Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism 5 January at 7:27PM edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 906 replies 216.7K views

WabbitWabbit

I am sorry but this is not the way things are meant to be and where has the 'we are all in this together'? Teachers have given up their Easter holidays to be there for children of key workers and I am sure that places are limited before and after the Easter break. Your grandchildren have a father living with them who is not working or doing anything at all, he should be caring for his own children himself and not expecting for others to do it and especially during the Easter holidays when schools are normally closed. Many single parents look after and care for their children as well as working. Your son even when working spent his wages on himself...he did not pay off any debts or contribute anything towards the household.
I do feel so sorry for your granddaughter, her one to one care has gone at a very difficult time in her life and she needs you so much, often just to talk over her worries. She now is expected to help look after her cousins and the male role model in her life sits and plays computer games all day.
I do think he needs to leave your home, money that is meant to be there for your 3 grandchildren is being spent on his food and utility costs. He is really not interested in his own children or he would have stepped up to the plate each time you were ill...he never has even with you having to constantly remind him.
I do think you are ill on a regular basis and yes I know it is not your fault but are you really going to look after your grandchildren for the long run?  Looking forward, in ten years time are you really going to be able to handle two adolescent boys?
Those two little boys are not going to be getting the best  start in life that they deserve. They need  love, stability and security of family life with lots of individual time, understanding and support and I just can't see that they are going to get this....I feel you are just too tired most of the time.
You granddaughter is going to need you so much over the next years, she will need lots of guidance and support and I just don't think you are going to be able to offer her this if the two boys remain with you.

pollyanna_26

thorsoak said:

Give them a daily list - from DGD2 getting up and needing a drink (and needing to be washed and dressed, and bed checked) through making breakfast for everyone - and making a tray for you.  Washing up after breakfast, clearing and cleaning the kitchen, putting out the rubbish, puttting on load of washing, clear the living room.   Clean the bathroom.   Hang washing out.  ........and so on!    Go back to absolute basics - and tell them that they absolutely HAVE to do it.

I agree with thorsoak but add bring the washing back in to the list. Clear insructions they can tick off if you can use your right hand may help.

Welll done on the buttons we're fundraising here at the moment for the fabrics for PPE. All checking our machines and ready to go. It's something I know you'd be finding some time to do Ss but with your hand not possible. The buttons will be welcome. Sewers around the uk are joining together to get the protection needed to those on the frontline. I've also seen people making visors in their garden sheds and homes.

pollyx.

thorsoak

How do you know that DS is not paying for his food?    We don't.   I do believe that life would be easier if DS were not living in the same house - but at the moment his support is necessary - even if he does have to have a kick up the backside to get him going.     DGD is now 12, and is not too young to accept a certain amount of responsibility - of course she will need guidance and support, but she can gain confidence as she enjoys helping with the boys and this can strengthen her bond with Ss   Whilst I agree that these two little boys may not have had the best start in life, Mooloo has stepped up to the plate and taken them on.  They are classified as vulnerable, and, as such, are entitled to the places - which Ss has to pay for.    They do have love - and Ss is the stability in their little lives.  Would you think it better that Ss should give up on them - and have them to foster parents - and then from foster parent to foster parent?   That would, in reality be their future sadly. 
Ss did a lot of heart-searching before she took on this additional responsibility, and knows that the future is daunting but she has the courage to do the best that she can - which is more than a lot of us would do.  I do believe that life would be easier if DS were not living in the same house - but at the moment his support is necessary - even if he does have to have a kick up the backside to get him going.     
SS knows all of this already - she has made her decisions and I respect the decisions that she has made.   I wonder whether any of us would be as courageous as she has been.

pollyanna_26

WabbitWabbit said:

I am sorry but this is not the way things are meant to be and where has the 'we are all in this together'? Teachers have given up their Easter holidays to be there for children of key workers and I am sure that places are limited before and after the Easter break. Your grandchildren have a father living with them who is not working or doing anything at all, he should be caring for his own children himself and not expecting for others to do it and especially during the Easter holidays when schools are normally closed. Many single parents look after and care for their children as well as working. Your son even when working spent his wages on himself...he did not pay off any debts or contribute anything towards the household.
I do feel so sorry for your granddaughter, her one to one care has gone at a very difficult time in her life and she needs you so much, often just to talk over her worries. She now is expected to help look after her cousins and the male role model in her life sits and plays computer games all day.
I do think he needs to leave your home, money that is meant to be there for your 3 grandchildren is being spent on his food and utility costs. He is really not interested in his own children or he would have stepped up to the plate each time you were ill...he never has even with you having to constantly remind him.
I do think you are ill on a regular basis and yes I know it is not your fault but are you really going to look after your grandchildren for the long run?  Looking forward, in ten years time are you really going to be able to handle two adolescent boys?
Those two little boys are not going to be getting the best  start in life that they deserve. They need  love, stability and security of family life with lots of individual time, understanding and support and I just can't see that they are going to get this....I feel you are just too tired most of the time.
You granddaughter is going to need you so much over the next years, she will need lots of guidance and support and I just don't think you are going to be able to offer her this if the two boys remain with you.

Apologies in advance for quoting this post Ss if you have the poster blocked. However the history of removing posts is the reason.

Here we go again WabbitWabbiit Cometh the hour cometh the not needed post. As always I'm fully aware this is an open forum and anyone can post but your occasional visits are negative and not helpful, same old sme old.

I have no idea if you have children, grandchildren etc but you seem to have little idea of the cards fate hands out to many in differing ways. Everyone here will have been dealt a bad hand sometime or another. Ss has been dealt many bad cards. From time to time many of us shake our heads and try to point out solutions etc while being supportive to her.

There is no hint of understanding , kindness or helpfulness in your words just the usual .

If you read properly the little ones are classed as vulnerable, nursery will be open anyway and the care is already paid for.

Rome wasn't built in a day and it will take quite some time for the dynamics at home to change if it is possible.

Meanwhile remember " There but for Fortune go you and I " See if there is a useful way you can help someone in the present situation it might open your eyes and mind to the struggles of others.

polly

Savvy_Sue

Savvy_sewing said:

box red berry cereal, packet lasagna sheets, small tin mixed peas and carrots, tin baked beans, tin chicken soup, packet chocolate biscuits, pack breakfast bars, fresh cartilage custard, two bananas, two carrots and a parsnip.

What is cartilage custard? ???

pollyanna_26

Savvy_Sue said:

Savvy_sewing said:

box red berry cereal, packet lasagna sheets, small tin mixed peas and carrots, tin baked beans, tin chicken soup, packet chocolate biscuits, pack breakfast bars, fresh cartilage custard, two bananas, two carrots and a parsnip.

What is cartilage custard? ???

Probably a carton of custard. Predictive text again. Sleep tight all .

pollyx

Savvy_sewing

Savvy_Sue said:

Savvy_sewing said:

box red berry cereal, packet lasagna sheets, small tin mixed peas and carrots, tin baked beans, tin chicken soup, packet chocolate biscuits, pack breakfast bars, fresh cartilage custard, two bananas, two carrots and a parsnip.

What is cartilage custard? ???

Oops! Carton of fresh custard! Prediction text must have been in play and I didn't notice!!
red berry cereal for breakfast.
chicken soup for lunch.
stir fried carrots and parsnips with added peas? Served with the rice and banana and custard for pudding.
wonder if that would work! 

Not sure about the jar of mint sauce though..

seriously I realise that I am very lucky that the school have taken us under their wing and are calling us to see how we are, and arranged for the food parcel.

 I understand the the opinion of wabbitwabbit is their opinion. I get frustrated with DS as we all know. But if we are listening to the guideline he is not permitted to move at the moment even if he could.
He is not capable of looking after his children in the way you expect him too, or I would want and that is why the courts have awarded the children to me, after a very long and difficult assessment of everyone including the other side of the family and they have deemed othe boys are here.
 I would not say that a broken hand is being ill, just inconvenient, and lucky for me will not be forever.

anyone in their late 50's could find two small children challenging.  My health is actually a lot better than when Dgd came to live with me 10 1/2 years ago. 

I am grateful for the improved health and I do my best to look after my health, unfortunately the stress took its toll this last year and it means I have been susceptible to the winter bugs.
but I am growing stronger, I wouldn't underestimate me, my friend, I am a very strong woman really. 

The boys are classed as looked after, and they are entitled to attend the education system, I kept them home when DGs1 started with a cough, as is protocol, but he has been 21 days in isolation here and he is safe now to return.
 I have paid £28 a day for each of them to go to the holiday club because they need structure and routine, many autistic children require their routine and Dgs1 is one of them, that is why he has a 1.1 teacher in school.

perhaps I should keep my feelings and frustration to myself, but I have found that writing things down and chatting with my virtual friends ( and some real friends) here for the last 13 years has been my safety valve.
it is better for me to moan about things here, then get on and deal with them.
 I agree having other people's opinions helps me put things in perspective and also gives me strength to try to change the status quo here at times.

unfortunately I am aware of my failings and that I am not infallible. I am well aware that my judgement sometimes has people shouting at me, and trying to make me stronger and more determined to help me be stronger against DS or proactive with dgD. I do try, and sometimes I forget to report that I successfully got something done.
 I perhaps need to remember to point out that DS has cooked tea for the last three days without my having to ask.
that he has dressed and bathed the children and sat outside with them while they played on the trampoline and swings and slide. That he has started to build my bench out of my old broken bed, that he has finished off digging in compost into my new veg patch, and he erected my greenhouse and set up my Water butt. 

He has done all the shopping for both me and my Mum. 

Dgd has started to come out of her space and has been keeping me company and making mr cups of tea. Although she still needs some prompting to wash up more than once a day.
 I have always been a doer, so it is my fault that I tend to do things and just crack on. ( I am my own worst enemy here I know).

dS will probably never be able to lead, and think about more than one thing at a time, his heart is there, but his attention span is not. His ability to remember things is limited. 

I could do the lists, and use as prompts, but he is dyslexic and his reading and writing is limited.
 I don't want to rub it in by giving him a written list he will struggle to read and focus on, and don't want to draw pictures as that would only make him feel even worse.
 I have never said that he is not paying off his debts, he is slowly dealing with them but repaying me is at the bottom of the list, because I told him to deal with the other things first.
 I wouldn't say he is taking food from the mouths of his children or me, he hardly eats much and is as skinny as a rail. The electric bill is higher, but we are all on gadgets and things at different times of the day and night, mind you I do moan at the lights left on!
 The difference in DS since he came off the cannibis is palpable, and he is much much more grateful and thankful and loving. But you cannot see that. I can.
He talks with Dgd and helps with her. 

He is not perfect but he is not the devil incarnate either.

when my swelling goes down I will be able to reduce the pain killers and then I will not be so tired, and I will be able to do more things each day as I learn to use my right hand more.

there is always a positive if you look for it, believe in better and it will get better.

Molly41

Well said Moo as a real life friend I can echo all of your words - in particular that you are a very strong woman. You don't have to explain yourself and have every right to write on this thread  - indeed even Social Services don't have a problem. Stay safe my dearest friend and have as good a Easter as possible xx

elisamoose

If they are looked after surely they are entitled to free school at the moment? 

hb2

S_s, thank you for telling us the positives regarding your son. It is good to know that things are improving, for his sake as well as yours. Posting on here is a safe way of expressing your frustrations and you don't have to explain yourself to any of us, nevertheless it is nice to hear about progress being made

I wish everyone a safe and peaceful Easter.