Aspergers/ASD support thread

mrcow

I think you need to give him a choice. He may well think that he's in the right (as do 99% of all people), but by trying to prove his point by shouting and swearing at family members, he's crossing over the line. If you're not shouting and swearing at him, then he has no right to do it to you.

Aspergers or not, he is big enough to understand that perfectly.

If he has a problem, then he should raise it calmly. If he is finding things too stressful to deal with immediately, then going to his room to cool down and then coming back to discuss things when he has had time to do so is a perfectly reasonable expectation.

You're making the rules clear. He then needs to choose for himself. He either wants to live with the rules or he doesn't. You can't make him behave......no more than you can make anyone do anything.....it has to come from him. If he's kicking off and being disrespectful, well that's crossing the line. Your husband is right in the fact that it can't continue like that. But I think you need to make it clear that he is the one who is going to be making the choice as to whether he is going to start behaving reasonably or not.

jackieglasgow

But mrcow, its not always easy for people with Aspergers to see the choice, or know how to make the right one or even a rational decision, which is why I think he may need some outside help.

patchwork_cat

My DS doesn't have AS and is 17, but his behaviour sounds very like your DS. He will snap at you for nothing, if you tackle him about the snapping he will swear and shout with very little provocation. I am a believer in shades of grey when it comes to things like Autism, aspergers, dyslexia and dyspraxia as both my children will fulfill some criteria for all of these conditions, however some teenagers are very difficult and it is not down to parenting.
Only take advice on a forum like this about parenting a teen from those that are doing it, too! You wouldn't take advice from a forum on how to breastfeed your baby from someone who has never done it, the same with teens. Hence my starting with the fact that my DS doesn't have AS, but he is a teen!

mirry

cant beleive how theraputic this forum has been for me
and its lovely to see all points of view.

I think its true that its
wrong for him to treat us the way he does,
but there is always this concern
does he not understand because of the AS.
His thinking is very black and white.

But common sence tells me , at the end of the day ...
being abusive is plain wrong and if he doesnt understand that,
then somehow we have to push for him to be taught this.
I think its best to come from someone outside of the family who has an understanding of AS.

starnight_2

I don't have anything else to suggest to you mirry but just letting you know I read and *hugs*. Keep the idea of therapy in mind, and I would also say (though I know your DS doesn't want to) encourage him to socialise as it will help him in the long run.

starnight_2

I would also be questioning how often it happens, and I would also want to know why he couldn't join in. I understand it's hard for hiim to concentrate, especially for any great length of time, but surely he could do it for a few minutes with the rest of the class before being allowed to do something on his own. I would also want to know what he was doing during this time, was it something constructive? I like mumpig's idea of a box of things he could access during this time.






On another note, I had to laugh the other day as I was told by DS dvd's are not real. Apparently the dvd's we have are not the same ones he had watched in the cinema (these are bought and paid for dvd's), so in his words "DVD's are fake, but I don't know why they change them." :rotfl:
Oh and he didn't like the chicken I gave him last night because it was different and from a different shop. Sometimes, if I didn't laugh I'd cry.

Mics_chick

I'm new to all this Mirry coz my son is only 5 and was diagnosed just a week or so ago but had a few thoughts that I wanted to share just in case they might help.

The paediatrician gave me details of Befriending and Sitting schemes in my local area so I wondered if your GP might me able to find out similar information for you in your area...
The Befriending scheme is what some has already mentioned you trying to do with a young male relative but with a volunteer instead. I know you said your DS does not like to socialise at all but maybe he might if a volunteer saw him at home 2 or 3 times first to help it face up to it.
The Sitting scheme is exactly what it says - sitting for a child or young person (which describes your DS ) to give parents/carers a much needed break

I mentioned our difficulties with disciplining our DS and that we sometimes end up smacking him in anger coz we just snap if we're having a bad day (both my OH and I suffer with depression). I know smacking isn't good especially with ASD kids but that's why I mentoned it at all
Anyway as a result of that we've been referred to Social Care to assess our situation and see what if any help/support they can offer us.
My OH's brother has learning difficulties and is over 40 but he still has a social worker in order to help and support him and his parents who are both 75+ so is it worth asking to be referred as a family by your GP?
I was very nervous and worried when the paediatrician mentioned it but I've only received good feedback about it when I started a thread to ask about it on here

Does he like using the computer, writing or drawing to help channel his feelings in a positive way by putting down his feelings on paper or on the computer or drawing a picture to illustrate his fustration or maybe he might have another "positive" outlet like music, exercise, etc?
It just that getting your feelings out on paper and then destroying it in some way can help to lift the burden of a problem - it's an exercise that's used in mainstream psychotherapy for treatment of allsorts of problems.
I also read a few years ago about a mildly autistic guy who was married with kids but he struggled to express his feelings and that caused problems with his wife and children (especially as they got older) so one solution was for him to write a letter (on paper or on the computer again) to help him to verbalise what he was feeling inside. It helped them all enormously to become closer

I dunno if any of that is of any help but I hope you get help or find a solution soon

Mics_chick

To answer the peeps who responded to my query about the situation with my son at school - I understand why they might need to occupy my son with something that will keep him absorbed if they need to pay attention to the class as a whole.
His abilities are way above his peers so he might not be able to join in with the exercise the rest of them had to do.
He can be very critical of others sometimes - once he told my OH (his dad) that all the kids in his old class (ie Reception) were numpties coz they couldn't read!!!
Also his concentration for something he doesn't really want to do is really rubbish so he might last 10 minutes if they are very lucky so it might mean they have to devote alot of their attention in keeping him engaged rather than helping all the other children.

I understand all that and am not worried by him doing something on his own if they need the rest of the class to be quiet and concentrate hard but I don't want him sat in a corner playing with any old thing instead of a constructive activity that they know will absorb him iyswim.

Savvy_Sue

mirry, if things are very black and white to your son, then try to be very black and white back to him.

Shouting and swearing at other people is a no-no. At home, no-one shouts and swears at him, so he must not shout and swear at anyone. It's not something that's up for discussion, it's just the way it is, and actually, having AS should make it easier to live by 'the rules'.

Why not say that if he wants to shout and swear, he can go and do it in the garden (as long as there are no young children nearby to pick up his language!), or in his bedroom. When he stops shouting and swearing, conversation can be resumed. Move away when he shouts and swears, reminding him that you don't have to listen to shouting and swearing. SING while ignoring him!

Good luck - some of it is 'just' normal teenage behaviour, btw.

anewman

Oh dear, reading above reminds me of me at that age. I was a bit of a nightmare during my teenage years, found it hard to express myself and often resorted to stupid pointless temper tantrums which no doubt scared my mum and sister to death (sorry mum and sister). The hormones probably didn't help The bright side is that I eventually matured quite quickly with some more mistakes along the way. And now I am left thinking of the 30 or so year old who (same sort of age as me) moved into an adjacent flat, turned it into all night party and cannabis central and his mum took the flat keys off him and kicked him out as she was guarantor. I'm glad I am nothing like that.