Introducing someone too soon?

Comms69

Mojisola wrote: »

She hasn't really moved on - she's moved sideways. Until she deals with the hard stuff from her history, she's stuck - she may have a string of relationships, hoping that each new person will fix her but she's the only one who can do that.

Well put, thanks.

pickledonionspaceraider

Comms69 wrote: »

Thanks, and I know I cant actually fix things for her. I tried so very hard and I guess it just feels complex.


Like part of me wants to see her so very happy, part of me is a bit jealous, part of me is glad it's over, part of me feels like a let down, part of me is angry that she's moved on, but I haven't, part of me feels a bit betrayed if I'm being honest about it. It's all very mixed up. It's probably why I'm blowing so hot and cold


Thanks

To me (whether they are kids involved or not) I was never able to move on that quick - I needed time to process and not drag old baggage into a new relationship with me

That is what you are doing, you are in the processing stage. This is a good thing.

When you are ready, and meet someone, you will be free of this emotional baggage that you currently have (that most of us have when we finish a relationship)

You won't move on yet, cos you are not ready - but that is no bad thing Comms . If I were there Id give you a big hug

pickledonionspaceraider

Mojisola wrote: »

She hasn't really moved on - she's moved sideways. Until she deals with the hard stuff from her history, she's stuck - she may have a string of relationships, hoping that each new person will fix her but she's the only one who can do that.

Gosh that extremely well put

Comms69

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

To me (whether they are kids involved or not) I was never able to move on that quick - I needed time to process and not drag old baggage into a new relationship with me

That is what you are doing, you are in the processing stage. This is a good thing.

When you are ready, and meet someone, you will be free of this emotional baggage that you currently have (that most of us have when we finish a relationship)

You won't move on yet, cos you are not ready - but that is no bad thing Comms . If I were there Id give you a big hug

Ye I'm not jumping into anything at all. The thought of being with someone is actually quite scary - although that's literally the first time I've genuinely thought about how I'd feel. Been cheated on twice (as in two relationships, not per incident) and it was a real blow to the old self esteem.


I have good friends, I always get on well with pretty much everyone I meet. Probably what makes me good at my job. I guess I just end up questioning if I'm that different in a relationship, compared to public life.


I'm not naïve, I've thought about how I'd feel when she did meet someone - I thought I'd be angry, I thought I'd sad - I'm surprised how little I feel emotionally, despite my brain going 100mph! - it's the longest relationship either of us has had, I know I probably fell harder than she did.


I guess that is the processing stage


Aww thanks i'll accept a virtual hug!

pickledonionspaceraider

Being cheated on is awful. I was in a relationship with a scumbag who cheated on me, in a pretty awful way, really rubbed my face in it

It was coming up to xmas when it all came to a head rather dramatically, bit eastenders , and as a parting blow, he took the xmas presents I had carefully wrapped up for him under the tree

He really was a turd.

I never expected to meet anyone after that - but I met a lovely man and still feel like im punching above my weight

and I think that feeling comes from how low my self esteem got when turd cheated on me all those years ago

Comms69

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Being cheated on is awful. I was in a relationship with a scumbag who cheated on me, in a pretty awful way, really rubbed my face in it

It was coming up to xmas when it all came to a head rather dramatically, bit eastenders , and as a parting blow, he took the xmas presents I had carefully wrapped up for him under the tree

He really was a turd.

I never expected to meet anyone after that - but I met a lovely man and still feel like im punching above my weight

and I think that feeling comes from how low my self esteem got when turd cheated on me all those years ago

Sorry to hear that. I can definitely relate. Xmas is a tough time, and I guess it doesn't help with future Christmases and bad memories. Glad you've met someone better now


I left with literally nothing, though my ex thinks she bought everything so it's all hers anyway, despite me being the sole worker.


Here's one for you (MSE is great therapy, how much do I owe you? ) - so it was abit after my birthday, I noticed she was going out a lot and saying she was staying at a friends house who I kind of knew. But after the second or third time, to be honest I grew suspicious and I checked her phone (yes I know, but I had tried to talk to her about her being distant and got nothing) and saw a text from someone called "Bob New", and I realised that whatever this was, the fact it was 'new' number meant it had been a while. Subsequently she had me come and baby sit the kids whilst she went out with this guy.

miriamac

Comms69 wrote: »

...
I basically gave her the opportunity, said "look, I'm not bothered, it's your life, but if this is a potential partner who's going to be in my sons life, just be honest about it, I'm not angry, I just want things to be open", she said it wasn't. I left it at that. At the end of the day, i'll drive myself mad if I keep on about it, it's not something I can change.

...

Comms69 wrote: »

Yes I asked her calmly about it. I said "Boris mentioned that 'Ben' collected him from school. I don't mind if you've met someone, but is this someone who's in my child's life for the foreseeable, and if so can you tell me abit about it?"

Her response was that he's just a friend, is she not allowed to contact anyone; and hung up.

Comms69 wrote: »

...

If it's just a friend, then you can say that calmly. But the fact he's picked my child up from school. He was doing the family thing, ie watching TV, playing games, playing with the kids. It seems to be more than just friends. And in that case why not just say.

If it is just a friend, I can understand her getting annoyed at the question. But putting herself in my shoes, I'd like to think she could understand my position too.

These posts - and others - show very clearly that you have already decided that 'Ben' is more than a friend to your ex.

Your questions to her show that you have said as much to her.

Maybe 'Ben' is simply a friend.

Friends can also do some of the things you have described as 'family things'.

Imagine for a moment that 'Ben' is just a friend. Doing 'friend things'.

Your ex has told you - truthfully - that 'Ben' is just a friend. You have responded by asking her just to admit that 'Ben' is more than a friend.

Perhaps she'd like to think that you'd understand her position too.

Comms69

miriamac wrote: »

These posts - and others - show very clearly that you have already decided that 'Ben' is more than a friend to your ex.

Your questions to her show that you have said as much to her.

Maybe 'Ben' is simply a friend.

Friends can also do some of the things you have described as 'family things'.

Imagine for a moment that 'Ben' is just a friend. Doing 'friend things'.

Your ex has told you - truthfully - that 'Ben' is just a friend. You have responded by asking her just to admit that 'Ben' is more than a friend.

Perhaps she'd like to think that you'd understand her position too.

Perhaps. And I do appreciate that point of view.

I know I have predetermined the situation, and there is some validity in taking it at face value on what she says.

But equally I’ve known her for 9 years. It would be ‘nice’ to think that I’m wrong. In the sense it would be nice to think that she would be more respectful to how things could be perceived.

My point is, even if it is just a friend - which clearly I don’t think, but just for these purposes- is it not sensible to just let other parent know, to avoid confusion?

That aside, I do take the point that I may be wrong. HVing been lied to previously and for long periods of time, I can be wrong from timevtime in my interpretation

miriamac

Comms69 wrote: »

Perhaps. And I do appreciate that point of view.

I know I have predetermined the situation, and there is some validity in taking it at face value on what she says.

But equally I’ve known her for 9 years. It would be ‘nice’ to think that I’m wrong. In the sense it would be nice to think that she would be more respectful to how things could be perceived.

My point is, even if it is just a friend - which clearly I don’t think, but just for these purposes- is it not sensible to just let other parent know, to avoid confusion?

That aside, I do take the point that I may be wrong. HVing been lied to previously and for long periods of time, I can be wrong from timevtime in my interpretation

That depends on how she sees you.

You have given us your view of her, of your relationship with her, of her behaviour within that relationship, of her past relationships, of her past, of how she might have reacted to that past.

She might not share that view of her. She might have a different view of you too.

Comms69

miriamac wrote: »

That depends on how she sees you.

You have given us your view of her, of your relationship with her, of her behaviour within that relationship, of her past relationships, of her past, of how she might have reacted to that past.

She might not share that view of her. She might have a different view of you too.

Almost certainly. She blames me for absolutely everything that went wrong. To the point where I don’t know when I acted inappropriately and when I was fine.

That’s a fair point you make.