In law help

Partialpolly

Posting on a new account so hopefully no one is indentifable.
I’m in need of some constructive, impartial advice from all you sensible people.
Long story so I’ll keep it short.

Been married for 15 years, have never got on with in-laws...my mother in law has all the traits of narcissism and tbh I have just kept my distance and smiled when I needed to.

Husband and I are at loggerheads over my father in law...back story the in-laws were foster carers... have had 2 of the children removed from their care due to issues..stemming from the kids being unruly..but in reality it was mymorher in law being a control freak...or so I thought.
Latest child to be removed has made allegations regarding father in law being sexually inappropriate..of course he denies it.. and as far as I’m aware no further action was taken by social services.
Here’s the crux of it. I don’t believe he’s an innocent as he claims. There have been various instances where his behaviour towards the girl in question has raised my hackles. Just things I felt inappropriate for a grown man to be saying and doing around a child... couple that with the fact he used our internet when staying over Xmas...his internet searches were in my opinion out of order (searching adult sites for schoolgirl themed material)
I have now voiced my concerns..and been cut off by husbands family (along with my mil looking for an excuse to do this for years..)
I have a 12 year old daughter and don’t feel comfortable leaving her around them...certainly not alone..ever... this has led to them not seeing her for over a year..although husband visits them...
It’s causing issues between us...husband thinks I’m completely out of order...preventing them seeing her etc...I’m not..they just will never be alone with her.
So, am I out of order? I am unwilling to go against my gut feeling here...my child comes before my in laws feelings..but why in the name of Christ can’t my husband see this?

If you got this far thanks for reading

Comms69

Not sure what advice to give as this is a situation that you and your husband need to discuss and agree on.


Unless his internet use featured illegal material it's not really relevant. And social services don't just ignore such complaints, in fact the SOP would be a safeguarding investigation involving the police.

Gavin83

Partialpolly wrote: »

Here’s the crux of it. I don’t believe he’s an innocent as he claims. There have been various instances where his behaviour towards the girl in question has raised my hackles. Just things I felt inappropriate for a grown man to be saying and doing around a child...

Such as?

How old was the girl out of interest?

Partialpolly wrote: »

couple that with the fact he used our internet when staying over Xmas...his internet searches were in my opinion out of order (searching adult sites for schoolgirl themed material)

Technically speaking as long as the searches weren't illegal there's nothing wrong with this. I'm assuming the women in the !!!!!! were at least 18.

Partialpolly wrote: »

I have now voiced my concerns..and been cut off by husbands family (along with my mil looking for an excuse to do this for years..)

Who did you voice these concerns to?

Partialpolly wrote: »

but why in the name of Christ can’t my husband see this?

Because he doesn't believe his father has done anything wrong.

Ultimately there's too possibilities here. Either he has done something wrong and therefore you're likely right in keeping a close eye on it. Or he hasn't done anything wrong and you're using this as an excuse to keep the distance as you don't like him.

To look at this from your husbands POV if this was your own father would you be taking the same actions?

Also what were the nature of the allegations?

Mojisola

Partialpolly wrote: »

Husband and I are at loggerheads over my father in law.

Latest child to be removed has made allegations regarding father in law being sexually inappropriate..of course he denies it.. and as far as I’m aware no further action was taken by social services.

Here’s the crux of it. I don’t believe he’s an innocent as he claims. There have been various instances where his behaviour towards the girl in question has raised my hackles. Just things I felt inappropriate for a grown man to be saying and doing around a child... couple that with the fact he used our internet when staying over Xmas...his internet searches were in my opinion out of order (searching adult sites for schoolgirl themed material)

I have a 12 year old daughter and don’t feel comfortable leaving her around them...certainly not alone..ever...

I know watching !!!!!! doesn't mean that people intend to act out what they see but I would be very uncomfortable with the situation.

Add together the girl's claim, your own observations and his interest in schoolgirl-themed !!!!!! and I wouldn't be leaving my daughter with him either.

I don't think that I would have cut off contact completely but would have always made sure that I was present and have had the usual chat with daughter about "if anyone, anyone at all, ever makes you feel uncomfortable or says things that don't feel right, talk to me".

gwynlas

I agree with your stance that yo do not want her to be in a position of potential danger but why as this become an issue now?

If your husband regularly visits it would be natural for him to ask your daughter if she wants to come?

That way she is not alone with in laws.

If they ask her to visit alone or stay over surely she is of an age where she can say no or challenge inappropriate behavior.

I'm sure that she is aware of stranger danger this is just an extension of this ie danger from any adult known to child/

borkid

Just to give a little from my own life. When I was in my teens my dad used to take just a little too long over the goodnight kiss, brush up just a little too close, said in appropriate comments about my clothes, put it into words it sounds like nothing but I sensed something not right but as he was a bully and violent I just tried to avoid any chance of it happening. Left home as soon as I could support myself. I never let my 2 children , girl and boy, alone with him.


I can see where the OP is coming from.

groovy_chick

The worse kind of abuse comes from someone you are supposed to be able to trust and we are brought up to believe we can trust members of our family. That, coupled with the fear of saying something that will upset other members of your family, means that a potential abuser has easy access to a vulnerable person who has the potential to keep their secrets.

For me, the !!!!!! search history would have been enough to never want my daughter to be in the same room as her grandfather ever again - what on earth was he doing watching !!!!!! when staying in someone else's home anyway??? Adding on the allegations and what the OP has witnessed just add more weight to her argument.

It may be difficult for her husband to take a stand against his father, but I would expect his paternal drive to protect his daughter to override any loyalty he has to his dad.

Pollycat

Partialpolly wrote: »

Posting on a new account so hopefully no one is indentifable.
I’m in need of some constructive, impartial advice from all you sensible people.
Long story so I’ll keep it short.

Been married for 15 years, have never got on with in-laws...my mother in law has all the traits of narcissism and tbh I have just kept my distance and smiled when I needed to.

Husband and I are at loggerheads over my father in law...back story the in-laws were foster carers... have had 2 of the children removed from their care due to issues..stemming from the kids being unruly..but in reality it was mymorher in law being a control freak...or so I thought.
Latest child to be removed has made allegations regarding father in law being sexually inappropriate..of course he denies it.. and as far as I’m aware no further action was taken by social services.
Here’s the crux of it. I don’t believe he’s an innocent as he claims. There have been various instances where his behaviour towards the girl in question has raised my hackles. Just things I felt inappropriate for a grown man to be saying and doing around a child... couple that with the fact he used our internet when staying over Xmas...his internet searches were in my opinion out of order (searching adult sites for schoolgirl themed material)
I have now voiced my concerns..and been cut off by husbands family (along with my mil looking for an excuse to do this for years..)
I have a 12 year old daughter and don’t feel comfortable leaving her around them...certainly not alone..ever... this has led to them not seeing her for over a year..although husband visits them...
It’s causing issues between us...husband thinks I’m completely out of order...preventing them seeing her etc...I’m not..they just will never be alone with her.
So, am I out of order? I am unwilling to go against my gut feeling here...my child comes before my in laws feelings..but why in the name of Christ can’t my husband see this?

If you got this far thanks for reading

I'm confused.
Is this a recent thing or did it happen over a year ago?

If you're not preventing your daughter from seeing her paternal grandparents, why hasn't she seen them for over a year?

If he stayed at your house over Christmas, doesn't that mean he has seen your daughter within a year?
Or wasn't she in the house during their stay?

Why does your husband think you're stopping your daughter seeing her paternal grandparents if you just don't want her being alone with her grandfather?
It sounds like you are both at cross purposes.
Have you even discussed this calmly and sensibly?

Did you discuss your concerns with your husband about his Father before voicing those concerns or did you just say it without his knowledge?
If he was totally unaware of your concerns, I can understand him not being best pleased.
I'm not dissing your concerns about your daughter but I'm not sure you've gone about this in the best way.

Partialpolly

Happened a year ago, I voiced my concerns to my in laws, re the schoolgirl/barely legal searches he had undertaken on our computer whilst staying here..the girl who made accusations was 14. He often sat her on his knee... patted her bottom and made comments about her appeared in front of us. He then, according to her, bought her a Halloween school girl outfit to wear. All kept from his wife.
My in-laws are refusing to see their granddaughter as I said no to them being alone with her. She’s not welcome at their house, or they won’t come to us.
Husband is blaming me, for , in his words..accusing his dad of being a !!!!!phile. Which I haven’t done. I said he was inappropriate.
Thank you for the replies, helps me to see things from other points of view.
Also, just to add, I do not like either of them, but up until this, I hadn’t stopped them seeing their granddaughter, they even had her for weekends etc. This is my view changes everything. Also, yes we’re this my dad I would do the same. Completely.
I just don’t see how I can convince my husband

Partialpolly

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm confused.
Is this a recent thing or did it happen over a year ago?

If you're not preventing your daughter from seeing her paternal grandparents, why hasn't she seen them for over a year?

If he stayed at your house over Christmas, doesn't that mean he has seen your daughter within a year?
Or wasn't she in the house during their stay?

Why does your husband think you're stopping your daughter seeing her paternal grandparents if you just don't want her being alone with her grandfather?
It sounds like you are both at cross purposes.
Have you even discussed this calmly and sensibly?

Did you discuss your concerns with your husband about his Father before voicing those concerns or did you just say it without his knowledge?
If he was totally unaware of your concerns, I can understand him not being best pleased.
I'm not dissing your concerns about your daughter but I'm not sure you've gone about this in the best way.

Sorry I’m confusing in my explanation. The adult website thing was before the allegations made. So not last Xmas. But year before.
It was my husband who found the webpages on the search history. He found it amusing. I didn’t, then later the next year the allegations were made against him

Mojisola

Partialpolly wrote: »

the girl who made accusations was 14. He often sat her on his knee... patted her bottom and made comments about her appeared in front of us. He then, according to her, bought her a Halloween school girl outfit to wear.

I just don’t see how I can convince my husband

Does your husband think this behaviour is okay or is he refusing to believe that his Dad acts like this?