Introducing someone too soon?

Comms69

So here goes, me and my ex had split up around a year ago. It wasn't great, but things improved after a while and we were able to stay friends.


In August, at her suggestion we had a friends with benefits kind of thing. This was until October when she started to be really distant, quite quickly.


She also got really defensive about an activity she was doing with the kids. In essence we started to support the local football team, as kids had joined their juniors team. We were going to matches together etc. I had to work weekends, so I couldn't go for a while.


When my weekend work stopped, I suggested joining her, but she got really defensive about it, saying it was her activity with the kids. Now fair enough we weren't together, but obviously my gut told me something was wrong.


Anyway roll on October and she picks a fight and we fall out. To be honest I wasn't even arguing with her, but I realise now this was just an excuse to cut contact.


So this weekend I had my son and he mentions how, 'Ben' (not real name), picked him up from school on Friday.


I had already assumed she was seeing someone, my gut had told me that. Yes it bothers me a little bit, but I'm ok with it. But she's only known this chap a short time, and been together well at most two months.


I had previously asked her to talk to me before introducing anyone to my son also.


I feel it's A: too soon, this is still very much the honeymoon period and I don't want my son to be confused. and B: I feel like she could've spoken to me about it.


I did try to talk to her about it, but she denied anything even going on. Which to be honest is just so immature and rude. It's like just be honest about it, my concern is for my child.

pickledonionspaceraider

It is always best to have a clean break - the friends with benefits only prolongs the pain in a break up. There was always going to come a time when one of you moved on.

Really no one can offer you any comments on this, as it is something you need to speak to your ex about.

All any of us can do is jump on the bandwagon of slating your ex

Maybe things were starting up with Ben before October - and at that point she started to think things were becoming more serious

Comms69

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

It is always best to have a clean break - the friends with benefits only prolongs the pain in a break up. There was always going to come a time when one of you moved on.

Really no one can offer you any comments on this, as it is something you need to speak to your ex about.

All any of us can do is jump on the bandwagon of slating your ex

Maybe things were starting up with Ben before October - and at that point she started to think things were becoming more serious

Oh no I get that, of course it's fine to meet someone new.


I was there almost every day, so no chance anything started before then in terms of a relationship. Granted maybe she was testing the waters via text or whatever.


I'm more trying to get perspective on meeting my child.


In your opinion (im not looking to slate her) how long would you wait before introducing your new partner to your child? And would you speak to the other parent beforehand?

flanker6

I'd say that two months is much too soon to be introducing another adult to a child . . . let alone getting the new adult to make a school run!


There is no guarantee that the new relationship will last and this could lead to a succession of "uncles" being introduced to, and causing upset, with the children.


And that's even before she has had a chance to fully assess the character of the new man to ensure her/your children are safe.

maman

In general I'd agree that two months is too early to introduce a partner to the children.

However, as you've given us the context then possibly in this case it wasn't deliberate. It could well be that 'Ben' is a coach at the football club or regularly sat/stood next to the family at matches. In that sort of scenario then the children will have already met 'Ben' so trying to hide him away would be pointless.

I'm a football fan myself and always sit with the same group of people.

I think what's important is that they accept that 'Ben' is just a friend of mum's. It's too early to be introducing him as a love interest or getting overly demonstrative in front of the children.

pickledonionspaceraider

Comms69 wrote: »

Oh no I get that, of course it's fine to meet someone new.


I was there almost every day, so no chance anything started before then in terms of a relationship. Granted maybe she was testing the waters via text or whatever.


I'm more trying to get perspective on meeting my child.


In your opinion (im not looking to slate her) how long would you wait before introducing your new partner to your child? And would you speak to the other parent beforehand?

In my opinion - eeek - erm - OK I will tell you, but bare in mind you might not agree - and im not playing devils advocate trying to pee you off

I have just been thinking, and it is kind of hard to put a time frame on it - in terms of - having them meet casually.

Having any sort of relationship compartmentalised away from your child would be hard - but a time frame really depends on how serious it gets, and how quick

I could imagine introducing someone after a couple of months, as in 'here is a pal of Mums'....no holding hands or being demonstrative or staying over etc...just a pal who watches videos with us sometimes or plays footie in the park, and nothing else whatsoever

Would I speak to the other parent? Probably not, tbh. (however bare in mind I have never had that issue, my littleuns father was ne'er do well, + I would have had to hire the A Team to find him)

I would struggle to call a new boyfriend, a 'partner' after two months and he certainly would not be picking my child up from school - I mean that seems to be making a two month relationship, bigger than it is

If I were to introduce them, I would keep it casual, kick about in the park - not put parental responsibility in the mix, of picking the child up from school

You do seem like a good caring parent. I think (to me) the main issue that flags up is him picking up the child from school - seems like she is rushing things a tad

Again, sorry if you dont agree with any of the above, I am just being honest 'cos you asked

Comms69

maman wrote: »

In general I'd agree that two months is too early to introduce a partner to the children.

However, as you've given us the context then possibly in this case it wasn't deliberate. It could well be that 'Ben' is a coach at the football club or regularly sat/stood next to the family at matches. In that sort of scenario then the children will have already met 'Ben' so trying to hide him away would be pointless.

I'm a football fan myself and always sit with the same group of people.

I think what's important is that they accept that 'Ben' is just a friend of mum's. It's too early to be introducing him as a love interest or getting overly demonstrative in front of the children.

Thanks and my fault for not being clear- my youngest never attended the matches, so he would never have met him. He’s biologically mine, I raised the others but that’s another story.

Comms69

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

In my opinion - eeek - erm - OK I will tell you, but bare in mind you might not agree - and im not playing devils advocate trying to pee you off

I have just been thinking, and it is kind of hard to put a time frame on it - in terms of - having them meet casually.

Having any sort of relationship compartmentalised away from your child would be hard - but a time frame really depends on how serious it gets, and how quick

I could imagine introducing someone after a couple of months, as in 'here is a pal of Mums'....no holding hands or being demonstrative or staying over etc...just a pal who watches videos with us sometimes or plays footie in the park, and nothing else whatsoever

Would I speak to the other parent? Probably not, tbh. (however bare in mind I have never had that issue, my littleuns father was ne'er do well, + I would have had to hire the A Team to find him)

I would struggle to call a new boyfriend, a 'partner' after two months and he certainly would not be picking my child up from school - I mean that seems to be making a two month relationship, bigger than it is

If I were to introduce them, I would keep it casual, kick about in the park - not put parental responsibility in the mix, of picking the child up from school

You do seem like a good caring parent. I think (to me) the main issue that flags up is him picking up the child from school - seems like she is rushing things a tad

Again, sorry if you dont agree with any of the above, I am just being honest 'cos you asked

All good, I don’t just want people to agree with me.


That's my biggest issue too. It seems to be really overstepping the line. I don't mind her doing whatever she wants. I think she was a bit underhand about it all, but that's on her.

Thanks

cheeky-peach

I think 2 months is definitely too soon; and giving that 'new' person the responsibility of picking up a child from school. I met my now step-daughter after 6 months and before then her dad had told her about me and give her the opportunity to ask any questions etc. Not sure if it makes a difference about how long you've been separated from the other parent though.

Skiddaw1

Of course, it could perhaps be that your ex was being perfectly honest when she denied she's seeing anyone. Ben might just be a friend (or possibly the dad of another child in the same class?)



I think you have to wait & see how things pan out before raising it with your ex again. If she is in the process of forming a new relationship it'll come out soon enough.

Comms69

Skiddaw1 wrote: »

Of course, it could perhaps be that your ex was being perfectly honest when she denied she's seeing anyone. Ben might just be a friend (or possibly the dad of another child in the same class?)



I think you have to wait & see how things pan out before raising it with your ex again. If she is in the process of forming a new relationship it'll come out soon enough.

Possibly, but my gut says otherwise