Wedding etiquette- thanks for coming!

kathy206

iluvfreebies wrote: »

i GOT MARRIED IN CYPRUS IN AUG BUT HAD A PARTY WHEN WE CAME HOME - I HAD BOUGHT THANK YOU NOTES TO SNED STRAIGHT AWAY BUT HAVNT GOT AROUND TO IT - IS IT TOO LATE TO SEND THEM NOW? DONT WANT PPL TO THINK IM DAFT

No just send them. I'm sure your guests would appreciate it.

Dan_Thunder

Yup, I wouldn't write them in CAPITAL LETTERS though!

[Deleted User]

Internet etiquette note: Writing in ALL CAPITALS is seen as shouting

I'm rubbish at writing thank you cards; took me 2 months after my engagement party to get round to it. We did get a lot of tat and in some cases we'd have rather had nothing than the useless rubbish I've got stuck at the back of my shed now.

We've been living together in a house we bought a year ago, the wedding is in 6 months. I don't want more stuff in the house - i've already got most things I want.

Money will let us get the things you wouldn't normally ask for : double glazing, a weekend break.. I don't need any new pots and pans and NO MORE CHAMPAGNE FLUTES! I've got 12 already from engagement presents and most are in a box in the shed now.

It's not being ungrateful, but money is far more appreciated than a meaningless present picked from a list.

Badger_Lady

I just think it's unfair to expect acknowledgement. Yes, it is nice, and is appreciated when it happens, but I was brought up that you do favours for people (e.g. wedding gift) without expecting anything in return.

How many of us get p*ed off when someone posts on this forum: "If I've helped you, press my thankyou button" - you can't ask for thanks, it's rude. You just appreciate it if/when it happens.

Personally, I'm not a "card person" - I'm honest and polite and, according to my own values, that's enough. I have a good friend who is a "card person" and is offended if I ever fail to buy her a card when I "should"... I'd rather say "Happy Birthday" in person and buy her a drink! And I'll thank her for my gift at the time, not a month and £3.50 later.

As far as I'm concerned, a card / note / text message / email is a substitute that you send if you were unable to be present on the day. If you were there, and the couple getting married were there, and you spoke, there's no need for a card.

But it's still nice if they choose to send one. (They shouldn't feel pressurised to do so.)

Nicki

I think that a thank you note after a wedding is required I'm afraid, and I'm not an elderly dinosaur either! We went to a wedding of a husband's colleague in Spain last summer, so had to fork out for 2 flights, childcare for the children for a weekend, hotel bills, and a wedding gift, plus lose a day's holiday, and didn't get so much as a verbal thanks for coming from the happy couple, much less a thank you note. Our total costs were into 4 figures and I just don't believe that the happy couple spent that much per head on their guests even with a free bar!

A cousin of my husband got married a few months before us. We didn't get a thank you note from her for the gift, despite the fact we were penniless students at the time, so it cost us a lot in disposable income, and she didn't even bother to RSVP to our wedding invitation when it came (or send a gift to us) though she was a good ten years older and much more able to afford to do so than we were! I always remember her discourtesy when I see her even now 15 years later!

When we got married, it was a chore to do the notes, but I made sure I did do them, and get them all out within about 6 weeks of the wedding. I also made sure I sent thank you notes within a few days of the gifts after both my children were born, when I suspect I was busier than most newly weds are! Its not like the gifts come as a surprise on these set piece occasions, so surely it is easy to be pre-prepared with notecards and stamps in advance so that the job can be done quickly and easily.

belfastgirl23

I sort of agree with badgerlady on this one. Yes it is a nice gesture to send thank you notes but I'd only expect it as an acknowledgement of the gift if I hadn't seen the person. If I had seen them and been thanked in person (or by email etc) then I wouldn't feel they should send a note as well. Particularly not if they were someone I knew as a friend. I suppose though I expect friends not to feel they have to do the formal stuff with me....

then again I'm a grumpy old git who thinks it's all a load of nonsense anyway

butterfly72

I went to wedding in May and the couple asked for contributions towards the honeymoon. Everyone I know got them a pressy instead! At the wedding they didn't come to talk to us, left the brides granny sitting on her own.. (she joined our table) left the guests hungry and no one got a thank you card. I'm glad I didn't contribute to the holiday fund.

I think its plain manners to send a card... or a thankyou in some manner.. be it verbal, text, email. Its not hard is it!?

rachnbri

It's all a bit of a minefield really. I was brought up that you always send formal thank yous for gifts and as a child sent thank you cards or letters for Christmas, birthdays etc. However I've never had a thank you card for a wedding gift and neither has Bri. i bought some thank you cards after we got married and it genuinely hadn't occurred to Bri that we should send them - not because he has no manners - just because it was not something he was accustomed to.

In addition to that, when we got married we didn't send out a wedding list and made it clear to anyone who asked that we weren't bothered about gifts and didn't need anything. BUT most people who came to our wedding bought us a token gift and several people gave us cash, we were really grateful for these and it was a really kind thought, not a requirement of attending our wedding.

However, there were one or two of my friends who didn't even bother to send/give us a card and I unexpectedly found myself feeling quite affronted at this. After all we thought enough of them to invite them to our wedding and I wouldn't have thought it was a major expense to send us a card - we are making a kind of "memory book" with all our wedding cards etc and those that didn't bother to send a card were the same people who didn't bother to RSVP so it's a bit glaringly obvious that the people who made no effort were all my friends, as Brian's friends were all heartbreakingly generous. In a way it's made me question my relationship with people who I thought I was close to.

There was also one of our friends who was astoundingly rude at my wedding and made a point of hunting me out throughout the evening to tell me that she didn't like anything on the menu as she's a vegetarian who doesn't like peppers or mushrooms!! I can guarantee that the veggie option was good as I'm veggie myself!! But I can't cater for other people being fussy - and surely if you genuinely dislike everything on the menu at somebody else's wedding you don't harass the bride about the menu at her wedding - you keep your gob shut and get a bag of chips on the way home!

Any way - rant over - we had a wonderful wedding, but there are things that make you rethink your ideas about people you thought you liked!!

ailuro2

As a guest at a wedding, I always try and repay the cost of me being there as I have been brought up to. Pay your way and a little extra is the idea...


It makes me glad we went to Vegas and got married!:rolleyes:

The point of getting married is not to have a big party and expect the money back in gifts. If you're that money savvy then surely you'd spend the £17K on things you really want, and ignore everyone else who won't pay the hefty price to come along to YOUR wedding?;)

I'm glad I've not been to a wedding where I was expected to do this. Any wedding we go to we are there to celebrate the couple starting out in life as a married couple, not as a means of funding their big party. In the same vein I don't expect them to fork out for my new outfit for the wedding, hairdresser, travel costs etc. even though this can run into three figures...:rotfl:

To the original topic. Yes, it's rude not to send cards, when people make the effort and the expense to come share your happy day, it only takes a minute to send out a card or even a postcard to say thanks. Good Manners don't cost much.

sugababesfan

My hubby and I got married back in August & we really struggled with creating a wedding list - I didn't like to ask for anything from anyone, but our best friend suggested that a list would be the best thing to do as people were bound to want to buy us something to send us on our way, and instead of getting 10 toasters, a list would be far easier.

so after much deliberation we created a list at John Lewis, and 90% of the gifts were under £20.. which I thought was pretty good, unfortunately one of my friends didn't think so - she came up to me at work (after hassling me for a few weeks before hand asking when the list was going to become live as she wanted to be first to buy us something, even though she had the note with all the details with the invitation) and said 'I logged onto your list at the weekend - everythings so expensive'.. I walked away at that point, I was quite upset at her rudeness, so I can empathise with rachnbri about friends coming up to you and hassling you! incidentally this friend of mine never bothered to send me her reply either - she expected me to know for definite that she was coming..

And that reminds me - we had to chase up lots of people who didn't bother to send us their reply (even though they were pre-stamped!!) to tell us whether they were coming or not, which I found very rude!

On the other hand what surprised me the most was when we got back from honeymoon & we had a couple of 'thankyou for inviting us' cards from some of our guests - this was really lovely & totally unexpected!

so I guess what I'm getting at is that when it comes to weddings, good manners from both the guests (sending back their reply cards in good time) and the bride & groom (thankyou cards for gifts/joining us on our big day) go a long way: good manners don't cost anything!
:santa2: