In law help

Silvertabby

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not a Mother and even I would say that's a no-brainer choice.

I agree with onwardsandupwards assessment:

I'm not a mother either, but I would say 'go with your gut'. If you are not comfortable leaving your daughter with your in-laws, then don't.

paddy's_mum

Stoodles wrote: »

You have a horrible choice to make, and I feel for you.



Would you risk your daughter to protect your marriage?
Would you risk your marriage to protect your daughter?

The OP isn't risking anything but her stupidly short-sighted husband IS!

!!!!!! at nine years of age says it all really, in my view.

harrys_nan

Please stick to your guns, a mothers instinct is usually spot on.
Better that they don't talk to you than put your daughter in any kind of danger. Stay strong

pollypenny

Oh-oh, showing a 9 year old !!!!!! is abuse! You're lucky your husband hasn't been corrupted, for want of a better word.

That FIL should definitely be avoided. Sexual comments on son's girlfriend also highly inappropriate. Sounds as if he's gaslighting the girl. Has MIL been turning a blind eye?

belfastgirl23

I would turn this argument on its head to be honest. At the minute all of the discussion is about your FIL and MIL and what they are or are not capable of doing.

Instead of focusing on him, I’d focus the discussion on your daughter. I would try to pick a moment and ask your husband very calmly whether he is absolutely certain that EVERYTHING was in the girl’s mind rather than in his father’s actions.

Rather than asking him to admit his father is a **** I would try to give him a different way to acknowledge the issues - so you might ask is it at all possible that your father doesn’t see that there are things that are no longer acceptable (if you can calmly reference showing !!!!!! to a child of 9 it might be worth saying!). If you can get your husband to acknowledge that his father has ‘old fashioned’ ways that’s a start.

In the end, and definitely in a calm moment not as a row, I would say something like ‘I need to ask you this and I’m trusting you to tell me the truth. Can you look me in the eye as the father of our amazing daughter and tell me that your father will never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable? Because our daughter is amazing and the thought of anyone doing anything to hurt her terrifies me’. Instead of making it about your FIL make it about your daughter and your shared love for her. How he reacts will tell you something.

By the way I think your FIL is a creep and you have every right to feel uncomfortable, but I also have sympathy for your husband. No one wants to admit something like that about their own parent. He needs to get rid of this narrative of you being the bad guy and get in touch with his own feelings on this. At the minute you are providing him with a lightening rod to deal with what are presumably complex feelings and in you being the one resisting it, he is probably not having to really interrogate his own feelings about it. If he really had no concerns, in my view he wouldn’t be angry and he would be more likely to say ‘I think you’re wrong but I’ll respect your views and she can just visit with me’. The anger suggests to me that he knows you’re right.

Good luck!

paddy's_mum

pollypenny wrote: »

You're lucky your husband hasn't been corrupted, for want of a better word.

But it sounds as though he has been since clearly he thinks there is nothing to worry about and is happy to be actively putting his own daughter at risk! That's what the dispute between the parents is actually all about, not past dislike or he said she said.

OP - I cannot tell you how strongly I support your viewpoint and your concerns. It has been my experience in life that the feeling of unease that you cannot find the words to convey to someone else in words is usually 100% plus accurate.

Good luck. Better safe than sorry.

Debbie1980

you Are in a difficult situation and I don’t disagree with any of the actions or opinions you have.

With regards to your husband not thinking there is a problem, does he, now as an adult, think his father showing him !!!!!! aged 9 was wrong? As a father, does he think showing his own child !!!!!! at that age would be the actions of a good father? I’m curious as to what he thinks does cross the line if he thinks his father’s actions so far are not an issue.

TBagpuss

I think your first duty is to protect your child, and that the concerns you have about your FIL are serious enough that ensuring he is not alone with her is an appropriate response.

While it is understandable that your husband would feel less able to see his father's behaviour objectively than you are , it's also very worrying that he isn't willing / able to see how inappropriate his father's actions with regard to the !!!!!! were, even if he can't accept any of the rest.

On a practical level, you could contact Social Services for advice, one option might be to talk about what you can do to support your daughter and give her tools to protect herself - most social services will be able to discuss what is known as 'keep safe' work where children can be given age-appropriate training about things like good and bad secrets, appropriate touching, how and when to say no etc. It's not a bad idea for any child, but could be particularly helpful for your daughter, especially as you can't rely on your husband to see what is or is not appropriate.

Perhaps also speak to your husband and explicitly say that you are not looking to stop your daughter seeing her grandparents but that she cannot be alone with them in light of his dad's known inappropriate behaviour (the !!!!!! he showed to your husband as a child, and the fact that he looked for schoolgirl !!!!!! )

Partialpolly

If I’m being 100% honest my husband is a product of his upbringing and it’s taken me 15 years him to a place where he sees the problem with some of his upbringing.
My mother in law is in complete denial. I have asked my husband if he can hand on heart say that he trusts his father with our daughter, if he is convinced the foster child was lying. He said no to both but yet seems to have had his head turned by his mother and now beleives this is just me being “a twisted cow” and trying to keep them away.
I have said they are welcome to see her either at my home or theirs with one of us present at all times. It’s not acceptable to them, as they see it as me being controlling.
I have told him tonight that I’m not making this an issue, they are. I will not put my child in danger to placate his parents. His mother has suggested he divorce me and he and my daughter can move in with them.
My child comes first. It’s also enabled me to have a chat with her, no reference to grandad..but to say about anyone does anything that makes you uncomfortable you tell me, we agreed no secrets ever.

onwards&upwards

Are you happy with this man who calls you a twisted cow?