Would it be right to ask for money instead of gifts for a wedding?

iwanttosave_2

Please don't get a wishing well, they are pure tack.

A post box is better. http://www.carolmillerdesigns.co.uk/postboxes.htm

Very easy to make your own and can be incorperated into your theme as well.

PayPeanuts_2

There is a difference between gifts and money. The difference is clear if you think as an adult would it be ok for me to go to all my colleagues, family and friends and say 'I dont want birthday presents this year, can I have your cash instead please?'

In my opinion a wedding gift should be a token to celebrate a marriage not make up over a months wages if you are struggling with your living expenses. If they are contributing towards a 'joint present' like a tandem bicycle or a bathroom suite thats a bit different.

You have asked what people think is right but in the end only you and future husband know your family and friends well enough to know how they would feel about this. You have to do what is right for you! I wish you best of luck x

melancholly

PayPeanuts wrote: »

There is a difference between gifts and money. The difference is clear if you think as an adult would it be ok for me to go to all my colleagues, family and friends and say 'I dont want birthday presents this year, can I have your cash instead please?'

i now feel left out - for birthdays i wouldn't even expect a present from friends and colleagues. it's an excuse to go to the pub and i might get some drinks bought for me, but that's it!

i think i must live in melancholly-miser world, where you don't give away money or gifts except when it's for family at birthdays and christmas...! and then give a bit for friends who get married. maybe if i gave money to people at every event in their life, i'd resent wedding gifts/money more! it can't just be that i'm a total tight fisted individual, as none of my friends/colleagues do this (combined presents for babies excluded, where we all put a few pounds in!).

masterkay

pipkin71 wrote: »

I agree with most of what you say masterkay, apart from if bs is going to use the money for living expenses, I think it would be only fair that she does tell people, as they then have the option to donate.

That is morally wrong if all the guests are not aware that that is what the donations are for.

I totally agree. I was making a point (not very well) which was gift money should not be used as general life expenses. Idea was to make people think if I don't want to tell people what I am using the money for I shouldn't be using it for that. Also if you did use it for living expenses and were honest about it I think many people may find it cheeky, I certainly do.

I think people resent weddings because on the whole they cost a lot not just the gift and the gift has to be big and the gift often seems unnecessary because they have everything.

Also I find my weddings come at the same time as:
one or both of the couples getting a new job which means lets go out for a meal to celebrate and everyone else pay for us, give us a card and maybe some champagne
buying/moving into a new home which means buying something homey because you can't go empty handed to the house warming and that's on top of the food and drink you've been asked to bring.
baby quite frequently follows marriage
and all this maybe just 6 months after you forked out on an engagement present
and of course then you have the normal birthdays and christmas presents

Weddings alone have cost me over £2000 this year and that does not include engagement presents (couple hundred)
New home presents another hundred at least
New jobs again another hundred
then we have the bog standard birthdays and christmas presents which I refuse to add up as I may become a hermit and avoid seeing people.

There is always an event to go to and it seems the thing to do is bring a present.

This is maybe why people resent it.

If the people you know are busy buying houses, changing jobs, getting married you probably won't see them so you might only see them to give gifts and then that just seems pointless.

There is a limit to how much you can give. Even if you aren't in debt or struggling and can afford it you shouldn't feel obliged to give gifts for every non-event of peoples' lives. Not saying marriage is a non-event but new jobs and new home, especially when people change jobs every 6 months and get a new house every couple of years, do not need to celebrated the way they are. This really belongs in another thread.

FZwanab

I didn't ask for money or have a list when I got married and we got a lot of money and only a few gifts. Some people asked my parents or asked my oh parents what to get us and in those instances our parents suggested money or vouchers, but I felt better that we weren't asking for it ourselves. Anyone who asked our parents were close relatives who were more likely to give bigger amounts anyway. I only got one present that I wasn't fond of but I was so happy to see that person at my wedding that I could have cared less.

Soubrette

I really am flummoxed as to the big deal about where the money goes - you give a gift (whether money or a present) and that's it - it's gone, it's no longer yours.

If someone genuinely wanted to use my gift of money for general living expenses because they felt they had to, then I would actually give a bit more than I would if I thought they had plenty of the stuff and were buying a luxury item (I'm not sure why but 'hot tub' springs to mind )

Another way of looking at it is that an amount of money has just been spent on a wedding, chipping in some cash even retrospectively will be helping to pay for what's hopefully someone else's dream. (it appeals to the fairy godmother deep deep inside of me :rotfl: )

After all you don't have to use the exact same fiver that someone's given you for it to be a gift or a help from that person do you?

I dunno, maybe for some people you do

In short, I may be in the minority, but I would not find it cheeky if someone felt the need to use my gift of money for necessities rather than luxuries. In fact I'd rather someone in need used it for necessities rather than used it for a luxury and got into or further into debt.

Sou

jackieb

Going by this thread, if your guests are anything like us at MSE, some will be okay being asked for money, but quite a few are going to be a bit peeved.

VickyA_2

I know I've mentioned it on other threads before, but in our invitations we didn't include any information about gift lists. The invitations were "officially" from my parents and my mum didn't feel comfortable about "expecting" people to buy us presents. As it was, most people wanted details of the gift list and my aunts and uncles wanted to know what we were "collecting" (ie which Denby service ).

Edinburghlass_2

FZwanab wrote: »

I didn't ask for money or have a list when I got married and we got a lot of money and only a few gifts. Some people asked my parents or asked my oh parents what to get us and in those instances our parents suggested money or vouchers, but I felt better that we weren't asking for it ourselves. Anyone who asked our parents were close relatives who were more likely to give bigger amounts anyway. I only got one present that I wasn't fond of but I was so happy to see that person at my wedding that I could have cared less.

According to BS her in-laws don't approve of giving money themselves so they would presumably be suggesting a gift (if asked) if there is a list.

Soubrette

kimevans wrote: »

Sou
I think the point is traditionally people give gifts to "help the new couple set up home".
Nowadays so many live together first this is not the way it is.

I know, Kim, I believe I actually mentioned this in another post on this thread. My husband to be and I specifically said - no presents, we don't need them, we don't want them, we want to be with you to celebrate the fact that we are getting married. People ignored this - something I actually find to be a bit rude myself but overlookable because I know their hearts in the right place albeit their hearing and understanding is a bit off

kimevans wrote: »

However I think people still like to do the traditional thing & provide a gift for the home,

You're not kidding. People want to do the traditional thing even when you've expressly asked them not to :mad:

kimevans wrote: »

even if you say you have it all Black-Saturn I REALLY DOUBT YOU DO. You may have all you need, but people aren't going to provide you with more necessities if you write a gift list, they will give you luxury items that you hope to get around to buying one day & EVERYONE has a list of these. I'm talking about upgrading things you already have. Or get choose a nice Denby set & people can buy a bit each. Things like that.

Is there something going on here that I don't know about :huh: How do you know if Black-Saturn has it all? Do you know her? I cannot imagine anything more irritating than owning a bit of a dinner service. Someone suggested for my wedding that I have a dinner service for 'best' but I have one that I really like anyway - that's why I use it daily. Some people don't feel the need to upgrade etc.

kimevans wrote: »

You will find that is the type of gift people expect to & are happy to buy. Not pay your household bills. Sorry but the majority of answers on this thread have expresed that.

Let me get this straight, you would rather buy someone a piece of Denby to eat their value beans on their value white bread toast from rather than know they've spent the tenner on food with more substance and possibly nutrition? (Again not talking about BS here, I have no idea if her choices are that stark)

I know I'm a minority view here I like being unusual and 'stuff' is pretty pointless to me in general. The need to upgrade is not strong I'm not sorry that some people have expressed almost horror at forking out cash, or even taken the trouble to explain why they don't like it. However apology accepted if it makes you feel any the better

kimevans wrote: »

Vouchers are not too bad, as people know you will put it towards a household item. Like you could ask for M&S vouchers & put it towards a pair of sofas. & tell people your plans (of what you want to purchase) & when you thank them update them.

Let's hope the ungrateful couple don't use their M&S vouchers to put food on their table then? Or is luxury food ok?

kimevans wrote: »

Asking for cash is just not nice. Its almost like charging for their attendance or having your guests reimburse you for your wedding.

Or help to pay to make a dream come true, or a deposit for a house. Or more prosaically stop someone getting into debt or help them out of it (I'm not talking about BS here - just in general). Oh no, I'm sure you'd rather buy them a denby azure tea cup and side plate :rotfl:

kimevans wrote: »

If you really need "nothing" for your home, then why are you asking for gifts at all? After all you have no need of them?

Again, this makes me a little bit tons of people get gifts they have no need of - for some reason a steaming hot tub is popping into my mind. In fact you yourself suggest upgrading things - these aren't needs they are luxuries, you seem to be saying on one hand that luxury gifts are the 'nice' kind of gift but on the other hand unless you 'need' something then you shouldn't be asking?

Again I think you misunderstand the OP, I read it as instead of gifts could I ask for money - not charge an admission fee on the door. Buying a gift isn't compulsory and I assume nor would a monetary gift.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, I'm mostly having a bit of a poke because it seems to me (and I may be wrong) that there is a history between you and BS but that you have no problem insulting all the other posters who have admitted to asking for money for their weddings so long as you get a jab at her.

Now that's not nice

Thanks for calling me Sou though - it makes me feel part of the gang

Sou