Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

hb2

Ss, I'm glad you managed to have some enjoyable time with your mum and your friend, carving out a bit of 'me time' is going to be vital to your ongoing mental well-being.

I agree that dad should be having the boys in the mornings if he isn't at work, make the most of him while he is still with you!

I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

Savvy_sewing

Just waiting for the boys to be returned. I actually dropped them off at the other Nanny 's house as she was running late and Dgd and I were going to the cinema. We got there with 2 minutes to spare.

We watched Spies in Disguise. Dgd and I had a good time.
I bought a meal deal for our evening meal.
I have enjoyed the time out.
I am going to have a busy week next week with masses of sewing, several meetings and of course court.
So all respite and time out I can get at the moment I am taking it while I can.

badmemory

Siblings pick up feelings from one another. I think what you are dealing with is 3 siblings in fact if not in reality. DGD is showing signs of stress, DGS2 whilst OK 1 to 1 seems to show signs when DGS1 is around. It seems to me that they are "catching it" from one another. The cause would appear to be their adult sibling DS (call him that not a parent). He is causing total confusion so they don't know where they are. You are after all parenting all 4 of them! Kids need to know where they are & what the rules are.

pollyanna_26

badmemory wrote: »

Siblings pick up feelings from one another. I think what you are dealing with is 3 siblings in fact if not in reality. DGD is showing signs of stress, DGS2 whilst OK 1 to 1 seems to show signs when DGS1 is around. It seems to me that they are "catching it" from one another. The cause would appear to be their adult sibling DS (call him that not a parent). He is causing total confusion so they don't know where they are. You are after all parenting all 4 of them! Kids need to know where they are & what the rules are.[/QUOTE)


I mentioned a few days ago you seem to be parenting 4 children at times Ss. bad memory has some good points. DS is the elephant in the room at times. Children learn by example and at times he gets away with poor behaviour. It confuses them re who are the grownups and who aren't.


I know dgd is struggling but we all spoke here a while ago about how we taught our youngsters to have everything ready for school the night before so it was just pick up and go the next morning.


Her bag, shoes etc could be ready in the hall ready for morning. It's easier to stand over her if need be to make sure they are. It's not for you to do she needs to do it herself.


Taking her to the cinema after she was late for school , couldn't find her shoes etc the day before sends a very mixed message. It's a treat in her eyes. She'd have been better doing something about her room and finding a place for her school shoes so she knows where they are.


Once all the meetings, court etc are over you need to really put the pressure on school. The head teacher at dds school denied bullying existed in his school although a lot of other children were also being bullied. When camhs were involved they were pretty useless and made matters worse. That's why dd was home schooled.


You need to be very firm when contact is being sorted . Once more you've done what the other Nannie should have done and rather than her collecting the boys on time you've enabled her and taken them to her because she was running late. It's her job to collect on time not yours to take them.


A while back someone here said we teach people how to treat us. In the present situation everyone is learning they can use and manipulate you to suit their wants and needs . That's not helpful for them or you. I know everything is busy at the moment but you need to toughen up. The more this happens the more it becomes the norm.

pollyx

Molly41

With respect I think it is very important that DGD has quality time with Granny and visa versa x

essex123456

I agree, DGD needs love and support not telling off for struggling to get organised in the morning, the panic attacks at school and school suggesting counselling is worrying, its incredibly common for girls to SH and probably the number 1 reason why school refer them to counselling, not saying it is in this case but something to be on the lookout for.

There's a book called The Parents Toolkit which is like life coaching for kids, helping them to handle problems at school and at home, might be worth a look.

NeilCr

pollyanna_26 wrote: »

badmemory wrote: »

Siblings pick up feelings from one another. I think what you are dealing with is 3 siblings in fact if not in reality. DGD is showing signs of stress, DGS2 whilst OK 1 to 1 seems to show signs when DGS1 is around. It seems to me that they are "catching it" from one another. The cause would appear to be their adult sibling DS (call him that not a parent). He is causing total confusion so they don't know where they are. You are after all parenting all 4 of them! Kids need to know where they are & what the rules are.[/QUOTE)


I mentioned a few days ago you seem to be parenting 4 children at times Ss. bad memory has some good points. DS is the elephant in the room at times. Children learn by example and at times he gets away with poor behaviour. It confuses them re who are the grownups and who aren't.


I know dgd is struggling but we all spoke here a while ago about how we taught our youngsters to have everything ready for school the night before so it was just pick up and go the next morning.


Her bag, shoes etc could be ready in the hall ready for morning. It's easier to stand over her if need be to make sure they are. It's not for you to do she needs to do it herself.


Taking her to the cinema after she was late for school , couldn't find her shoes etc the day before sends a very mixed message. It's a treat in her eyes. She'd have been better doing something about her room and finding a place for her school shoes so she knows where they are.


Once all the meetings, court etc are over you need to really put the pressure on school. The head teacher at dds school denied bullying existed in his school although a lot of other children were also being bullied. When camhs were involved they were pretty useless and made matters worse. That's why dd was home schooled.


You need to be very firm when contact is being sorted . Once more you've done what the other Nannie should have done and rather than her collecting the boys on time you've enabled her and taken them to her because she was running late. It's her job to collect on time not yours to take them.


A while back someone here said we teach people how to treat us. In the present situation everyone is learning they can use and manipulate you to suit their wants and needs . That's not helpful for them or you. I know everything is busy at the moment but you need to toughen up. The more this happens the more it becomes the norm.

pollyx

Mostly yes - but....

:o

I agree about toughening up, As well as having her granddaughter permanently my partner often looks after one or more of another son's four sons. To be honest when they are with their parents they are pretty loud and rowdy (in a nice way). There is a lot of competing for attention. When they are with my partner they are different kids. She quietens them down and they know the lines not to cross. She says children need boundaries

Contact. The granddaughters mother and other grandmother can be very lax on times and picking up etc. In an ideal world - yes - they should be more organised and on time. In our case, however, it is usual that we are going out after the hand over of child. So, the pragmatic thing for my partner is to go out of her way to take the granddaughter so we can get on with our day. It's irritating but - probably less irritating than sitting there not knowing exactly when they are going to turn up

We've said it before but much of this is about organisation and routine. Obviously, no situation is the same but getting the rules known by everyone (!) does help.

I, really, hope you sort this out ss. Feels like a lot of your chasing your own tail going on

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

I have been reading along and I have to say I do agree with others treats should be used as a reward not as a given I do wonder if DGD is actually being bullied having panic attacks (is this something most 12 /13 year old girls know about ) or is this a suggestion ? I did wonder if maybe it was attention seeking as she knows she will get extra attention/treats I am not saying it is but children can be manipulative and know what buttons to press and if they see that something is working they will use this to their advantage. DS is s taking your time , patience as well as having tears and tantrums/sickness when he doesnt want to deal /hear things . You need to be focused on shaping these children lives to ensure they have a balanced outlook and can become fully functioning adults as i say maybe something else to consider I am not saying i am right but hey who knows what goes on in any teens mind x

pollyanna_26

At no point did I suggest dgd needed telling off rather than love and support. I don't believe she's faking things . I've recognised a lot of things similar to my own dds struggles with school and life in general.


I probably phrased things badly. If you look at the time I posted it may give a clue. Three nights without sleep for us with what I suspect is the onset of flu.


We seldom know whether various suggestions are implemented and do or don't prove useful. Small strategies can help take some anxiety out of the day ahead. It's obvious dgd needs proper assessing and support from services. From childhood until a few years ago the help worsened things for my dd
rather than improved matters. One wrong diagnosis at the age of 13 meant she never could "Be Aspergers" however hard she tried. She's a different girl now. Borderline Personality Disorder is a hard diagnosis but with the right tools can be managed .


I truly hope dgd gets all the support needed but services are under so much pressure and cuts are happpening that it may be hard or involve a lot of waiting to see results.
polly

BrassicWoman

So easy to judge from the outside. So difficult to live on the inside.