40 year old male mid life crisis?

Pollycat

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You forgot to put 'your job' in that list. I neither know nor care what their respective roles within the company are, but there's a real risk of her claiming sexual harassment since he has continued to text her, even though she has 'gone cold' (or sensible, in my book).

Yes I did forget.
I mentioned in my very first post on this thread that my ex and his young-enough-to-be-his-daughter-bit-on-the-side encountered personnel issues because of the affair.
It didn't end well for either of them.

Erinome

smithers1981 wrote: »

Feel like a bloody teenager need to get a grip and make things right with my family thanks for all responses

You know the saying: "you can whet your appetite wherever you like, as long as you eat at home"

Pollycat

smithers1981 wrote: »

Feel like a bloody teenager need to get a grip and make things right with my family thanks for all responses

You're acting like a teenager - instead of a 40 year old married man with a child.

Have you really seen sense?

74jax

I didn't get to read your first post so I'm sorry if it was mentioned.

You were going on holiday with your wife in October, did this happen? How were things away from the office and the girl?

How long were you seeing the girl for and did you tell your wife or did your wife find out?

You say you want to be with the girl but I get the impression your wife want to try again, does she know that you don't really but 'feel' you should?

The girl has gone cold, is this because the wife is on the scene, did she know you were married and had a child? What had turned her off you?

And why does your wife feel this girl is to blame. Surely the girl is single and didn't make vows to her, why aren't you to blame - in your wifes eyes I mean?

Sorry for the questions but I don't know what others do.

I think if you only feel you should try with your wife, but clearly lust elsewhere, then it won't work with the wife. I'm sorry, I'm blunt. Had you the feeling of overwhelming sadness of losing her, complete regret and even be at the point of looking for another job, then maybe it could work. Have you been with your wife long? People grow apart and change. You have 50yrs maybe ahead of you and so does your wife. Do you want her to be happy, even if that is away from you? She has the right to feel happyer than she is now. To find someone who won't treat her how you are.

If you do love her, will never text this woman again, will give 100%to your wife etc then I would say stay, go to counselling and work it out. But you don't seem to be committed to that.

smithers1981

Girl gone cold due to all the drama said I should leave wife for myself not for her. Been with wife 15 years TBF thought of losing house and daughter biggest concern.

Feel I should give marriage another go, not leaving job but am now in different shift so not working with her directly.

Stomach constantly churning but not for wife, also we have both lost quite a bit of weight in last couple of weeks, not to know I have no chance with girl then I can move on and make up to wife.

gettingtheresometime

smithers1981 wrote: »

Girl gone cold due to all the drama said I should leave wife for myself not for her. Been with wife 15 years TBF thought of losing house and daughter biggest concern.

Feel I should give marriage another go, not leaving job but am now in different shift so not working with her directly.

Stomach constantly churning but not for wife, also we have both lost quite a bit of weight in last couple of weeks, not to know I have no chance with girl then I can move on and make up to wife.

If you were a new poster I'd swear you were a wind up merchant.

You don't love your wife, or certainly don't now because you wouldn't have made the comment about only giving it a go with your wife because the other woman doesn't want you, not to mention about worrying more about losing your house & daughter.

Personally I think your wife should have more self respect & ask you to leave.

Pollycat

smithers1981 wrote: »

Girl gone cold due to all the drama said I should leave wife for myself not for her. Been with wife 15 years TBF thought of losing house and daughter biggest concern.

Feel I should give marriage another go, not leaving job but am now in different shift so not working with her directly.

Stomach constantly churning but not for wife, also we have both lost quite a bit of weight in last couple of weeks, not to know I have no chance with girl then I can move on and make up to wife.

Do you not realise how despicable this sounds?
What would be your wife's reaction if she knew making a go of your marriage depended on what a woman half her age decided?

Savvy_Sue

smithers1981 wrote: »

Been with wife 15 years TBF thought of losing house and daughter biggest concern.

I feel that if it was, you'd be asking different questions ...

smithers1981 wrote: »

Feel I should give marriage another go, not leaving job but am now in different shift so not working with her directly.

Stomach constantly churning but not for wife, also we have both lost quite a bit of weight in last couple of weeks, not to know I have no chance with girl then I can move on and make up to wife.

I don't really understand the bit in bold. But you need to make a decision. Not one based on how you feel, not one based on how someone else feels, but a decision based on cold hard facts.



You are a grown up. You have a wife and a daughter. You are not a teenager any more. Will you commit to your wife and your marriage? Will you commit to do what is best and most loving for her, even if you don't feel like it?



Or will you only do so until someone comes along who's prepared to flirt with you and play along with your childish fantasies?



See, there are facts, and there are feelings. We often treat the feelings like the engine of a train, and let them pull us along all over the place. But if you let the FACTS take the lead, the feelings can fall into place.

Pollycat

smithers1981 wrote: »

Girl gone cold due to all the drama said I should leave wife for myself not for her. Been with wife 15 years TBF thought of losing house and daughter biggest concern.

Feel I should give marriage another go, not leaving job but am now in different shift so not working with her directly.

Stomach constantly churning but not for wife, also we have both lost quite a bit of weight in last couple of weeks, not to know I have no chance with girl then I can move on and make up to wife.

smithers1981 wrote: »

Feel like a bloody teenager need to get a grip and make things right with my family thanks for all responses

Your later quote - the first one I've quoted - is at odds with what you said earlier.
You're right that you 'need to get a grip' but at the moment you are just playing lip service.

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Will you commit to do what is best and most loving for her, even if you don't feel like it?

I think the best thing for the OP's wife would be to find out how duplicitous he is and end the relationship.

74jax

smithers1981 wrote: »

Girl gone cold due to all the drama said I should leave wife for myself not for her. Been with wife 15 years TBF thought of losing house and daughter biggest concern.

Feel I should give marriage another go, not leaving job but am now in different shift so not working with her directly.

Stomach constantly churning but not for wife, also we have both lost quite a bit of weight in last couple of weeks, not to know I have no chance with girl then I can move on and make up to wife.

I agree with the girl and that you should leave your wife, but not for her. You need to allow your wife to move on, and time for you get over the last month and to be by yourself. I don't think you should leave your wife and jump straight in to another relationship. You wife will move on and find someone who can offer her what she wants from you but you don't want to give. If you feel anything for your wife allow her this.

You mention losing your home and daughter your biggest concern. But this is the first time you mention it. If your daughter came to you, in an unhappy marriage and wanted out, what would you advise? Do you think its right for her to see the way you make her mum feel? If he husband cheated on her and didn't want to go back but didn't have a better offer would you tell her to take him back? These are all things that your actions now will leave as an impression on her.

Why do you need to know the girl doesn't want you, in order to make a go of things with your wife? You either want your wife or not. If not then do the right thing and leave. Regardless of the girl. Your wife is the one you decide about, not the girl.