Introducing someone too soon?

Comms69

gomer wrote: »

Is she aware you know he picked your son up from school? Perhaps that would gave been the opportunity to tell her what was said.

Yes I asked her calmly about it. I said "Boris mentioned that 'Ben' collected him from school. I don't mind if you've met someone, but is this someone who's in my child's life for the foreseeable, and if so can you tell me abit about it?"


Her response was that he's just a friend, is she not allowed to contact anyone; and hung up.

gomer

Comms69 wrote: »

Yes I asked her calmly about it. I said "Boris mentioned that 'Ben' collected him from school. I don't mind if you've met someone, but is this someone who's in my child's life for the foreseeable, and if so can you tell me abit about it?"


Her response was that he's just a friend, is she not allowed to contact anyone; and hung up.

That does sound a tad unreasonable. Nobody said she can't contact anyone. You just asked why he collected your son. I probably would ask the same question.

Comms69

gomer wrote: »

That does sound a tad unreasonable. Nobody said she can't contact anyone. You just asked why he collected your son. I probably would ask the same question.

Indeed. It's unnecessarily defensive.


If it's just a friend, then you can say that calmly. But the fact he's picked my child up from school. He was doing the family thing, ie watching TV, playing games, playing with the kids. It seems to be more than just friends. And in that case why not just say.


If it is just a friend, I can understand her getting annoyed at the question. But putting herself in my shoes, I'd like to think she could understand my position too.

gomer

Comms69 wrote: »

Indeed. It's unnecessarily defensive.


If it's just a friend, then you can say that calmly. But the fact he's picked my child up from school. He was doing the family thing, ie watching TV, playing games, playing with the kids. It seems to be more than just friends. And in that case why not just say.


If it is just a friend, I can understand her getting annoyed at the question. But putting herself in my shoes, I'd like to think she could understand my position too.

Is there any way you can collect him yourself? You might get a better picture of what's going on that way.

Comms69

gomer wrote: »

Is there any way you can collect him yourself? You might get a better picture of what's going on that way.

Possibly, but with work it's quite difficult.

onomatopoeia99

Comms69 wrote: »

But equally he could be playing the part whilst he gets what he wants and then does a runner.

Or she could regard him as nothing more than a regular screw and will move on when she's bored or someone more interesting comes along.

You can't do anything about the scenario I have posited, so don't see you should even try do anything about the one you have suggested either. It's her life, accept that you cannot control it.

Comms69

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Or she could regard him as nothing more than a regular screw and will move on when she's bored or someone more interesting comes along.

You can't do anything about the scenario I have posited, so don't see you should even try do anything about the one you have suggested either. It's her life, accept that you cannot control it.

True, though I'd question why introduce someone to the kids in that case.


It's not her life I'm bothered about. Just my child.

pickledonionspaceraider

Comms69 wrote: »

Ye I'm trying. You're right, it's hard to get focused.


Just a small update, as we are just sorting contact arrangements for this week.


I basically gave her the opportunity, said "look, I'm not bothered, it's your life, but if this is a potential partner who's going to be in my sons life, just be honest about it, I'm not angry, I just want things to be open", she said it wasn't. I left it at that. At the end of the day, i'll drive myself mad if I keep on about it, it's not something I can change.


Focusing on my son now. Whatever it is, I just hope she's careful.


Here's the deal - she's unfortunately had a very difficult life. She found out about her fathers affair as a teenager, told her mum, who didn't believe her and ended up self harming quite badly (crash trolley badly). She had a series of bad relationships, two kids by two men who both did a runner and aren't involved. I feel for her a lot, it must be so tough and whilst our relationship really wasn't good, and I cant fix her problems for her. When people ask me why I kept trying, it's because I wanted her and the kids to have a normal family life.


So despite everything that has happened between us, I have this feeling of responsibility towards her. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've had to hide her pills one night when I woke up and she was sat in the kitchen crying with a pile of them in front of her. I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt, like I failed to give her a good life.

That is really generous of you to still care - and it really does sound like shes had it very though

but -You didn't fail.

You aren't her personal Jesus

I don't mean that in a heartless way (as it sounds, I know) but none of us can sort anyone elses problems out

If you stayed with her, all you could have done was support her, you cannot drive her demons away

Many of us spend our lives trying to fix broken people and end up broken ourselves

Comms69

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

That is really generous of you to still care - and it really does sound like shes had it very though

but -You didn't fail.

You aren't her personal Jesus

I don't mean that in a heartless way (as it sounds, I know) but none of us can sort anyone elses problems out

If you stayed with her, all you could have done was support her, you cannot drive her demons away

Many of us spend our lives trying to fix broken people and end up broken ourselves

Thanks, and I know I cant actually fix things for her. I tried so very hard and I guess it just feels complex.


Like part of me wants to see her so very happy, part of me is a bit jealous, part of me is glad it's over, part of me feels like a let down, part of me is angry that she's moved on, but I haven't, part of me feels a bit betrayed if I'm being honest about it. It's all very mixed up. It's probably why I'm blowing so hot and cold


Thanks

Mojisola

Comms69 wrote: »

Like part of me wants to see her so very happy, part of me is a bit jealous, part of me is glad it's over, part of me feels like a let down, part of me is angry that she's moved on, but I haven't, part of me feels a bit betrayed if I'm being honest about it. It's all very mixed up. It's probably why I'm blowing so hot and cold

She hasn't really moved on - she's moved sideways. Until she deals with the hard stuff from her history, she's stuck - she may have a string of relationships, hoping that each new person will fix her but she's the only one who can do that.