Loveless Marriages

SparklesSuzie

Thanks candygirl I think the real reason he is upset is because he knows deep down I don’t love him anymore. Keeps telling me how much he loves me but if he really loved me he should let me go given that I’m still not happy after over 2 years of trying.

SparklesSuzie

Also I feel it was my poor mental health that allowed myself to be treated like a door mat for many years and I should of spoke up before I got to the point I did but I wasn’t strong enough back then.

candygirl

SparklesSuzie wrote: »

Also I feel it was my poor mental health that allowed myself to be treated like a door mat for many years and I should of spoke up before I got to the point I did but I wasn’t strong enough back then.

I understand that, n it's a shame the relationship isn't working, for both of you.However He needs to realise that no amount of crying, or threat making can control you any more
You're entitled to be happy in life x

SparklesSuzie

Thankyou candygirl

Vegastare

Your situation is awful and I can only say it is indeed emotional blackmail.
The counselling is a must, and also setting times for yourself, whether you go for a coffee after counselling so you can think over your thoughts and maybe another day the library or a slimming club, something he wouldn't want to do.
You mention grown children, have you spoken with them about your feelings....a friend and her husband split a few years ago and her two children were her rock, there idea was very much that if they left it till both retired it would be harder as both would be at home. plus they were supportive to both friend and hubby.
As for why people stay together - I think it is just out of a type of comfort, set in there ways, better the one you know etc. But when it hurts and becomes unbearable and it turns to dislike and loathing(maybe the wrong word) you need to move on.

Mojisola

SparklesSuzie wrote: »

I’ve raised my children like a single parent and fighting for every penny from him.

I told him 2 years ago I was leaving (and meant it) but with the suicide threat I backed out. Since then he has mostly treated me like a princess but is still quite mean with money.

Too little, too late.

If he really loved you as much as he says he does, he would have been a proper husband and father throughout those years.

It sounds as if he's scared of being alone rather than really wanting you because he loves you.

Primrose

Suzie - meanness of spirit is hard to live with and forgive and it sounds as if in many ways you've lived the life of a single parent for years. Your husband doesn,t need to threaten suicide. He,s already inviting an early death by different means by smoking, drinking and eating the sort of food that will turn him into a diabetic or cause him to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on this unhealthy living indefinitely. How will you feel if he willfully brings on this incapacity and you still feel trapped with living with him ?

So start planning to leave now. Separate your finances. Get your personal documents (birth cert, driving licence, passport etc) stored in a safe place (safety deposit box at bank or at a relative's?) and start getting familiar with local rental costs for a place of your own. If you move out you will need a rental deposit and probably funds for solicitors fees if you are planning a divorce so do your research steadily, and if you have a laptop or phone, get it password protected.

Your husband may sense your drawing away and may start to change his behaviour but if you really are that unhappy and resentful and feel there never can be a reconciliation, you will be better biting the bullet and getting your plans together to leave. It won,t be easy so try and expand your social network if you can. Good friends are sanity savers in difficult personal situations.

SparklesSuzie

I’ve not spoken to my children Vegastare but I’ve spoken to a couple of close friends over the years. I think just today I’ve made up my mind to make a plan and separate. It won’t be immediately as I want to get things in order first. I appreciate ever reply you all have given as it’s helped me to reach a decision but it will be so so hard to tell him

SparklesSuzie

Ooh Primrose we crossed posted there with the same idea of a plan. Thankyou so very much all.

SparklesSuzie

Primrose we have a lovely rental property we own already. Currently let to a nice couple. Our house could be split into two so very easily and tbh he only uses the back of house and I only use the front. It’s a dorma bungalow with large extension. The kitchen would need planning so we could both have a sink but other than that it would just be a stud wall. Also the entrances would mean we didn’t bump into each other very often being on different streets. I know that wouldn’t be ideal but it would protect our pension pot income from the rental. He wouldn’t want to move out, I know and as our youngest still lives at home neither would I. My kids are my absolute world.