Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    Good mornung Ss. It sounds like a terribly fraught start to the day for you. The sooner things can be under your house rules the better for all concerned. DS is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard! How anyone can slumber on through that defies belief.


    You're right to limit the gadgets. I can't believe how very young childern are so caught up in them. They need to be using their imagination rather than staring at screens. If they're awake early a book is a more relaxing start to the day. I believe young minds are overstimulated with all the flashing images etc.


    Something I wonder is why safety gates are so easy to open. They don't seem to have advanced much in over 40 years. DGS1 needs to learn opening them is a big no with penalties if he does so. I'm a strong believer in the reward charts which kept us teachers semi sane over the years. It's probably considered unfair nowadays under some rule but a little healthy competition worked wonders. A certain no of stars could be a trip to the park which has the advantage of running off surplus energy. That's something DS could be doing while he's around rather than take them to someones house no doubt for more xbox time for him.


    Hold on to your patience. Once grannies rule can be enforced without other irritations intruding things should be on a more even keel.


    I hope you managed to find your glasses and DGD is ok with school this morning. I know you've got a challenging week ahead but hopefully it will be a turning point and life will be calmer. It will be down to DS to pull himself together or continue as he has been. At least it shouldn't impact on your daily life as it has over the years.


    I'm going to finish my porridge, it's another cold and frosty morning here. We need to go out so a big coat day. Thank you to everyone who posted last night. Will read through properly later. Have a good day all.
    pollyx
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    Something I wonder is why safety gates are so easy to open.

    Really!

    Can you teach me the trick please?

    I can never get through the one in my partner's son's house!

    :rotfl::rotfl:
  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    We're on the third type of gate, and he can do them all. It took him about 3 weeks to sort the previous one out, but this one about two days. Unfortunately they only need to see us doing it And they will know.

    DS is definitely not on the ball. I took dgs1 to breakfast club this morning and told him that he had to keep an eye on the pasta I had on for Dgds packed lunch while I went. Big mistake as I was called into the office about something else and by the time I got home it was burning away quite merrily. So I had to give Dgd money for lunch, and at the moment I am trying to see if borax will clean the pan or if it is a write off.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • hb2hb2 Forumite
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    Ss, you must have the patience of a saint! Mine would be very hard pressed by screaming children and would snap at coming home to a burnt pan and DS doing nothing
    It's not difficult!
    'Wander' - to walk or move in a leisurely manner.
    'Wonder' - to feel curious.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    Think I might have been tempted to have "crowned" DS with a panful of burnt pasta!

    He is definitely taking something again, SS, if his hearing fails to hear his own screaming children and his sense of smell misses the burning pasta.
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    If you haven't managed to sort the pan out Ss it's worth trying putting warm water, baking soda ( bicarbonate of soda in the baking aisle) and if needed some vinegar in it and heating it .


    Somrthing really useful to have is a pack of 3 All purpose silver scourers from Wilkos. I've been using them for years and you can clean pretty well anything without scratching as long as you use them wet.


    I first tried them for washing up and couldn't believe how much quicker it was for normal dishes and gungy , greasy pans, roasting tins etc. I use them in the bathroom in the kitchen on upvc windows and doors and loads of things. If you have a shop you're better buying them there. There was an issue last year when the online orders were for an inferior product and I'm not sure if that still applies.


    When they're past their best I use them outdoors to clean plant pots and outdoor surfaces etc. All the offspring use them too. I gave a pack to dds boyfriend last year and he's now a fan. We call them scrubby things.


    If the pan is a write off ds owes you a pan and some pasta. Don't let him away with this it's the second time in a few weeks it's happenened and totally unacceptable


    I'm not one to act on impulse but if someone behaved like that here the flippin' xbox would have been hurled into the bin and I'd have pushed him out of the door with a dripping wet mop at his back. It would be worth cleaning up the mess afterwards.


    You can't keep tolerating this , all the self care in the world wont guard your mental and physical health while you,re dealing with his actions and non actions.


    No one can sleep through screaming. He may claim he's tired through working well most people work one way or another whether in employment or at home doing everything needed there.


    Please harden your heart. Your broken nights and early morning battles are a result of his and the exs failures to care for their children. The rows and behaviour gs1 witnessed when they were changing over work shifts and goodness knows what happened behind closed doors have led to a child who's seen and heard too much. Wandering outside while mum and dad were crashed out, police ,ss and foster carers dad living with him then gone dad back again mum introducing a new daddie, his daddie with a new gf it's all too much for a little boy.


    What happened this morning was gs1 testing you. He's not aware he's doing it but he's been let down so often he's not secure that you wont abandon him too.so he pushes you to see if you'll give up too at some point. My youngest did it with me all the time. I understood why due to all the years the help she needed wasn't forthcoming. After the intensive counselling and the correct diagnosis and the introduction of Superdocs health team she finally talked about it one day admitting she always feared I'd abandon her becaise everyone had in the past. There is every hope for your little lad but the sooner ds shifts his backside and moves out the better.


    Tired,hungover or whatever he needs to get on with it.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • edited 20 January 2020 at 8:37PM
    essex123456essex123456 Forumite
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    edited 20 January 2020 at 8:37PM
    I hate to be the one to say this SS but you can't afford to be paying off DS's debts - the money that you're using is meant to be spent on DGD or the two boys or yourself.

    Also if DS is making unwise decisions don't you need him to move out sooner rather than later to avoid any concern from outside agencies.

    Finally it sounds like DGD is going through a really tough time, its a tough age and I hope things improve soon for her.
  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    Dgd seems to be in a slightly better place today. Although she said she had two panic attacks at school. I will be talking to the school about that on Wednesday.
    I have had a busy afternoon dealing with phone calls and queries as court case looms large.
    I ended up with 35 minutes to leave my Mums, get the shopping, drop it back at hers and be on time to collect the boys. I did it with 1minute to spare.
    DS is not working tonight so he is on bedtime duty for now, and I have come up to my room.
    I am hoping that I can play catch-up on some tv on my phone. I would have said kindle but dgs1 broke the screw a few weeks ago.
    That's two gadgets broken so wonder what number 3 is going to be?

    There are pros and cons with DS living here. At least I know he is fed, clean and going to work when he has shifts. He is just not reliable in the morning.
    Dgd loves her uncle and doesn't want him to go, it really upset her when I mentioned it. But I agree that he is not perfect and there are definitely times when that broom up the proverbial comes to mind.
    However I think the deadline is not feasible.
    I think accommodations and debts all need to be sorted or addressed (pardon the terminology), before he leaves.
    I do agree he cannot live here forever, he would drive me nuts.
    But there needs to be a strategic exit plan so the children are not going to be traumatised all over again.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    So, SS, what is DS' strategic plan? He has to be the person to implement it, if it is to work - not you, my dear :-( And I doubt that the authorities will be quick to come forward to help him. He needs to ask for help himself - not you.

    It may be that he has to reach absolute rock bottom, and find himself on the street before he realises that how he lives or dies is up to himself. I know that this is harsh - but he is killing you as things are.

    Of course DGD loves her uncle - but she is at the age when she should realise that everyone has to be responsible for their lives, and the more that she sees you sheltering him, feeding him, getting him up for work in clean clothes etc etc etc, she will not learn this lesson for herself :-(

    I hate sounding so negative - you are doing a fantastic job with the little ones and I know that you can do it. xxx
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    I know dgd loves her uncle but apart from the school issues he and the ex are part of her problems. He's brought the worries and the memories of her other two little boys into her life again..


    There are 40 days before his date to be out (it's a leap year) already after all that's happened you are shifting your thoughts from firm to wavering to the point it sounds you want him to be allowed longer.


    Without starting all over again that can't happen. If the 1st of March is the date he needs to be gone you can't argue it. That has been decided upon for a reason.


    The whole sorting the debts, sorting his life etc has gone on and on without much in the way of progress. GS1 is using his dad as a role model , GS2 is copying his brother and DGD is caught up in all the emotion.


    If he can't keep himself and his clothes clean, feed himself and turn up for work without you needing to be around he's in trouble.


    You're sending mixed messages to him. Look back a few posts to where you were seeing the positives in not having him in the house and being able to get life back on course. You aren't being logical now. You're on the brink of the court case trying to move the goal posts, things don't work that way.


    Not being harsh just realistic.
    polly
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
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