Introducing someone too soon?

Comms69

Dymphna60 wrote: »

Despite like many having been married, had children and divorced I don’t have an answer for your original question.
I do however think that you should maybe in the future not listen to your ‘ gut ‘ so much ?
It seems to have led you into a relationship with a woman who has assaulted you , been unfaithful to you and you now say is going to muck about over childcare .

That's fair, though I'd argue it was more the heart that led me there. But yes it was a mistake.

Comms69

gomer wrote: »

Im not sure if too soon is really the main issue. Are you sure you just don't feel easy at her having a boyfriend at all?

What i mean is does it really matter if she has a boyfriend as long as the child isn't being made to do the 'daddy' thing with him?

It's going to be pretty hard to have a boyfriend who will not encounter the kid for a set amount of months until it is no longer 'too soon'.

If your relationship with the child is no different & nobody is being encouraged to call the new boyfriend daddy etc, then is it really so bad that she has a boyfriend?

What if you got a girlfriend? Reverse scenarios? Will they not be allowed at your house when you have the kid? Ultimately how soon do you deem too soon? She's going to have a bf sooner or later & the kid will meet him sooner or later.

I admit, ye I feel something. Honestly not as much as I thought


Yes the biggest part is the someone else doing dad role, that does suck to me. Like I said just a heads up would've been nice.


But actually in terms of reverse scenarios, I wouldn't introduce someone to my child before what I thought appropriate, and I think that's 6 months+

Comms69

Gycraig wrote: »

It might be nothing, would you be so bothered if her friend Sarah had picked him up from school?.

As long as it's not a "this is your new step dad" type of thing what is the difference between that and you bringing a guy friend round when the kid is in the house

I think that's a little different. And I think you know that. Not being funny, because I do appreciate you took the time to answer.


This isn't a long standing friend. And whilst I agree people can be friends with opposite genders, no issues there. There's the reality that, even if it's just friends, my son will mention it and a decent parent gives a heads up.

hazyjo

My old best schoolmate split with her husband donkey's years ago. Got one son. She was always ADAMANT (and a bit preachy if I'm honest) saying she would NEVER introduce anyone until after a year. Would have been annoyed if the ex did too. Wanted to meet her first (yada yada...).


Around 5 years later, she did meet someone we used to know from school many moons ago. Bit of a whirlwind thing. (Turns out he was still married but that's another story lol.) She was introducing her son pretty much immediately and certainly not involving her ex.


All good intentions go out the window when love/sex/feelings/newness of a relationship first starts.


I also do people do get defensive or cagey when there's something they think/know their ex will find fault with. (Married, or not working, or looking a certain way - you know the sort of thing.) So there may be something she's a bit cautious of.


Best course of action? Ignore. Don't even mention it. Keep it short and factual/necessary.


I doubt your ex's 'friend' (or whatever he's known as) will have much impact on your 7 year old. He prob doesn't understand or want to know about 'intimacy'. He wasn't being secretive when he mentioned him to you, so it's not like he's uncomfortable about it or sees it as wrong in any way.


Good luck

pickledonionspaceraider

Just try to relax Comms

All this anxiety is going to do your head in otherwise

I know its hard

Maybe impossible.

Too many emotions going on in ones head at once and a lot of concern for your child

gomer

Comms69 wrote: »

I admit, ye I feel something. Honestly not as much as I thought


Yes the biggest part is the someone else doing dad role, that does suck to me. Like I said just a heads up would've been nice.


But actually in terms of reverse scenarios, I wouldn't introduce someone to my child before what I thought appropriate, and I think that's 6 months+

Thats fair enough, but bare in mind it wouldn't be fair to expect the wife to adhere to what you consider to be too soon. As much as it might smart a bit she's entitled to move on with her life at her pace.

Of course you are going to want ho know the extent of the boyfriend's interaction but as long as the 'daddy' thing is not being imposed on the child i think youre just going to have to try and accept this.

Some people move on quickly. I do myself.

Comms69

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Just try to relax Comms

All this anxiety is going to do your head in otherwise

I know its hard

Maybe impossible.

Too many emotions going on in ones head at once and a lot of concern for your child

Ye I'm trying. You're right, it's hard to get focused.


Just a small update, as we are just sorting contact arrangements for this week.


I basically gave her the opportunity, said "look, I'm not bothered, it's your life, but if this is a potential partner who's going to be in my sons life, just be honest about it, I'm not angry, I just want things to be open", she said it wasn't. I left it at that. At the end of the day, i'll drive myself mad if I keep on about it, it's not something I can change.


Focusing on my son now. Whatever it is, I just hope she's careful.


Here's the deal - she's unfortunately had a very difficult life. She found out about her fathers affair as a teenager, told her mum, who didn't believe her and ended up self harming quite badly (crash trolley badly). She had a series of bad relationships, two kids by two men who both did a runner and aren't involved. I feel for her a lot, it must be so tough and whilst our relationship really wasn't good, and I cant fix her problems for her. When people ask me why I kept trying, it's because I wanted her and the kids to have a normal family life.


So despite everything that has happened between us, I have this feeling of responsibility towards her. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've had to hide her pills one night when I woke up and she was sat in the kitchen crying with a pile of them in front of her. I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt, like I failed to give her a good life.

Comms69

gomer wrote: »

Thats fair enough, but bare in mind it wouldn't be fair to expect the wife to adhere to what you consider to be too soon. As much as it might smart a bit she's entitled to move on with her life at her pace.

Of course you are going to want ho know the extent of the boyfriend's interaction but as long as the 'daddy' thing is not being imposed on the child i think youre just going to have to try and accept this.

Some people move on quickly. I do myself.

Of course. I wouldn't even say she moved on quickly, because like I said we split up over a year ago. In terms of the relationship between her and this chap - no issues really, I genuinely hope it works out for her. She's had it rough.


It's definitely the interaction with my child that I'm more, maybe not concerned, but like I said it would be nice to know a bit about the person in my childs life. I'm not talking about details of their relationship, just He's called X, he's got other kids?, etc. Just so I understand a bit about the dynamic she's setting up.

gomer

Is she aware you know he picked your son up from school? Perhaps that would gave been the opportunity to tell her what was said.

Comms69

hazyjo wrote: »

My old best schoolmate split with her husband donkey's years ago. Got one son. She was always ADAMANT (and a bit preachy if I'm honest) saying she would NEVER introduce anyone until after a year. Would have been annoyed if the ex did too. Wanted to meet her first (yada yada...).


Around 5 years later, she did meet someone we used to know from school many moons ago. Bit of a whirlwind thing. (Turns out he was still married but that's another story lol.) She was introducing her son pretty much immediately and certainly not involving her ex.


All good intentions go out the window when love/sex/feelings/newness of a relationship first starts.


I also do people do get defensive or cagey when there's something they think/know their ex will find fault with. (Married, or not working, or looking a certain way - you know the sort of thing.) So there may be something she's a bit cautious of.


Best course of action? Ignore. Don't even mention it. Keep it short and factual/necessary.


I doubt your ex's 'friend' (or whatever he's known as) will have much impact on your 7 year old. He prob doesn't understand or want to know about 'intimacy'. He wasn't being secretive when he mentioned him to you, so it's not like he's uncomfortable about it or sees it as wrong in any way.


Good luck

That's the thing, about being cagey because of 'something'. I mean the guy could be totally upstanding, good with the kids, genuinely wants to pursue a relationship with her etc. (and I hope he is like that, as I have no issue with someone having a positive impact on her and my child)


But equally he could be playing the part whilst he gets what he wants and then does a runner. My child then thinks that's how 'relationships' (loosely ofcourse because you're right he's young) work.


I know I cant predict either scenario, and neither can she, because it's all so new, like you said that new relationship feeling. And that's I guess why I feel it's too soon, and why I wouldn't do that to my child. I don't want people entering and leaving his life.


I did get a glimpse of the other side, my friend is seeing someone with a child (slightly different than my experience as the other fathers weren't involved, so I could take on the dad role) and he has clear boundaries, but seems to have developed a good relationship with the child. He's been seeing her for almost 10 months and has only very recently stayed there for the first time - that's the kind of thing I thought would be good.