Introducing someone too soon?

caprikid1

Is it too soon or not is now largely irrelevant , its done now and you need to get over it and move on.


Focus on what is right for your child, it may not have been right for him to be introduced so soon but its done now and can't be undone.


It probably screams that this is more serious than you would like, friends with benefits was a disaster as has been stated.


What you don't want to do is get into a screaming row about this. I could have easily got mad with my Ex over it but she learned her lesson. It can be very difficult to shield kids from your partners but you can avoid family type events.


You can try and create rules on this but if one partner feels the other is controlling they will certainly be broken.


I got irritated when a new partner of my EX pitched up to parents evening. I said nothing stepped back and said to myself this guy is interested in my children's education (50/50) split, why is this a bad thing ?

Comms69

caprikid1 wrote: »

Is to too soon or not is now largely irrelevant , its done now and you need to get over it and move on.


Focus on what is right for your child, it may not have been right for him to introduced so soon but its done now and can't be undone.


It probably screams that this is more serious than you would like, friends with benefits was a disaster as has been stated.


What you don't want to do is get into a screaming row about this. I could have easily got mad with my Ex over it but she learned her lesson. It can be very difficult to shield kids from your partners but you can avoid family type events.


You can try and create rules on this but if one partner feels the other is controlling they will certainly be broken.


I got irritated when a new partner of my EX pitched up to parents evening. I said nothing stepped back and said to myself this guy is interested in my children's education (50/50) split, why is this a bad thing ?

I agree. It's more about knowing whether my feelings are 'valid' - I mean I know I cant change how I feel with a push of a button, but what is and isn't appropriate?


I don't necessarily have anything against this person per se. I just don't know them.


I just wish I had a heads up and it wasn't all so cloak and dagger. My ex unfortunately has a tendency to just make decisions, for example contact days get changed to suit her schedule, but it's not a question like "Can we change X for Y, because of Z" it's "This week it's A, B and C".

pickledonionspaceraider

You can't help how you feel Comms.

It is a crappy situation but it seems the only thing you 'can' do is wait and see how things pan out

Unless you ask your ex again..which possibly may not go well.

Ref the contact days being changed, that is not great for you, or your childs schedule - as you know kids need routine - but so do we as adults, as how are you ever meant to plan anything more than a week in advance?

caprikid1

Is your partner self centred and inconsiderate or does she consider you controlling and no longer has to justify anything to you ?


"I just wish I had a heads up and it wasn't all so cloak and dagger. My ex unfortunately has a tendency to just make decisions, for example contact days get changed to suit her schedule, but it's not a question like "Can we change X for Y, because of Z" it's "This week it's A, B and C".


Sorry don't mean to sound condemning, been through it all.

caprikid1

In terms of contact days, I do a week on week off. We switch over at 6pm on a Sunday. It works well, as the kids get older though we do not worry quite so much, they pitch up and her house , they pitch up at mine (Ages 13 & 16). We all work together to create a loving wider family. It's not easy , sometimes we bite our lip but the kids have two wonderful houses and come and go they please.

Comms69

caprikid1 wrote: »

Is your partner self centred and inconsiderate or does she consider you controlling and no longer has to justify anything to you ?


"I just wish I had a heads up and it wasn't all so cloak and dagger. My ex unfortunately has a tendency to just make decisions, for example contact days get changed to suit her schedule, but it's not a question like "Can we change X for Y, because of Z" it's "This week it's A, B and C".


Sorry don't mean to sound condemning, been through it all.

No sure. So the background to the relationship is to be frank, abusive. Just to give you a few examples:


1: She punched me in the head after I confronted her - non violently - over cheating. The context is that I was leaving and I was just saying bye to the kids, literally had one in my arms. The guy she was cheating with didn't work out, and with the kids etc we reconciled. I thought she'd cut contact with this guy; I don't know how long passed but my grandmother had a stroke, so I was flying to see her. The day before I flew out, she went out and woke me up at 2am, saying this guy was downstairs. I think this was a deliberate act to play with my head whilst I was away.


2: She would calculate down to the penny what I needed to pay my bills and would then demand all my excess pay for the household - now I don't have an issue with supporting my family, it's why I worked. But again a bit of context, when I was made redundant, and she was working (she's worked 6 months in the total 9 years), I applied for JSA and she literally took the form from the advisor and put her bank details in; "I couldn't be trusted with money", that was said aloud there and then.


3: She'd call the police if we ever argued - again non-violent - because basically I wasn't agreeing with her. The argument could be about anything, but the response would basically always be the same. This is slightly linked to point 2, as in essence I would be getting kicked out and had nowhere to go and no money to get a hotel or something for the night. I even recorded all this, as she was claiming all sorts to the police and I wanted evidence that I was perfectly calm. She took my phone and threw it in the washing up bowl.


4: She would use the kids as weapons against me. Basically cutting contact until I came crawling back, asking for forgiveness. Even when we weren't together, which was often enough, I was still being reported on by people she knows. e.g. I was out for a drink with a former colleague, this was about 6 months ago when we were not together. I saw someone that she knows, and jokingly even said oh here we go (my colleague knows the context); the very next day "who were you at the pub with?".


5: Lost a lot of friends etc. Basically if I wanted to socialise it was me choosing them over her and the kids. So I would just work, come home and then there'd be a list of chores to be done. It wouldn't be uncommon for me to set off for work at 8am and not have a break until 9-10pm, when I would cook tea for us.


I understand where you're coming from. Sure after she cheated I was a bit more on edge about things. I don't know if I'd call it controlling, but certainly I took some time rebuilding trust.

caprikid1

I could virtually write an identical word for word story.




As I said to her new partner "Good luck with that one"

Comms69

caprikid1 wrote: »

I could virtually write an identical word for word story.




As I said to her new partner "Good luck with that one"

Exactly - I suspect she'll fall pregnant quickly - it's her 'go to'.


I might ask her ex why they split up, bit awkward maybe, but interesting.

need_an_answer

I don't necessarily think 2 months is too soon to be starting to introduce a new partner.However what I think you all need to be mindful of is what relationship your child/children think you both still have.

Children who see mum and dad together might start to connect the two of you back up together even though you arnt going down that route.

In introducing the new partner your ex is clearly trying to define the space that there is between you both. How old is your son?
Is he old enough for you to talk it through together on a level of some maturity where you can explain that mum has a new partner and you support the decision for the new partner to have a "place" within the family unit.
Maturity is needed on all sides here...I read your account of her controlling behavior,and just have to ask why you even entered into a friends with benefits relationship...no need to answer.

Scorpio33

when I split with my wife, we agreed not to introduce anyone to the kids until they have been together for 6 moths - the idea being we didn't want people introduced who may not stay in their lives that long.

within a week of her moving out the kids came into my room one morning and asked "where 'ben'" (not real name). Hurt me like hell, especially as it went against everything we agreed,

Honestly? Pick your battles. Yes, raise a concern if you have to, but it is not worth arguing about to be honest.