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Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

edited 30 November -1 at 12:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
1.8K replies 453.4K views
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  • jackieblackjackieblack Forumite
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    I know Soul carer is an unintended typo but isn't it a lovely expression ? It made me smile

    Me too :)
    And I thought how appropriate a slip it was - SS is indeed caring for the children’s souls, as well as being their sole carer :)
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  • NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    thorsoak wrote: »
    I would suggest that DS goes bankrupt - that cannot put him in a worse case scenario than he is now in. :-(

    I really think he should get advice before deciding on any course of action.

    Without knowing the full details of his debts it might be that a DRO would be the most appropriate course of action for example. I volunteer at a CAB and we see quite a few people coming in saying 'I want to go bankrupt". After they've seen our debt specialist they often end up doing something different

    As well someone (!) has to find the £680 that bankruptcy costs

    I don't believe that I've read anywhere that the son has sought advice (I might have missed it). That should be his first port of call with full details of his debts and the supporting paperwork
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    NeilCr wrote: »
    I really think he should get advice before deciding on any course of action.

    Without knowing the full details of his debts it might be that a DRO would be the most appropriate course of action for example. I volunteer at a CAB and we see quite a few people coming in saying 'I want to go bankrupt". After they've seen our debt specialist they often end up doing something different

    As well someone (!) has to find the £680 that bankruptcy costs

    I don't believe that I've read anywhere that the son has sought advice (I might have missed it). That should be his first port of call with full details of his debts and the supporting paperwork

    £680 to register for bankruptcy :eek: I had failed to factor this into any suggestion about DS becoming bankrupt! The logic of this fee completely fails me.

    I agree that DS needs to face - and list out - all his debts - but he leaves this to SS to sort out and pay for him - he seems to be unable to face anything unpleasant, but this should not be the time that SS picks up the pieces yet again.
  • NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    thorsoak wrote: »
    £680 to register for bankruptcy :eek: I had failed to factor this into any suggestion about DS becoming bankrupt! The logic of this fee completely fails me.

    I agree that DS needs to face - and list out - all his debts - but he leaves this to SS to sort out and pay for him - he seems to be unable to face anything unpleasant, but this should not be the time that SS picks up the pieces yet again.

    £130 adjudicator fee and £550 deposit (which you get back if your application is refused). There aren't any reductions for low income or being on benefits either as far as I am aware. CAB may know of a local charity who might be able to help

    I don't disagree that the amount is high but them's the rules. It's details like these - and the fact that we don't know all the facts - that make me feel very strongly that he needs professional debt advice
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    NeilCr wrote: »
    I really think he should get advice before deciding on any course of action.

    Without knowing the full details of his debts it might be that a DRO would be the most appropriate course of action for example. I volunteer at a CAB and we see quite a few people coming in saying 'I want to go bankrupt". After they've seen our debt specialist they often end up doing something different

    As well someone (!) has to find the £680 that bankruptcy costs

    I don't believe that I've read anywhere that the son has sought advice (I might have missed it). That should be his first port of call with full details of his debts and the supporting paperwork




    I've just lost a long post partially a reply re dss debts also about a problem helping a neighbour with debt.


    Your post seems to be stuck where a reply would normally be made Neil so could I ask if someone can make the initial phone csll to cab for an appt with their permission . My neighbour is phone phobic and pretty fearful over cc debt . Debt has never been in her life until her sisters illness and death meant she was trying to pay all bills etc and resorted to the cc for food and other expenses.


    I hope you notice this as you'll know the answer to my question.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
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  • dreamingdreaming Forumite
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    I'm pretty sure Savvy sewing did encourage DS to go to Stepchange in the past but I don't think he followed through. The chances are that this would be the same outcome again whatever route he went down. I know there are some issues that mean any sort of plan is difficult - I believe DS is dyslexic and I have often thought he shows some signs of ASD. I only say that because he shows similar behaviours to my eldest who was only diagnosed in his 30's - the not facing up to things, repeating actions that have bad consequences and not learning from them. However, those are also behaviours displayed by people who take drugs habitually (as my eldest also did to try to mask their feelings of confusion in trying to cope). Luckily my eldest is not dyslexic - in fact, as long as communication is via e-mail or text he is extremely good at form filling, budgetting, or finding information on benefits and help etc., and part of his ASD means he doesn't give up once he is set on a course of action. Unfortunately he and his partner are not very good at any sort of housework and after nearly 2 years of offering to help I have realised that this is how they are so now I leave them to it.

    Savvy sewing - I fear you may have to write off any cash that DS owes you, but please do not give him any more, whether that is for his car repairs or room deposit etc. You have done (more than) enough I feel and you now have to manage your resources - mentally, emotionally, and financially- for the grandchildren in your care. I know it's hard to ignore your heart when it comes to someone you love but it has to be done for all your sakes. I still cry a bit sometimes when I come home from visiting eldest but it's getting easier and most of the time I just think of him now as any other adult making choices I disagree with - it's his business, not mine. Getting to that point was hard I admit, but I had a lot of counselling during the worst times and learned to let go.
  • NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    I've just lost a long post partially a reply re dss debts also about a problem helping a neighbour with debt.


    Your post seems to be stuck where a reply would normally be made Neil so could I ask if someone can make the initial phone csll to cab for an appt with their permission . My neighbour is phone phobic and pretty fearful over cc debt . Debt has never been in her life until her sisters illness and death meant she was trying to pay all bills etc and resorted to the cc for food and other expenses.


    I hope you notice this as you'll know the answer to my question.
    polly


    This isn't going to help (sorry) but it depends a bit on your local CAB as offices work in different ways. If we knew that we had an authorisation we likely would - especially if your neighbour was "known" to us - I.e is already a client

    We have a drop in based service, though, so the norm would be for your neighbour to come to us with all the paperwork for an initial assessment. But, as I say, your local office might have a different modus operandi. If you are prepared to let me know your general location (not pushing for it!) I can see if I can find anything about your local office.
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    Well I've made myself a cup of tea and calmed down. I think I probably pressed the quote button on your post Neil rather than the thanks button which explains why the reply box wasn't empty.


    Is it ok if I send you a pm re my location? Due to some posts here re my dd she would be easily identified on an open forum.



    As I've had some contact with local cab on behalf of local homeless people althugh not in recent months my last impression was quite long waits for an appt which I understand as all services are under pressure due to cuts in support for many


    I'm very concerned about my neighbour further along the lane. She's always been very reserved but we've chatted over the years about our gardens and various cats we were owned by.


    She's looked very thin and ill and I discovered her sister had died a while ago. Sister had lived with her for a number of years and from neighbour asking me if I had any knowledge of schemes to use her house to repay nearly 6k of credit card debt incurred due to income lowering when sister was ill and keeping bills paid from her reduced pension while using the card for food and other expenses.


    She'd never been in debt and is ill with worry and very afraid. I've no idea if she was referring to Equity Release or Home Reversion she said it was something she'd read in the paper. I told her major debt advice services do not endorse those plans .


    She has never used the internet so I've printed various things off. I did manage to persuade her to speak to Pension credit on the phone in order to put in a claim which hopefully may include the guarantee element to hrlp re council tax. I made the call and handed her the phone when I got through. She was very shaky but managed to answer the questions.


    Some searching on the debt free fotums has identified the bank both her current and card account are with as one of the difficult ones to deal with re payment plans. Luckily she has monthly paper bank statements going back years and is organised which is relief.


    As far as I can tell historically she repaid any card purchases in full by the due date. Since the problems began she was paying just over the minimum payment each month. I've found three months recently when she was late paying and letters from the bank re a late payment fee each time and warning they may tske funds from her current account to make up the payments.


    Those letters give an option to phone and changr her payment date to a week when bills aren't due and there is one week clear of dds each month. So far she can't face phoning them although I've told her I'm not allowed to make the call for her due to security issues.
    So slow progress at the moment.


    It's obvious she can't keep up the payments. She went slightly over her card limit a few months ago by a couple of pounds had another letter not to use it which will help reduce any further debt but I'm at a loss to see a way she can manage on very little.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • edited 19 January at 7:27PM
    pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    edited 19 January at 7:27PM
    Neil Firefox is blocking your reply to my pm. Never happened with my Dell . I'm still getting used to this laptop so will see if dd can solve that issue. I'm not very techie.


    As far ads I'm aware ds has an arrangement re the rent arrears in place. I remember posting some bullet points to tackle the various issues and one was contacting Stepchange or another decent debt agency.


    There was an issue with his bank and I advised him to open a new account at a bank unrelated to his present bank before trying to make an arrangement with his original bank.


    Ex gf was using his card details online after he'd left and running up debt and I advised contacting his bank, amazon and some subscription services re the situation and cancel his card and any accounts linked to the card.



    I've no idea if he did any of those things.


    Personally I would never advise any young person to go the Bankruptcy route. It's an extreme solution. I'm pretty sure having had to take that route herself in different circumstances Ss wouldn't advise him to do so.


    I'm a bit old style having had a mum with many mottos including never a borrower or a lender be. She put the fear of debt into myself and my sisters. The only time I went against it was buying this house in my 20s. Twenty five years of monthly payments were well worth it.


    Sorry Neil I woudn't recommend DRO either to someone young. I think he needs to realise that actions have consequences . It often strikes me as a get out of jail card. He needs to learn he has these debts and just as he should make efforts to pay back his mum he should also pay back his other debts.and learn the lesson. He wont learn financial management if he can walk away and ignore these things as he's done with his mum.


    My neighbour is anxious to clear her debt and determined to pay it all and she's in her mid seventies so a few years older than myself.


    Thinking about your pm it's probably possible you could post your advice here without needing to mention the location. No pressure though you're probably fed up with me :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    It is difficult when the debts start to spiral if they are not addressed. This is why I get so annoyed with DS.
    He says yes and doesn't bother until I stand over him.
    I have long since realised that I am not going to be getting my money back, and that I will be paying debts off for a couple of years that are not mine.
    But I am repaying faster than the minimum etc, and it's all been transferred onto 0% schemes.
    I hope that you can help your neighbour Polly.

    It's been a long day here, as I have miss placed my glasses so haven't been anywhere and it's given me a headache both from not seeing properly and and from the noise of daily life with kids.

    One down, one to go. I need to find my old glasses before tomorrow morning or I will have problems with the school run as I need my glasses to drive Dgd to school.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
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