Would it be right to ask for money instead of gifts for a wedding?

zztopgirl

Ive been thinking this over for a few days, please dont flame me.

Ive married twice, my 1st wedding, i didnt do a list or expect anything, people got us glass, crockery, etc(my ex still has it all:mad:). My 2nd, i really didnt expect anything, we had set up home together, and i wrote in the invites that i appreicated people coming and wouldnt expect them to buy gifts.

What upset me was nobody even bothered to give us a card. People who couldnt come to the wedding sent us vouchers and cards. There was the small matter of my husband having a serious accident just before our wedding:eek:(which was hastily re-arranged) but all those who were invited, couldnt even send their best wishes. I would much prefer somebody to give their best wishes and congratulations over a gift(no matter even if it cost £1).

zztopgirl

A friend came round just as i was typing that last post, and i didnt get to finish!

Anyway, we had a wedding blessing last year to compensate for our speedy wedding. We got loads of cards, hugs, love, etc, etc:beer:. We were given money as unexpected gifts as well, which was a huge bonus(we had a very mse day!). Another long story, but the guests invited to the wedding, werent invited to the blessing(they were mil's guests, she thought it was her wedding and tried to organise it all).

shays_mum

Its quite normal in Asian weddings, we just put 'no boxed gifts thank-you' at the bottom of the invite, ppl tend to get the hint!

Soubrette

Although it's a lovely idea to tell people that you want their presence and not their presents, I always tell everyone thinking of this to at least write a back-up list.

I tried the no presents with my first marriage because we'd lived together and had everything we needed but people often do want to give something. So we ended up with a lot of knicky-knacky type ornaments and things we wouldn't normally use.

About 6 months later we had some friends round who had bought us a cappuccino maker. I asked my husband if he could make a cappuccino coffee for us all, to be met with a blank look. 'With the coffee maker we had as a wedding present' I prompted. 'Oh that', he said dismissively, 'I took the plug off of that ages ago!' :eek:

Personally I wouldn't care if I was asked for money other than gifts, if I was skint I might club in with some other guests I knew though .

I like the idea of the wishing well :cool:

Sou

masterkay

melancholly wrote: »

i genuinely don't see how asking for money is any different from having a list. the couple picks the items to have on their list and then they will clearly know how much anyone has spent anyway.....

I think it's the whole mental perception of it yes they can work out what you paid but you went to the effort to get it so that somehow makes it feel like there was something bigger than writing a cheque or sticking some notes/vouchers in an envelope. Also they don't know exactly what you paid (unless they are very sad and spend their time working it out or checking) and you could get yourself a good bargain if you shop around (unless you have to buy from a specific store). As I said in my previous post I personally feel obliged to give more when giving cash because it is there in black and white and feels less personal so I have to make up for that. Obviously this is my issue but from chatting to people I don't believe I am alone.

melancholly wrote: »

i find no list even worse - how do you pick something that they really want that no-one else will think of?!

Tough one but as most people I do this for I've been buying birthday and christmas presents for years already without any problems that I'm aware of and without a list or resorting to cash I find it no real different to that. I also am quite creative and make some personal things specific to the couple. I may get it wrong and they hate what I make but it's the thought that counts as well.

melancholly wrote: »

if you think that a couple will judge you for how much money you give, then why on earth go to their wedding?!?! they can't be particularly nice people if they change their attitude towards you for the sake of a gift!

I don't think people will judge you though it's human nature and people will naturally make assumptions by your gift in my opinion. Nothing awful about that as it is natural. If you live in a big house, fancy car but the price is being on the verge of bankruptcy and therefore cannot give a gift you may seem tight or nasty because people don't know all the info. Giving money is almost an admission of wealth or for most perceived wealth. Many people in debt don't want anyone to know and that's almost their encouragement to fix it before anyone finds out.

You may say you shouldn't go to a wedding if you aren't close enough to them for them to know how bad or good your financial situation is. I believe this is a personal matter.

melancholly wrote: »

weddings get very expensive very quickly for guests but people know that.

I'm not convinced people really do or as much as I would hope. From my recent experiences people are so wrapped up in how much it is costing them to have you at their wedding (overhead some couples who were getting married moaning how much it cost to have some of their "friends" attend when they didn't want them there) they forget what it is costing people to go there beyond the price of a present. I think this is more a comment on our society than anything else.

melancholly wrote: »

i don't see that couples should feel guilty as lists/requests for specific vouchers make it much easier to sort out.

Me either but I think it depends how you go about it. If you cannot make a list because you have everything, should people be asked for money, surely there is no point of gifts in the traditional sense?

I list ranging from low to high price range, a request for vouchers for a specific thing that doesn't seem like you are funding a lifestyle are all fine by me. Cash seems impersonal and you never know what it was spent on really and the idea you just gave people money in their general cash flow abyss just doesn't sit well.

If someone is spending £25K on a big day and has got themselves into debt over this and is really looking for money as gifts to help cover this (I doubt they would advertise this fact) I don't like this. One of the weddings I went to recently I got this impression from the couple. I felt my gift had to cover my cost of being there because the year before the wedding all the couple did was talk about how much it was costing them for each person. £25K wedding, 125 guests that means we all give £200 to pay for our part. So their wedding gets paid for and I'm down £700 in total when I pay for gift, outfit, travel, accommodation, food and drink, stag/hen night.

melancholly wrote: »

all my friends know i have hardly any money, so anything i can give will be appreciated. as i said, if i thought any of them would be offended that i hadn't spent lots of money, then i wouldn't bother accepting the invitation!

That's a great way to be. I would like to be more like you. I'm not in debt but I always give into pressure and give what I believe is too much money as a present (even after all my moaning, I still do it, I just don't like it).

I think I've just had too many weddings this year and a £2000 loss in my savings for a few days that were just OK doesn't seem very MSE.

A few extra things. Get your thank you notes out ASAP. Still keep contact with your close friends even though you are still recovering from the wedding.

There is nothing I dislike more than giving £200, not receiving a thank you card and not hearing from the couple when we would have before.

This is all from my recent personal experience and the fact that I cannot get away from the issue that I feel obliged to give more money that I believe is reasonable for the fear people may think I'm scrooge (my personal problem I admit but I don't think I'm alone). I'm not saying asking for money is wrong, I just don't appreciate it. I think it really depends on how you execute it. Be specific what you want it for and mention what you used the money for in the thank you note.

I can imagine a MSE thank you note.

Dear Good friend,
Thank you for the £200 cash you gave us. It was very generous of you. We managed to put the money to good use buying £300 worth of gifts from our list because we are great MSEs and didn't buy from that expensive shop where our wedding list was held. We also managed to get cashback on it as we paid with our cashback credit card and then paid it with your money, we also used quidco and we can expect another approximately 7% cashback in a couple of months. Thank you very much for not buying a gift as that would not have been very MSE at all

Many Thanks
Happily Married Couple

Actually if I got that thank you note I'd be giving money all the time

masterkay

Gforce wrote: »

To be fair even if BS had already made up her mind, she does seem to have appreciated hearing other peoples opinions

She's thanked us all for responding which is a sign of appreciation. I agree with you Gforce

I believe that it is more likely than not is that cash would be requested by BS not because her mind was made up, just because it's easier and so many people do. As you can see lots of people do it and lots of people don't like it (maybe more than people imagine). You aren't going to get it right for everyone.

What I was hoping BS may get from this was maybe the best/a better way to execute it without alienating all the moany people like me in the world. That's why I have replied so much trying to give an alternative view.

HariboJunkie

Gforce wrote: »

To be fair even if BS had already made up her mind, she does seem to have appreciated hearing other peoples opinions

My apologies Gforce. I didn't pick up on that.

Masterkay.....I love the MSE thankyou note.:D

strawberrysarz

I think asking for money is fine. When my friends got married in September, they wrote in the invitiations:

"As you know we have already set up home, we would really appreciate contributions towards the honeymoon instead".

I loved the honesty of it, they are booked on a fantastic trip to Cuba.

Good luck x

brazilianwax

My cousin and his fiance want money for their wedding next year. They are young and aren't well off by any means (their family even subsidise their rent). Both sets of parents have taken big loans to pay for the wedding (and a £5k honeymoon :eek: ).

What do they want money for? To replay their parents? To pay for the honeymoon themselves?

Nope. A hot tub. :rolleyes:

Gforce_2

brazilianwax wrote: »

My cousin and his fiance want money for their wedding next year. They are young and aren't well off by any means (their family even subsidise their rent). Both sets of parents have taken big loans to pay for the wedding (and a £5k honeymoon :eek: ).

What do they want money for? To replay their parents? To pay for the honeymoon themselves?

Nope. A hot tub. :rolleyes:

Jeez, spoilt much!:rolleyes: