Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

pollyanna_26

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

Wow what a lot for you to read through SS remember that advice can only be given on what we you have written and we have read interpretations can be different
I think the time has come for you to make a choice him or the boys and potentially DGD he has had so many chances to bond ,interact and care for these children yet he really doesnt seem to want to and is not willing to put them first . The council will do very little to house him he is single and earning a living if he chooses to spend his earnings on fun then that is his choice .You say March 1st is not long enough but he knew in December so 4 months yet he could not even pay £300 for his car so when would be the right time May 1st 2021? he has rarely paid his debts from years ago motor scooters ,blacksmiths and lately HGV course it will never happen you will just keep moving the date to suit him . Sorry this sounds awful reading back but i really don't think there is anything else that can be said his leaving needs to be managed and the seeds need to be planted now that he is going to be honest i think he is financially and emotionaly abusing you . Take care of yourself and the children x

I don't think this sounds awful. You've summed up the reality of the situation. The time since he found out in December about needing to move out has passed while he kept that news to himself. I still believe it's possible for him to find a room or bedsit in an HMO which is the most likely option in his circumstances.


He could also search for more hours doing a 2nd job. Lots of people have to do that. Unless something has changed re him needing to move out I believe you need to really weigh up who is likely to come out of the present situation best. ds, the little ones ,dgd and yourself Ss.


Way back when you 1st made up your mind to take on the little ones you were confident you were doing the right thing and would mange fine. A few days ago you said you would manage when ds left now you need him although he's constantly causing you stress,putting you into debt he will never repay.


Both feet on Terra Firma makes some good points re financial and emotional abuse. Like others I want to see you able to care for the 3 children and give them a secure and happy life but you have to let him go and sort himself out for that to happen. It sounds extreme but there are some elements of almost gaslighting and or Stockholm syndronme in the situation and it's not entirely one sided . You both seem to be locked in codependancy in a way that's not helping either of you.


I hope with the guardian and solicitor today you may gain some clarity on the way ahead.
polly

Savvy_sewing

A busy day, finally got the proposed SGO plan through when I was actually already in the Solicitor's office.
As I cannot get legal aid he cannot be at the hearing on Monday.
We discussed the two options available to me, between Fostering/care order and SGO. It really is better do us all if we have the SGO. I am ready for that, I see what they propose for me financially, ( which actually is about £22 a week less than I currently receive), although there was a discrepancy in their maths so we have addressed that.
The reason for allowing DS a little longer, is so that he can finish his license course and be able to apply for other supervisor roles, or live in Bar work, which would reduce the need for private rentals that he would not be accepted for at this time, or to be placed in a hostel where he would be vulnerable to or could be tempted to do drugs/smoke etc if he is suddenly removed from the home. It is still the plan for him to go but with a plan in place rather than just out the door.
This has been discussed thoroughly today with the court guardian, and then with the supervising Social Worker.
Both understand what and why I am saying it and believe I have a valid point. I will be talking with the children about Daddy looking for his own house (room), and how the boys will be here with me . I remember when I moved here I told Dgd that it would be her forever home. I may use that phrase with the boys.
I decided this morning to just do everything myself (except DS took Dgd to her school while I took the boys to their schools. Once her foot is healed then she will be able to walk to school, and I am already in the routine of getting up with them and doing the school etc
I am also the one who puts them to bed the majority of the time, and to be honest they go to bed better for me then they do their Dad.
I have no intention of bailing him out any further. As the rest of us are my priority. As said, he is 27 now and he needs to stop hanging on to me for everything.
The proposed supervision order for 12 months has been dropped as I am able to access help through the post adoption team.
The only thing left to verify is if the other Granny can have overnight stays or not, but the assessment on her has not been completed yet.

I think my jumbled thoughts lately are a bit of pre plan nerves, as it is a big commitment, which I had rejected originally.
But I will except DS to be seeking better employment and accommodation etc immediately and then he will be leaving the home. It is just up to the court to decide if he has to go or not by a set date.

I have also been sorting my final accounts etc for the accounting firm, and have a brief meeting with them after the school run tomorrow. Then I have a lot of sewing to do while I am able.
Dgs2 is liking nursery and he has taken to it like a duck to water.
After next week, everything will start to settle down and I will know exactly how much work I will be able to do, and I will fine tune my planner accordingly.
The wedding shop contacted me today and have taken a bunch of my cards. I have explained that my life is a bit different from when we spoke at the end of the summer, and I will be part time but I should still be able to help her with her overflow of work. She already has one other main Seamstress but it was getting too much for her.
So I don't think I will have to worry about not being able to earn a wage anymore.
And as with Dgd the funding is means tested so for every £ I earn more, the money will go down etc as do any tax credits that I get.

I may be in receipt of tax payers money, but I have put into the system all my life. So I am not going to be feeling guilty that I am entitled to help with these children.
It is not as if they pay me as much as other foster care workers and I will not be getting rich on the tax payers expense.
I wouldn't say that we are deprived of anything. We or I spend my money wisely and save it up for holidays and high days. But nobody has to go without.

pollyanna_26

Sounds like a worthwhile daySs. I was hoping you would get to know how things stand after your meetings, the trouble with waiting is you go through all sorts of what ifs in your head.


I did consider if ds could get bar work with live in acommodation as he did when he left the ex. However they're not so easy to get when others are looking for them too.


I agree with you re government money we pay into the pot as a matter of course and it can't be regarded as a handout. From this post you seem to plan to not be relying on ds . It's probably the best idea less upsetting and frustrating when he doesn't step up.


Hopedully he will move on and perhaps eventually learn to be less reliant on you in the future.


It does sound like a long day so I hope you sleep with no nightime disturbance or very early morning wake up call.
pollyxx

badmemory

Have you considered just how much money you are saving the government with what you are able to do for your grandchildren. You need to put at least one zero on the end of what you are costing them.


Is it possible that some of DGDs problems may be because she has become concerned about what she is going to come home to. She is used to you (& Biggest) as adults working & caring for their family members. She may feel that DSs behaviour is a little odd for an adult with children & it just may be unconciously causing her some concern.

Savvy_sewing

badmemory wrote: »

Have you considered just how much money you are saving the government with what you are able to do for your grandchildren. You need to put at least one zero on the end of what you are costing them.


Is it possible that some of DGDs problems may be because she has become concerned about what she is going to come home to. She is used to you (& Biggest) as adults working & caring for their family members. She may feel that DSs behaviour is a little odd for an adult with children & it just may be unconciously causing her some concern.

I am very concerned about Dgd.
I have a meeting at school today.
If I don't get the help in school then I will self refer to the post adoption team, as they will be quicker response than camhs.

Yes I am going to reduce and stop relying on DS to step up.

Savvy_sewing

I had a very productive meeting with the school, and I explained the family situation etc and how I feel it is impacting on Dgd. My worries about her etc.
They have started her talking with a councillor this week and are also going to get the school nurse involved, Dgd was brought in to the end of the meeting and we explained what we had discussed etc
She has been told about helping me as well as doing things for herself, and how it would benefit her if she kept her room tidy, as she would find things easier and that it would help her "tidy room, tidy mind".
The school have offered her an incentive of extra house points which can be used to buy all sorts of things at school from fruit to stationary.
The school are also going to refer the family to EHA I think they called it, as Dgd has now started going to them saying she is having panic attacks now.

I hope that we can continue to work together and help her, which will also help us here at home.

I have had a very intense few days and I was about to go out to my cabin and start sewing, but actually I need to recharge my self first.
I am going to have a cup of tea, something to eat and rest for an hour.

hb2

You certainly have had a tough few days Ss! Taking time to relax and recharge is important, both now and going forward.

I'm glad that GD is going to get help at school, especially as she is now getting panic attacks.

dreaming

I'm glad if the meetings are helping to clarify things. Even if it is not necessarily what you want for DS at least you can work towards things more easily if they are definite rather than being in limbo.
I just want to give a word of caution about what you are posting. I know how valuable you find this thread to put your thoughts down and help weigh up pros and cons (not looking to this forum to tell you what to do as other posters have suggested) but I'm concerned that you are slipping back to posting things that may not be looked upon in a good light by social services. Please be careful.
As to what Annandale said (about you wanting the forum to tell you what to do) I know that isn't true although people will post on here offering advice. Having been through similar problems that you have with DS I do offer my experiences as a means to a) know you are not alone in going through this; and b) maybe give you a slightly different perspective. However I also know (from my own experience) that all you can do is your best and I am sure there are other factors that we are not told about. I now have the benefit of hindsight to realise that I wasn't always able to make good decisions due to the head/heart conundrum and can see things I could have done better. Having said that I'm not sure I would do any different if the situation arose again.
Anyway, as I said I know it helps you to write things down on here but please be careful not to be too open, and please continue to take some time for you to sit quietly and get your thoughts in order.

Savvy_sewing

Thanks dreaming.
Your right, I have slipped back into old ways.
I will try to be more careful.
It is not my intention to cause issues, it is my pressure cooker letting off steam, and I just tend to write as I feel and think.

I have finished babysitting for Biggest and have come home. DS is not working again so I have left him to put the boys to bed, and come to lay down on my electric blanket as I did 7.4km walking between everything today and I am regretting it as I have ceased up now.
On a plus side Dgd has started to tidy her bedroom! Without an argument.
Long may she listen to her teacher!

I have some curtains coming in to be lined tomorrow, and I forgot to collect the lining from my Mums, so I will have to dash across to get it as soon as the customer has been and get back to sew them as it is a same day turnaround required.
I am a glutton for punishment!
I also didn't manage to get to the accountant so have to fit that little gem in tomorrow too.
Will I ever be organised!! ?

Savvy_sewing

Another 5.15am wake up and unfortunately both were awake within minutes. So an hour of trying to distract them and keep them from waking up the rest of the household.
I have a single duvet cover full of dirty clothes that Dgd dug out of the abyss of her room as she started to clear her room last night. Guess what I will be doing between sewing jobs today and tomorrow then.
I asked DS to wash up as said it wasn't fair to except Dgd to do it when we were not here to eat it, and she was attacking her own room.
Unless he miraculously wakes up and does it in the next few minutes all he has done is stack them on top of the cooker so the sink is clear!
I dreamt last night that I had an argument with him and gave him 24 hours to get out. So it shows how my subconscious is going.
My patience is running out.