Would it be right to ask for money instead of gifts for a wedding?

Soubrette

melancholly wrote: »

i now feel left out - for birthdays i wouldn't even expect a present from friends and colleagues. it's an excuse to go to the pub and i might get some drinks bought for me, but that's it!

i think i must live in melancholly-miser world, where you don't give away money or gifts except when it's for family at birthdays and christmas...! and then give a bit for friends who get married. maybe if i gave money to people at every event in their life, i'd resent wedding gifts/money more! it can't just be that i'm a total tight fisted individual, as none of my friends/colleagues do this (combined presents for babies excluded, where we all put a few pounds in!).

I think I live in this world too - I like it :cool:

Sou

Soubrette

kimevans wrote: »

Sorry but the majority of answers on this thread have expresed that.

Sorry to revisit your post so quickly Kim - but this part of it kind of bugged me as it seemed to me that the majority of people didn't seem to think it was a bad idea. However, I'm ready to admit that I may be a tad biased and wondered if I was misreading the post and discounting other people's opinions. Easy to do when you think you're representing the moral majority

So I went and had a look at the thread and counted those who said they wouldn't mind and those who said they would mind (trying not to count those who posted more than once and not very scientifically).

It is true that the latter group are more vociferous than the former who don't really seem to mind - but which group do you think is actually in the majority? By a reasonable majority?

Sou

pipkin71

Or help to pay to make a dream come true, or a deposit for a house. Or more prosaically stop someone getting into debt or help them out of it (I'm not talking about BS here - just in general). Oh no, I'm sure you'd rather buy them a denby azure tea cup and side plate :rotfl:

Its really up to the groom (or couple) to pay for their dream honeymoon. Its also up to the couple to find their own deposit & pay their own debts.

Black Saturn has already mentioned many many times that she has no debts, and her OH no longer has any debts since he met her, so they wont be in debt come the wedding.

As it takes six weeks for OH to get a transfer and he is moving in May / June, he will be back in work by the time the wedding comes around in September.

I personally don't think it's right for two people who will both be working, have no debts, no rent or mortgage to pay to want money to top up their living expenses. It doesn't seem right.

Soubrette

I do like to be called Sou

The insulting bit is saying that asking for money is not nice when people have posted that they have indeed asked for money.

I'm at a loss to see how this could not be insulting and somewhat hurtful even from a stranger on an internet board.

I see that you would rather buy a present that pleases you rather than the recipient. Again, that puzzles me greatly. Personally I'd rather give a gift that was appreciated - but as you pointed out, you, at least, consider me in the minority.

Apologies for not realising that you were talking to BS (although you must realise that if you do not consider it 'nice' for her to ask for money then you must consider it 'not nice' when other people do and have done this).

If you don't know her and have no history then I am even more puzzled as to the assumptions you make about her :huh:

But I think I shall have to leave it here as we are in danger of derailing BS's thread when we obviously disagree at a fundamental and unchangeable level regarding the exchange of gifts

Sou

Soubrette

kimevans wrote: »

PS, there are other posters on this thread:rolleyes:

I'm not sure what this means I looked at all the posts in this thread and for BS's info (or anyone else who wants to ask for money) I found 17 posters didn't mind, 10 posters did mind and I didn't count those who expressed no opinion.

So I looked at all the posters? What did you....

No I will not be tricked into posting more

I agree with you re the kid gloves - far more than I ever imagined :eek:

Sou

pipkin71

Soubrette wrote: »

I found 17 posters didn't mind, 10 posters did mind and I didn't count those who expressed no opinion.
Sou

Although I personally don't think it's right to ask for money for living expenses, I would be happier to contribute towards a 'big' gift rather than buy something the couple didn't want.

If black saturn is honest with her guests and tells them the money is for living expenses, then they will have the option to contribute. Perhaps something in the invite along the lines of

"As you know, my OH has recently moved here and we have had to live on one income for six weeks. Although he is working now, would guests like to donate some money so we can pay off bills that accumulated during the time he wasn't working."

Gforce_2

pipkin71 wrote: »

Although I personally don't think it's right to ask for money for living expenses, I would be happier to contribute towards a 'big' gift rather than buy something the couple didn't want.

If black saturn is honest with her guests and tells them the money is for living expenses, then they will have the option to contribute. Perhaps something in the invite along the lines of

"As you know, my OH has recently moved here and we have had to live on one income for six weeks. Although he is working now, would guests like to donate some money so we can pay off bills that accumulated during the time he wasn't working."

I can see where you're coming from but tbh I personally wouldn't want to contribute money if I knew it was just going to be spent on 'everyday expenses' in the same way that I wouldn't want to contribute towards the cost of the wedding. Afterall no one forces anyone to spend a small fortune on what is just one day.
I think wedding cash gifts should be spent on something special, spending money for the holiday of a lifetime or numerous special weekends/treats in the uk. You know, something that you wouldn't normally do that you could look back on, that would make you think of the person who gave you the gift in the first place.
I'd happily give a cash gift for the latter but not the former, but of course this is just my opinion.:snow_laug

melancholly

hmm.... this is actually quite an interesting debate in the end - it seems that people are happy to give money for things someone doesn't necessarily want/need, but not for everyday essentials that they might be desperate for. and that probably includes me - i'd feel a bit funny paying for someone else's bills...... but even though i think that, it makes no sense to me!!

if i get money at christmas from parents and grandparents it just goes into my bank account and helps pay for my bills..... i might use it to treat myself to something, but never the whole amount. so i guess i do this already myself, and my own double standards are something i can't really explain! perhaps it's different if it's family rather than friends, i don't know, but the posts on here have certainly made me think about my own opinions, and my complete lack of justifications for them!

then again, some friends got married and specifically said no gifts and suggested donating to a particular charity. we still bought a nice bottle of wine to take along as it felt 'wrong' to turn up empty handed. which makes no sense!!

to B-S - just do whatever you want. weddings always upset someone and don't let it be the bride in your case!! you've had enough trouble with other things for this to just be a tiny irrelevant detail. whatever you choose to do, anyone who makes you feel bad about it isn't worth worrying about!

seven-day-weekend

Haven't read the whole thread, but just would like to say , why don't you send something along the lines of you don't need any presents, but if anyone wishes to donate towards the cost of your new (whatever), there will be a collection bucket in the reception hall. That way people who can only give a little bit needn't feel embarrassed.

seven-day-weekend

When we had our silver wedding anniversary, we specifically said no gifts, but if you want to bring anything just bring a bottle of wine ....and we still got a load of silver things that we didn't want and have never used (although of course we said 'thankyou, how kind' when they were given to us). It seems such a shame that people have spent their money on things like this when requested not to.

We have our ruby wedding in 2011 and we certainly don't want everybody wasting their money on loads of red glass, so I think we'll say the same about the wine and also name a charity if anyone wants to give anything else.

This could be an option for the OP too.