Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
1.8K replies 477.8K views
11011131516181

Replies

  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
    11.5K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Rampant Recycler
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    I am inside out, upside down and in the middle.
    Logic and heart are rarely on the same side.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • edited 20 January 2020 at 11:38PM
    essex123456essex123456 Forumite
    21 Posts
    10 Posts Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited 20 January 2020 at 11:38PM
    But what are you risking here - if you don't play ball and DS continues to make unwise decisions then doesn't that putting keeping the two boys at risk?

    And I meant what i said earlier, its not fair that your income that is provided by the government to provide for the children you look after and for you as a carer is spent on DS - meaning you have to scrimp on yourself and the children.

    Also - isn't there a way of finding DS a fresh start somewhere new? because it doesn't sound like he is doing so well right now x
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
    4K Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    ✭✭✭✭
    Personally I'd choose logic in the present circumstances. You need to look at things clearly. Another day you could have returned to kitchen fire as ds slumbered on. As a LAC dgd does need to be considered as ss are invoved with the court case.


    He's had another birthday and a few years on will be 30. A lot of his present behaviour was apparant in his teens. He's always ready and able to visit the gf , play his games etc but struggles to keep an eye on a pan of pasta.


    You had the diaries out made your plans , said I can do this etc and now you're thinking it's too early for him to go. I believe while he's hanging onto your apron strings he will never learn life skills.


    If you want him to stay it's quite likely the little ones will need to go. If so they may not get such lovely foster parents this time or even be placed together.


    You've been very frustrated and angry with him recently and I can understand why so why can't you let him go? Give him, yourself ,dgd and the little ones a chance. Biggest had to intervene a few days ago with him and dgd. Can't you see how toxic the situation is at the moment? I hope your dear mum is unaware of these events she doesn't need the worry.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • essex123456essex123456 Forumite
    21 Posts
    10 Posts Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I have no idea if its true but a lot of people say about reaching rock bottom before people help themselves.

    Saying that i have a son and I can't imagine how hard or difficult it would be.
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
    4K Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    ✭✭✭✭
    One last thought Ss. I said the big positive is mum not contesting the order. Do you think she'll still feel the same if he's still with you and the boys?
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • hb2hb2 Forumite
    1.3K Posts
    1,000 Posts Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭
    Ss, I remember someone talking to me about their 'difficult' son and saying 'He won't swim and I can't let him sink' and I think this is where you are. You are a mother and your heart will always tell you to do whatever you can for your offspring. However, your head is screaming at you, telling you what you need to do.

    Yes, DS's departure needs to be handled carefully for the children's sake. However, if you don't want him to move out until the debt is addressed you will have a long wait as he has zero incentive to do anything about it as long as you are providing for him. What is happening to the money he earns cos it doesn't seem to be providing for his children or paying off his debts?!

    Like others here, I have huge respect for what you are doing Ss, and hate to see you struggling more than you should have to :(
    It's not difficult!
    'Wander' - to walk or move in a leisurely manner.
    'Wonder' - to feel curious.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
    7.1K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭✭
    Just a thought SS ......as DS likes LARPING, could you suggest he approaches his problems in the manner in which he acts when he goes on these weekends? ie - he puts on "costume" - for his role as barman etc - he works out how to approach his "enemies" - his debts and how to reach the castle/goal - his new accommodation ? Would his brain cope better with this approach?
  • edited 21 January 2020 at 2:29PM
    Both_Feet_on_Terra_FirmaBoth_Feet_on_Terra_Firma Forumite
    68 Posts
    edited 21 January 2020 at 2:29PM
    Wow what a lot for you to read through SS remember that advice can only be given on what we you have written and what we have read ,interpretations can be different
    I think the time has come for you to make a choice him or the boys and potentially DGD he has had so many chances to bond ,interact and care for these children yet he really doesnt seem to want to and is not willing to put them first . The council will do very little to house him he is single and earning a living if he chooses to spend his earnings on fun then that is his choice .You say March 1st is not long enough but he knew in December so 4 months yet he could not even pay £300 for his car so when would be the right time May 1st 2021? he has rarely paid his debts from years ago, motor scooters ,blacksmiths and lately HGV course it will never happen you will just keep moving the date to suit him . Sorry this sounds awful reading back but i really don't think there is anything else that can be said his leaving needs to be managed and the seeds need to be planted now that he is going. To be honest i think he is financially and emotionaly abusing you . Take care of yourself and the children x
    Keeping both feet on solid ground
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
    4K Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    ✭✭✭✭
    Belated thanks to Neil. Thanks to the Firefox advice from Savvy Sue I did manage to access your pm a couple of nights ago. I'm afraid I got caught up in the situation with ds and didn't respond. I do appreciate you including both the phone no and opening hours of my local cab office ib your pm.


    Thanks also to Savvy Sue for the firefox help, the info on speaking on someones behalf. When our Dr suggested applying for dla when my dd was 16 I became her appointee with dwp so am used to handling calls and paperwork for her. I'm also appointee with nhs. I realise the situation is different with my neighbour so will see how things go. The info on possible home visits is useful so will bear that in mind.


    When my dd now aged 35 received her invitation to apply for pip she was offered a home visit following a detailed letter from our gp. However the early morning appts were twice cancelled by dwp in last minte phone calls, the second time was half an hour before the assessor was due. Needless to see her anxiety was through the roof. Having been assessed on paper since the age of 16 she was already panic stricken worrying about a stranger in her safe space.Luckily the 3rd attempt brought a lovely experienced former NHS nurse and dd was awarded enchanced for both daily living and mobility.
    I will see what my neighbour thinks about possible home visits if available.


    Thank you for the links to mse recommended sites. I spent some time a couple of days ago reading all the info on the Stepchange site. I will be guided by advice from the benefits advisor at cab if their waiting lists aren't too long. I'm no expert but a dmp seemed perhaps a good choice. IVA seemed to have some drawbacks but I'll see what is advised.


    Looking through her bank statements I've noticed 2 things. I went back through 3 years and she's paying full council tax . No sign of the 25% reduction for being a single occupier despite being in her mid 70s. Also no sign of winter fuel payments so will need to get to the bottom of that as she's on a reduced pension with no savings , thankfully honouring he direct debits but living below the breadline .
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
    4K Posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    ✭✭✭✭
    thorsoak wrote: »
    Just a thought SS ......as DS likes LARPING, could you suggest he approaches his problems in the manner in which he acts when he goes on these weekends? ie - he puts on "costume" - for his role as barman etc - he works out how to approach his "enemies" - his debts and how to reach the castle/goal - his new accommodation ? Would his brain cope better with this approach?




    This is a brilliant idea. I've seen a similar thing used with youngsters on the spectrum to help them develop social skills and cope with difficulties engaging in daily life.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Latest MSE News and Guides

A guide to council tax bands

Lower your band & save £1,000s

MSE Guides

Cinema MoneySaving tips & tricks

Including year's 2for1 movies for £1

MSE Deals