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Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

edited 30 November -1 at 12:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
1.8K replies 452.8K views
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  • edited 18 January at 9:21PM
    pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    edited 18 January at 9:21PM
    Having followed Ss over the years since 2008 I have confidence in her ability to make this new chapter in her life work. However she will need to stay focused on her home situation and not be led down the all to familiar path of bailing out ds..


    All those years ago she was trying to seek the necessary help for the twins and not getting much help at all from the services meant to do so. That wrecked her already poor health and added to the fallout from the bankruptcy.


    Next thread was her and ds in the cottage and a lot of the disappearing, not coming home and avoiding was obvious in DSs behaviour. Over the years that;s become his norm. All attempts by her to show him a better way of living seem to have fallen on stony ground over the years.


    The only way I see the situation working with the new way ahead is for her to find a way as she has needed to do with the twins over the years to step back as much as possible and let him find his own way. No more bank of mum or rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic. Keeping her finances for the needs at home rather than bailing him out again.


    It will go against her usual instincts but those of us who are parents know it's a fine line between helping or advising and enabling. He's no longer a teenager but is now in his mid twenties I agree with the post from Both Feet on Terra Firma from what we read here he hasn;t shown a great deal of wanting to engage in the care of his sons and has pretty well put any hope of being a full time parent out of reach now.


    We've seen many times what Ss can achieve when allowed to follow a plan. She got through bankruptcy, ill health and various challenging situations over the years. If she is left to get on with the task ahead she will cope. So her priority is not to be led off track again.


    From what I've read about the new GF she sounds helpful and kind. I'm not convinced the suggestion he may be able to move in with her would work. Unless it would somehow make him open and supportive it wouldn't help her. If I remember rightly Ss posted recently the gf has children of her own. If he can't do the right thing for his own it's unlikely he could do it for them.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • KxMxKxMx Forumite
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    My Dad was way more invested in his step children than me and my brother, it can go either way!
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    KxMx wrote: »
    My Dad was way more invested in his step children than me and my brother, it can go either way!


    I agree but as you sadly discovered not so good for children left behind.
    pollyx
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    I thought I had posted last night but it has disappeared into cyber space.
    I am fine.
    Yesterday I tried to talk to DS but he was very quiet and didn't really have any answers. I said that I hope that he and his Solicitor challenge some of the summing up etc, and that it was eventually going to be a fact he would leave, it is just that the deadline proposed is rather unrealistic when he has nowhere to go, he will not get social housing as he is single, he willnot be able to rent privately as he doesn't earn enough, his credit rating is apauling and he doesn't have the deposit available. This council doesn't offer a deposit scheme like some do.
    He is not planning on moving in with his girlfriend as she has a lot of issues with her ex at the moment, and getting together would also affect her benefits etc. Also it would probably bring social into her life if he was living under her roof. If he cannot stay with his own children then staying with hers would probably be a no go area.
    He needs a room somewhere where he is not tempted to go back to drugs, and I fear if he ended up in a hostel the temptation would be hard to resist. My fear is that what good work he has managed to achieve, even if it has been slower than anyone would have liked, really doesn't warrant jeopardising.
    But I can only advise.
    I can't do it for him.
    It would be more ideal if he had got his debts sorted, and off the tenancy with the ex.
    He must get legal advice.

    In a way I see more positives if I am the soul carer, as there will be nobody else to undermine me. However the respite care for me needs to be put in place with the other family being more reliable, with the nursery and after school clubs, and I must just step back from my business somewhat, until things are stable with the children.
    This means that I have to make sure that whatever financial package I receive will cover our outgoings, and that we are not left on the poverty line.
    The funds are meanstested, so if my income is going down that needs to be taken into consideration.
    As they get older under an SGO the funds do not increase like Foster care, and so prorata I will need to make sure that I can increase my earnings abilities in line with the children growing up.
    One of my main focus's must be selfcare. So I am as well as I can be, to be able to do this next decade plus.
    I will make a few lifestyle changes, as I have already been doing.
    I don't intend for stress and depression to drag me down if I can help it.

    DS messaged me at midnight could he go to the gfs as her children are with the dad, and I agreed, as he doesn't really do that much to help me, and I wouldn't have to keep the children quiet while he sleeps.
    Dgs2 and dgs1 woke roughly the same time, and as 1 can open the gate, they were in my room a few minutes before 6am
    Unfortunately Dgs2 didn't sleep too well in the night and I was in and out several times.
    So today I will need to pace myself as DS is working from 12 until late evening, so I will have another day of just us.
    Good practice for when he is gone.
    The boys didn't even ask why Daddy wasn't in bed when they came down.

    Dgd is not in a very good place, the school meeting has been changed to Wednesday. I am studying some psychology within my current courses and hope that I can try some of the tactics with talking about things, and deal with things in a different way
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • edited 19 January at 11:40AM
    pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    edited 19 January at 11:40AM
    Ss re ds finding somewhere to live in a hurry. I have a number of former firemen friends who invested their final payments when retiring younger than pension age as required for active fire crews in property They bought lovely victorian houses in a nesrby village but talking to them over the years I learned a lot about property.


    The easiest option often not involving credit checks is a room or bedsit in an HMO. Toxic ex husband actually moved into one when the court ordered him to move many miles away under an injunction with enduring power of arrest. He moved to the area he worked in and remained in his bedsit despite being a high earner with a solid work record for 50 years. Poor deluded soul believed he was living under the radar although he was paying tax national insurance registered with a doctor , dentist etc.


    The only question the landlord asked was whether he was working although he never checked and others in the house were unemployed. There are good and some dodgy landlords with HMOs. My feeling that his landlord was dodgy was confirmed when ex had a bad fall and lay with a broken hip for three days and was rescued after the fire brigade needed to enter his attic room through a tiny window to allow the police to enter through the door ex was lying against . The cleaner had heard him and called the police. Anyway after he'd gone to hospital the fire service contacred the local council who found landlord was under the radar himself and not registered.


    Some people still rent rooms to lodgers but that's possibly not something ds would be comfortable with sharing someones home.


    In his line of work it could be useful to talk to staff and customers who may know of somewhere suitable with no agencies involved.


    I hope Wednesdays meeting will be productive and dgd will soon be getting help. At least moving it to Wednesday should make the Guardian and Solicitors meetings less frantic.


    I'm glad you're focusing on self care. I talk about it often here. As a carer with my own health problems I understand it;s not easy finding a balance but it's something we need be mindful of as much as possible.


    ps I know Soul carer is an unintended typo but isn't it a lovely expression ? It made me smile and as the queen of the typos who posts then reads and notices my errors and edits I'm in no position to judge.


    Hope your day goes well.
    pollyx
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
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  • NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    He could go to the Council and see what help is available. As you suggest he likely wouldn't get social housing but our council, at least, are pretty helpful with suggestions/pointing in the right direction for those seeking somewhere to live

    In terms of the debts has he been in contact with a debt charity. CAB often have debt workers - national debtline are another possibility

    Personally, I'd suggest a visit to CAB first. They might be aware of local homelessness charities that could help in that area as well

    As others have said he should be doing this - not you doing it for him. When he moves out he needs to update his creditors of his new address. The last thing you want is debt collectors/bailiffs turning up at your place when he has gone
  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    The iPhone has a terrible habit of changing the words from what I type to what it thinks. It always tries to change the word sew to see!
    I did type sole as in single!
    But actually I do need Soul care as well!

    I have just reread the reports that DS had, and understand it better. I see the concerns about the transition from the other family, and I am not sure why they were told of the plans that involve me were not discussed with me first. I appear to be an after thought with the powers that be.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    Is it possible you haven't been sent paperwork you should have received Ss? There have been errors over the course of the situation with messages not acted on etc. It does seem odd that others can know information concerning you while you were in the dark until ds told you.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • hb2hb2 Forumite
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    Yes, I smiled at 'soul carer' and thought how appropriate it is.
    It's not difficult!
    'Wander' - to walk or move in a leisurely manner.
    'Wonder' - to feel curious.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    I would suggest that DS goes bankrupt - that cannot put him in a worse case scenario than he is now in. Again, I think that a room in an HMO is his only choice - and it will be up to him (as it is for far too many young people) not to associate with those who might send him into an even-more downward spiral. He is an adult, SS, and you cannot protect him for ever - you now have to concentrate on his children :-(
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