make yourself busy. If the 4am gets to you buy a good book. Anything but lie there wondering why.

You are not the problem, he is either just rude or thoughtless and either way dwelling on it is not good for you.

thanks for sharing Swingaloo, I feel really angry at how you were treated - I hope I'm not still feeling this way in 2 years time!

an interesting note - I don't hear many complaints from men about receiving the same treatment, although I'm sure it does happen. What is it about men that they think it's OK to behave like this? Can we teach our little (and not so little) boys that this is not cool?