Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism 5 January 2020 at 6:27PM edited 30 November -1 at 12:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 1.8K replies 466.2K views

trix-a-belle

Savvy_sewing wrote: »

Dgs2 has some settling in time at Nursery tomorrow, unfortunately it's the exact time he is usually sleeping, so that's going to prove a challenge.

SS,
given Dgs2's early starts these days perhaps he no longer needs naps during the day & should be kept awake so he sleeps longer overnight? (not got kids myself so apologies, its just my observation based on the disruption his early starts are causing you)

i'm astounded at DS, even if hes seemingly not listening keep having your side of the conversation if you have the time, even if you have to repeat it like a broken record

I hope Dgd's foot is improving, great to hear she is getting out a bit with friends

surveyqueenuk

Savvy_sewing wrote: »

a strong resolve to get to the bottom of what the heck DS is doing with his money etc.

Oh Savvy, a strong resolve is not needed is it? I think, deep down, you already know the answer to this one.

To me, it seems you're in a never-ending circle, he takes the p, you put your foot down and things change for a few weeks. Gradually, he slips back to the point you're at now. So you will put your foot down and so it goes...

pollyanna_26

Savvy_sewing wrote: »

I am getting seriously miffed with him at the moment.
I tried to talk to him today but he wasn't listening he just sat with his head in his hands.
I can definitely see me telling him to go after the court case, if he doesn't communicate properly with me about debts etc.
Another one I didn't know about came through the door today, and they are taking him to court. I asked some questions but he said he couldn't focus on it he was too dizzy! I was on my way out so he was lucky or I might have erupted there and then.
Dgs2 has some settling in time at Nursery tomorrow, unfortunately it's the exact time he is usually sleeping, so that's going to prove a challenge.
I am already in bed and about to turn out the lights as I have been a rather out of sorts bunny all day, and I hope that tomorrow I will wake up with a bit more of a spring to my step and a strong resolve to get to the bottom of what the heck DS is doing with his money etc.
It's definitely foot down time, and an agenda on his debts to repay me as well as who ever else is in the woodwork.

Here's hoping for a decent sleep and a better day tomorrow.
Night.

I hope you've managed to sleep now. I'm shocked to read your recent posts re ds. Along with you having the power to change your reactions to various events you have the power to say Enough loud and clear and tell him to leave.


I'm afraid it does sound as though he may be back to his old ways. The signs are pointing that way. Everytime you pick up the slack you enable his attitude and he will never tackle important stuff while you do it.


I personally would not be "lending" him any money whether for the car repairs or anything else. You said the other day you are worrying about your overdraft and trying to cut back. Everytime you bail him out you're sending the message that the bank of mum will make everything right and he will never feel responsability for money matters.


Personally with his current behaviour and accident track record he doesn't sound safe behind the wheel with or without chidren in the car or regarding other drivers and pedestrians.


I dread to think how his behaviour at home is impacting on you all. DGD is old enough to know the atmosphere alters when he's around and the little ones aren't being cared for when he's in charge.


I don't mean to be harsh but BGK and show him the door. Everytime you start moving forward he pulls you down again. It isn't fair,right or healthy for any of you.


We've discussed all the things he could do but he doesn't seem to follow things through. Bursting into tears or holding his head in his hands solves nothing. I remember his tearful messages from the wendy house when you were away on what you believed at the time was your last good holiday for many years. You need to look after your physical and mental wellbeing and you haven't a chance of doing that with him under the roof.


Take care and I hope you get to visit your friend and all goes well at nursery. They're used to chldren and their nap times and will cope with that.
pollyx

ognum

I dont post often but do read as you know so cannot be included in the list of many online advisors you have but would just like to make an observation and of course this is only based on what you have written.

You are in a difficult position with your son. I believe from what you have written that you would find it very difficult to manage to parent the children without him being there.

You almost on a daily basis write that you have l left the children in his care while you work, rest, sleep, visit. There is nothing at all wrong with that but if you make an official or even unofficial report to social services that may as before say he has to leave and you would be left to do the care alone and from what you have written I dont believe you would be able to manage.

It is almost like you are stuck it's hard if you rock the boat, harder if you dont. I have no advise, it's easy on paper to say do this or that but you are on the ground.

Maybe be more buisness like, a weekly meeting with you son to discuss rota for childcare, cooking, cleaning and a list of jobs for each of you. Get him to set up alerts on his phone, I'm sure he has one of those. Review the previous week, set new goals for the next.

I can feel that the state of his previous phone was not all due to his ex if his behaviour now is an example.

I feel for you but it feels like you have accepted how he is.

hb2

Ss, I also remember that the reason you wanted Ds to stay was so that he could take on more of the care for his children. Only you can say whether the advantages of having him there outweigh the disadvantages. However, it looks as if something will have to change as the current situation is surely unsustainable

beanielou

I would be worried about what your DS is spending his money on.
I hope that he pays you board.

Savvy_sewing

It is late
I have read every thing.
Actually I agree with so much.
I went out with one of my girl friends this evening and had a good long chat. I am tired now so will respond tomorrow.
Thankyou everyone.
Such valid points.

Savvy_sewing

trix-a-belle wrote: »

SS,
given Dgs2's early starts these days perhaps he no longer needs naps during the day & should be kept awake so he sleeps longer overnight? (not got kids myself so apologies, its just my observation based on the disruption his early starts are causing you)

Dgs2 starts Nursery today so I think his naps will be curtailed somewhat moving forward. Which probably help.
i'm astounded at DS, even if hes seemingly not listening keep having your side of the conversation if you have the time, even if you have to repeat it like a broken record
I was upset still yesterday morning and I was talking to Biggest about DS and that I was having trouble getting DGD to get up etc, and she decided to come over yesterday and talk to them both, except with DS it became a full blown argument that I could hear in my cabin.
It certainly got issues out in the open, and dg went to school for the rest of the day.
She miraculously listened to Biggest and went with just her walking boot and left her crutches behind. She admitted later that it was easier. She even came to Biggest's house to babysit with me.
I hope Dgd's foot is improving, great to hear she is getting out a bit with friends

So it was a turning point for us, and I must follow through and not let them use me as much.

Savvy_sewing

A late night and the usual 5.10 wake up. I brought Dgs2 into my bed with his milk but he didn't go back to sleep , he just sang Head and shoulders, knees and toes with my teddy, and then proceeded to tickle me. He looks so cute when he's giggling etc. At least he's not the screaming demon in the morning.
He has Nursery today, so I have to remember to make two pack ups today.
We have been allocated a new social worker who is coming around this afternoon after school to meet us. With any luck this one will stay a bit longer.
DS has the dentist this afternoon and hopefully that will help him moving forward. He is rather subdued after yesterday's ruckus but I am staying strong and will follow through with getting to the bottom of things.
Dgd will be going to school, and DS is going to have to help in getting either or to their school as they are all in different directions.
At least he is awake this morning and while I am drinking my tea and writing this he is actually getting the boys dressed.

Ognum, I sometimes think that I am just better doing things myself, but I was hoping that he would step up to the mark. But it doesn't look like it is possible.
Certainly not unless I have a boot up his proverbial.
Got to go , get everyone sorted.

hb2

Stay strong Ss, nothing will change unless you do!