Would it be right to ask for money instead of gifts for a wedding?

LouBlue

ikkleosu wrote: »

This is a topic very close to my heart as it's something I am contemplating at the moment for my wedding in August - what to ask for?

There are several factors that make it tricky for me.

1) My OH has his own place, and so we do have MOST of the usual housestuff. However the stuff we DON'T have is the very small specific things that seem tricky to get on a wedding list - eg potato peeler, masher, scales etc. Some you can get from Argos etc but not all. So i was just thinking of writing a list of all the kitchen stuff we need, and hoping for the best when it comes to duplicates.

2) I HATE luxury items. I know many on this thread have mentioned the "expsensive" versions of stuff you already have, and I have to be honest i really would NOt want those. I can't stand to see a duvet set costing £50 when I could have got one I liked perfectly well for £10. There is nothing I want, that i would like the expensive version more. And I'd just hate to have people spending money on something I really wouldn't appreciate enough (I don't mean appreciate as in don't thank them for, but appreciate as in really understand something's value).

3) THERE'S NO ROOM! LOL OH and I will be living in a one bedroomed flat and we both have a lot of "stuff" (OH is a huge RPG fan and has TONS of books on the subject, as well as lots of video games. I am arts and crafts gal, so have tons of materials. We both have LOTS of DVDs and CDs too). Neither of us are a fan of ornaments and frankly there is just no room for any. I am dreading getting lots of lovely but useless knick nacks, picture frames, vases etc. As it will be a case of TRYING to find room for them.

What my OH has said he'd really like, is that we get enough cash top buy a laptop (Around £400 say) because that would mean we would not have to try and find space for 2 PCs in the flat, and it would also mean he and I could both be in the same room while we do our respective hobbies/jobs.

So I'm trying to figure out, how to get all that into one gift giving polite and not cheeky request. Maybe a list of kitchen stuff, which will be reasonably short and at the bottom say something about pretty things are lovely but we really need practical stuff and if you'd rather, we'd happily accept cash/vouchers as we'd like to buy a latop? Would that sound really cheeky?

Show them this post.

Murtle

I haven't read all the responses to this but thought I'd add my tuppence after recently getting married.

1. If you really really don't want anything - offer up some charity options for guests to doante to.

2. If you really really want money, then ask for it, you may be aware that some family or friends may want to buy a gift - speak to them directly about your requirements for money. Don't be surprised if some give a gift not money.

3. If you want a gift list then use a gift list, if they are no online type people get someone to organise it for you and be a central point of contact for guests.

4. If you want a list, use something like http://www.whattogive.com rather then a store list as you can select items from different stores, but more importantly guests can shop around to buy the item at the best price! Especially when debenhams do 25% shopping days! People then promise you pressies from it....or partial amounts of items from it, if you set the item up that way.

5. As a guest, why would you go to a wedding if the person "offends" you? A gift "request" is a request, it doesn't mean what you give won't be appreciated. If it isn't appreciated, think twice about your friend!

We had people who were generous with money, with gifts, with vouchers.

More importantly we had friends who were generous with their time, and gave up a day/and night to spend the time with us. This really did mean much more to us!

Congratulations to those getting married though!!

xxx

FairyShazza

We had this conversation just a few weeks ago - we are getting married next October and as I had my own house up until a year ago we had double of everything anyway and currently have hardly any space for what we do have as our house is quite small. Most of our stuff is hand me downs though or is quite old. When we get married we will be selling this house and getting a larger house in a nicer area in preparation for having a family.

We have decided that we will basically put we are not expecting anyone to get a gift it is more important that people come to share our day but if people wish to get something then we have given a list of stores that people can get vouchers from to enable us to kit out the new house when we buy it.

I think asking for cash is a bit rude whereas I don't think asking for vouchers is quite so cheeky.

kbl

Hi, in Donegal we seem to do weddings a bit different, the weddings are usually pretty large (150 - 350 people), very few couples have wedding gift lists and it's traditional to give money. If you don't give a gift list with the invite, would your guests not presume you wanted money? I don't know, it's just the way I would think.

Timmne

I think I'll probably be going over old ground here - as the thread's a million pages long now I may have forgotten some of the older posts....

My thoughts are:

Two friends of ours got married this August just gone and didn't have any mention of gifts in the invitation and when I asked, the bride to be said "we don't want gifts" (in a better tone of course!), but obviously she was going to get some gifts regardless. She's now ended up with 12 (or 15, but I think she said 12!) DIFFERENT picture frames from guests, some with photos in (which makes it harder to display them) and some without. As they live in a small 2 bedroom flat, it's obviously a little hard for them to display the frames without them looking odd. She also received a lot of Champagne which is great of course, but with most of these Champagne bottles came a duo of flutes! So they now have lots of unmatching frames and lots of unmatching (is that a word?) Champagne flutes, all to go in their 2 bed flat!

Giving cash in my view is fine, and I don't really care what the couple spend it on - I think this is an age thing as I don't feel offended at all.... spending the money on living expenses does worry me slightly but it wouldn't stop me giving it though as I couldn't go to a wedding without giving a gift. I gave the above couple a gift that was worth more than they'd spent on me (another little thing I believe, that the gift should be a little more in value than the cost of me attending) and I have no idea what they spent it on.

If I had a gift list and asked for money, coupled with "don't feel you HAVE to buy us something" in the invitation, I would be a little annoyed at receiving anything else. It sounds ungrateful but as I live in a 2 bed flat too, I don't have the space to store things to keep visiting relatives happy when they want to see the gift they bought us. I'd much rather receive nothing than something that I had pretty much asked people not to get us! I think this view is also an age-based one; older people feel they MUST get a gift and sometimes thrust what they think is a lovely gift on the happy couple.

It's hard for the couple getting married to not think about the cost per head for people attending and so when a cash gift is given, I think it's natural to compare this to the cost per head - it's a little weird I know, but it's just numbers afterall.

I'm getting married later this year and this thread's provided me with some brilliant nuggets - I will be asking for cash or something from a gift list, or nothing at all - our big wedding is not something the guests should have to pay for and I don't want great aunty Nellie worrying about how much to give us as it'll compromise her attendance. (I don't have a great aunty Nellie; it's just an example BTW!)

The asking for cash though should be an honest, clear request though (learnt from this thread). I have to discuss my fees (I charge by the hour) with clients and being open and honest is always the most comfortable way of discussing money. Those little poems etc are a little embarassing and I'd think it was a pretty weak way of being asked for cash if I were the recipient!

Those paragraphs aren't meant to follow on from each other by the way; they're just my brainstorm, so apologies if it's a little bit annoying to read....

LouBlue

Not been on this thread for a bit. Any more thoughts BS?

I did come across these little poems to put in the invites if you are still asking for cash. Even though, not my thing, couple of them made me chuckle!!...if you like the idea of a poem, or anyone else in your predicament does, thought I would post them.

Our worldly possessions are plentiful as such,
On our wedding present list there really isn't much,
A gift of currency is all we ask, To help us on our lifelong task

---

We've been together a few years now;
We have pots and pans and linen and towels;
We have glasses and toasters, really quite a few;
So instead of more gifts, we suggest this to you;
If it doesn't offend and it won't send you running;
What we would really appreciate is quite simply money

---

"If you were thinking of giving a gift, to help us on our way.
A gift of cash towards our house, would really make our day.
However, if you prefer to purchase a gift, feel free to surprise us in your own way.

---

For a couple of years we’ve lived in sin,
we have a toaster, a kettle and a stainless steel bin,
saucepans and towels we have many,
corkscrews and flannels we don’t need any,
we just want you with us to celebrate our day,
but if you insist on a gift anyway,
What we’d really like is a gift of money,
we hope you don’t think we’re being funny!
We’ll put it all together and buy something that’s best,
as a reminder of our day and our wonderful guests!

---

We are sending out this invitation,
And hope you will join our celebration.
If to send a gift is your intention,
In modesty we would like to mention,
We have already got a kettle and a toaster,
Crockery, dinner mats and coasters,
So rather than something we have already got,
Please give us money for our saving pot.
But, most importantly, we request,
That you turn up as our wedding guest

pavlovs_dog

BS has apparantly been AWOL since 18th december

LouBlue

pavlovs_dog wrote: »

BS has apparantly been AWOL since 18th december

Oh. Hope she's ok.

princesspoppypop

I think the thing to remember here is that if you get an invitation with a note/poem about money , the couple aren`t demanding money but just mentioning that if people want to give a gift then money would be appreciated. I do not see a problem with this... I went to a few weddings last year and the couples have asked for either money or Next/B&Q vouchers. No one is saying you actually have to give any gift at all and if you choose to make a gift or buy something for the couple then thats great and Im sure anything would be greatly appreciated. I think one thing to remember is everyone has different tastes when it comes to housey things and you may love a duvet set/cutlery set/ hand painted teapot! but the couple may think its totally vile and feel obliged to have it in their house!

I cant remember exactly what the gift requests were in the invitations I got were but one was along the lines of "Your presence is more important than your presents, but if you would like to help us towards a week in the sun this would be great"

Marriage is about what it means to the couple and really presents are not important in the grand scheme of things... this often gets forgotten when diva strops and panic sets in...

Uniscots97

Hope Black-saturn's ok.

I got invited to a wedding last year, a good friend of mine (his second wedding, her first). There was a note in the invitation that said

"As you know we've put 2 houses into 1 and as a result we have more potato peelers/crockery/tea towels than we need in a lifetime. Now as you also know we've just moved into a new house together, we'd like to replace the kitchen and the bathroom at some point (sorry pink tiles aren't my thing!). So if you'd like to give us a hand, a donation no matter how small would be very greatly appreciated (I plan to put my haggling skills into use at the builders yard and plumbers merchants and don't want to waste hard earned cash (either yours or ours) in rip offs like B&Q, Homebase and Wilkes etc.... Ok, I can hear you all laughing now calling me a tight a***!)."

It made us all laugh, every donation no matter how small was greatly appreciated. We all got a thank you card about 8 weeks later with a photo in it of lots of boxes, cables, pots of paint etc with the caption "you've helped us with our dream, thank you for being a fantastic friend (remember where we live in case you fancy helping out with the painting :-) )".

I think now though as most couples live together before getting married its going to become the norm for money or vouchers to get asked for. I'll never forget a wedding I was at a number of years ago. The bride and groom were opening some presents at the reception (not realising there were a few guests at the entrance to the side room where the gifts were). The bride opened one gift (a very hideous colour-clashing vase) and said to her new husband " omg we can't have this in the house, its disgusting. It can go to the charity shop I'm not having it in our house!". She hadn't realised that the person who gave them it was standing with us at the door. The lady calmly walked over, took the vase and said "Well my dear if my taste isn't yours then I'm sorry, you should have been clearer about what you did and did not want on your wedding invitation (they didn't put any list or wants/don't wants). I'll take this back and get a refund since you think its so disgusting". Since then any wedding I've been invited to i've always checked as i'd rather get them something they did want (even if its money) than something that they didn't like!