Sharing income when moving in together

zagfles

onwards&upwards wrote: »

I’m sure my dad is very happy with it but I suspect my mum wishes he pulled his weight a bit more outside of his paid job!

Maybe he wished she'd contributed more financially? But neither said anything as they were brought up traditionally and fell in to stereotypical roles because that was expected at the time?

It doesn't have to be like that anymore of course, certainly I never expected my wife to do all the housework and me to financially support her but the way things worked out, we ended up pretty much there for a combination of reasons. Mainly she prefers a low stress lower paid job, even though she's perfectly capable of doing a much better paid job, she much prefers doing that part time plus housework than a full time higher stress job, and I enjoy my job which a lot of people find horrendously stressful but I hate housework. So we both avoid what we hate, her a high stress job, me housework.

Childcare type stuff is another matter. Kids now grown up but we shared that as best we could, because we both wanted to do as much as possible.

onwards&upwards

zagfles wrote: »

Maybe he wished she'd contributed more financially? But neither said anything as they were brought up traditionally and fell in to stereotypical roles because that was expected at the time?

No, he didn’t.

pickledonionspaceraider

I read a quote this morning (I don't know who by) that made me think. I know it is not entirely relevant to this particular discussion, but I wanted to share it somewhere

''A woman is expected to work like she has no children, and raise children like she doesn't work''

Really gave me food for thought

DarkShadow

Why do this whole live in business? Why cant they just marry, easy to manage finances. Work as a team, play as a team & enjoy as a team.

zagfles

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I read a quote this morning (I don't know who by) that made me think. I know it is not entirely relevant to this particular discussion, but I wanted to share it somewhere

''A woman is expected to work like she has no children,

Men even more so. In my old job we had a boss who'd let women have time off for childcare emergencies etc without question, but when a man asked for the same, it'd always be "why can't your wife do it"?

and raise children like she doesn't work''

Maybe stuff like equalising maternity and paternity pay/leave would help make childcare not be seen as a woman's job, and breadwinning not as the man's.

Really gave me food for thought

Think about the solutions too. There's a lot of focus on the gender pay gap, ie trying to equalise the earning ability of men and women. How about some focus on the "parenting gap", such as the custody gap, the SAHP gap, the parental leave/pay gap etc.

Also of course, the decision gap. I know several men who've only had children because their wife wanted them, I don't know many the other way round (I'm sure it happens, but far less commonly).

maman

zagfles wrote: »

Men even more so. In my old job we had a boss who'd let women have time off for childcare emergencies etc without question, but when a man asked for the same, it'd always be "why can't your wife do it"? Maybe stuff like equalising maternity and paternity pay/leave would help make childcare not be seen as a woman's job, and breadwinning not as the man's. [/B]Think about the solutions too. There's a lot of focus on the gender pay gap, ie trying to equalise the earning ability of men and women. How about some focus on the "parenting gap", such as the custody gap, the SAHP gap, the parental leave/pay gap etc.

Also of course, the decision gap. I know several men who've only had children because their wife wanted them, I don't know many the other way round (I'm sure it happens, but far less commonly).

Some excellent points.

I had a woman who worked for me that always took time off when her children were unwell. Her DH never did. :mad: As well as feeling this was unfair to me as her employer it affected my opinion of her attitude to her job.

I want to be regarded against my male colleagues on merit not on gender. For me I don't consider domestic tasks as equal contribution to working outside the home. If a couple share a home they should share domestic tasks IMO. Obviously in the current circumstances there is still a long way to go over affordable childcare and pay equality but that doesn't mean we shouldn't aim for it and, in any event, taken over a working lifetime the needs of childcare are relatively short term.

Davy_Jones_II

As others have said, it’s what works for you that matters.

I do agree that if someone on £100k and someone working part-time in a fluffy job on £15k are going out together that it’s hardly outrageous to not immediately pool everything just because you fancy living under the same roof. People do move in together quite early in relationships, and if I’d been diligently saving and investing I’d not be comfortable stopping that so a young girlfriend can start buying £5,000 dresses.

onwards&upwards

zagfles wrote: »

Men even more so. In my old job we had a boss who'd let women have time off for childcare emergencies etc without question, but when a man asked for the same, it'd always be "why can't your wife do it"? Maybe stuff like equalising maternity and paternity pay/leave would help make childcare not be seen as a woman's job, and breadwinning not as the man's. [/B]Think about the solutions too. There's a lot of focus on the gender pay gap, ie trying to equalise the earning ability of men and women. How about some focus on the "parenting gap", such as the custody gap, the SAHP gap, the parental leave/pay gap etc.

Also of course, the decision gap. I know several men who've only had children because their wife wanted them, I don't know many the other way round (I'm sure it happens, but far less commonly).

I know women who had children for their husband’s sake. I also know women and men who had them because it was just generally expected and it never occurred to them not to.

I agree totally about the parenting gap. Men are parents just as much as women but they aren’t expected to get stuck in as much or do as much of the actual care, and seen as a bit odd if they want to, and you hear people talking about dads babysitting their own children! :eek::eek:

kangoora

mark5 wrote: »

Why do some people feel you should split your income if you move in together?

Surely the one who earns more money probably has a more difficult or responsible job or maybe works more hours so should enjoy the rewards of this and not have to split the difference with the lower earner?

I don't think it's something that should be done the instant you move in together. I do think setting up bills etc should be proportionate to each of the couples income in the early days

Someone earning significantly less than the higher earner could be very disadvantaged by equal splits - especially if the accomodation, food costs & bills were based upon the higher earners income which could be a lot more than the lower earner could readily afford.

For example, if the higher earner expected to eat out once/week, a takeaway one night a week, steak and chips on another etc when the lower earner might consider a takeaway once/week to be extravagant. Similarly rent & council tax, someone earning and wanting accomodation suitable for their £80k/year salary with a partner who earns £20k would be severely disadvantaging the lower earning partner in respect of costs as a proportion of salary if an even split.

zagfles

onwards&upwards wrote: »

I know women who had children for their husband’s sake. I also know women and men who had them because it was just generally expected and it never occurred to them not to.

Indeed. But it seems more common that men are expected to become fathers when it's not what they really want but their wife does, than vv. That of course stems from the attitude that the children are the mother's responsibility, she'll be the carer, so becoming a father really isn't a big deal, whereas becoming a mother is.

Before we got married we discussed children and I made clear that I did not want children at that time, although I wasn't ruling them out. My wife did, but it wasn't a deal breaker. Few years down the line, nagging relatives asking when we're having kids, we were honest with a couple of them and told them she wants kids but I didn't.

I got loads of grief, they seemed to think I was really selfish for not turning my life upside down and make such a massive financial and emotional committment to become a father when it wasn't what I wanted! We both believed that kids should only be brought into the world if they're wanted by both parents and we stuck with that.

Anyway long story short, few years later, loads of travelling etc, friends & relatives having kids and loving spending time with them, I started getting broody! So we agreed, and had 2. Ironically I wanted a third by my wife didn't!

I agree totally about the parenting gap. Men are parents just as much as women but they aren’t expected to get stuck in as much or do as much of the actual care, and seen as a bit odd if they want to, and you hear people talking about dads babysitting their own children! :eek::eek:

That was probably the one thing, amongst all what they'd term today as sexist microaggressions, that p'ed me off the most.

No, I'm not babysitting, they are MY CHILDREN!:mad: