Buffy takes it 6 months at a time

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

It really does feel so very frightening. 

It is tapping deeply into my grief  & sending my anxiety through the roof. There is so much sadness  it’s suffocating. 

Don’t forget to try and be kind to yourself, you have been through so much recently. 

 With regards to your room could you give yourself a long term goal of a) but for the short term deciding between  B &
C depending on which  would give you the most peace of mind/ comfort for now?
NS x

Buffythedebtslayer

thanks Northernsoul XX I might start with B and go from there. 
I had a lovely lie in this morning. Feel much better today. 
best get on XXXX 

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

Glad you got a lie in, which left you feeling better. I hope that feeling continued through your day 
NS x x

Buffythedebtslayer

NorthernSoulSouthernLife said:

Glad you got a lie in, which left you feeling better. I hope that feeling continued through your day 
NS x x

Today was a decent day. I think the doing of my room helped massively - thanks to your encouragement. I tend to be a bit all or nothing about stuff so you suggesting the middle ground to start with was good start. 
Sleep is eluding me. That maybe because I only just turned the TV off ( the Good Place again!!) and am still on here........
hmmm. 
Night all XXXX 

Buffythedebtslayer

Ugh so my lack of sleep basically ruined today. I could not get started on anything. Got an e mail from work, saying I hadn't finished something but can't log on to do it. That was stressful and to be honest I feel completely unsupported by work. I have e mailed two leadership people and got 0 reply. Ended up virtually passing out about 4pm and didn't wake up till 6pm. Walked the dogs for a while and then sorted the recycling. 
I need to keep reminding myself that it will be ok and that work in the sense of the stuff above doesn't matter. 
As I type this I am already in my nightie, just watching a Supernatural before bed. must get to bed early. or at least earlier. 
XX 

crazy_cat_lady

It's the Easter holidays - you shouldn't be expected to be working during your holidays unless you're actually going into the building to supervise children. I hate management that expect that you'll be working during your holiday.

Buffythedebtslayer

crazy_cat_lady said:

It's the Easter holidays - you shouldn't be expected to be working during your holidays unless you're actually going into the building to supervise children. I hate management that expect that you'll be working during your holiday.

It was something I didn't finish - or apparently even start before the end of term. I thought I had done it but to be honest that last week or so was so awful I don't actually remember saving it and I normally print things (SLT change grades) to prove what I put and can't find the print out. it was just a horrible stressful !!!!!! time. 

Buffythedebtslayer

Evening all, 
I made a list today and was pretty successful. Still napped this afternoon for 3 and a half hours............!!!! 
Shall make a list tomorrow too. Worried about some of my friends. 
But distracted myself by checking my money. I am doing ok. Better than ok. under normal circumstances I would be thrilled and I suppose I am in a way. 
XX

Buffythedebtslayer

So can't sleep. 
Which can mean tomorrow is ruined. 
But I am having deeper thoughts than just one day. There are so many what ifs. I need to settle on a plan for this time off. What did I want to achieve when I started this diary!
My original six month goals 
1. 5000 in savings (for the deposit, separate to the other savings - a tall order but I do have to get serious now) - currently I have 3659 in the ISA and a 1000 extra saved.  
2. A completely tidy house with a usable shed, all rooms with a purpose, all de-cluttered and organised. - This is a disaster. Definitely the worst it has ever been. 
3. Weigh 160 pounds - not possible by July but can make a start. 
4. A holiday planned. - not for this summer !!
5. Spent at least 6 nights away from home. - Nope!! 
6. Gone on 3 dates. Minimum. ermmm. Have been messaging guys! 
7. Run the 10 KM (Well walked it! but done it!) - Nope - I have walked for 30 minutes each day this week. aimed to do 4000 steps a day in April. I know it isn't a lot (and to be fair I do 5 or 6000), I am just not sure what is reasonable for me being so unfit. Plus I get really bored walking!! 
Really the only thing I am completely failing on is the house. hmmm. I need to make cocoa and go to bed. 
xxxxx

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

Today was a decent day. I think the doing of my room helped massively - thanks to your encouragement. I tend to be a bit all or nothing about stuff so you suggesting the middle ground to start with was good start. 

Sleep is eluding me. That maybe because I only just turned the TV off ( the Good Place again!!) and am still on here........
hmmm. 
Night all XXXX 

Glad making a start on your room helped some. I used to be an all or nothing kinda girl ( still am at heart) , but since the death of my husband I’ve come to realise I need to compromise on my own goals, or at least breakdown the steps to my goals into achievable parts so that I start to achieve something rather than nothing. Before I started this my mental health deteriorated so severely I was begging to be sectioned. I just felt like a complete failure at every turn. 
I try and aim for at least one ‘win’ every day ,but believe me in my life right now that often can just be ive got dressed today or I’ve had a shower , so I think you are doing amazingly 😊
sorry to read sleep alluding you too, afraid I have nothing to advise re that given I wonder around like a zombie most days.
Re your list of 6 months goals, so much has happened outside of your control it’s not surprising that you’re not where you want to be with them but you know with the stress you have been under I think you’re allowed to forgive yourself for that. Now might be a good time to decide whether you draw a line & still aim for the same outcomes or do things feel suitably different in life right now that you might like prioritise different things?  Try and remember you want to make reaching your ‘goal’ to feel positive not just at completion but on your journey there, it’s all to easy to beat ourselves up  along the way, but seriously Buffy your life is so full of everyone else’s needs / wants I think you fail to recognise how much you do achieve 
I hope today brings you some rest and relaxation, if you’re tired & chill out in front of tv or in the garden that really really is ok reframe how you look at it ... not a ruined day but some well deserved ‘time out’.
well enough waffle from me.

Gentle hugs xxx