Loveless Marriages

SparklesSuzie

I’m interested in people’s reasons for living in a loveless marriage. Ive been in one for 18 years now & I feel I can’t leave my husband for fear of hurting him. I told him 2 years ago I was leaving & he begged me to stay & work on our marriage. He threatened to kill himself. He is trying so hard to be the perfect husband but my feelings are not returning due to his previous hurtful behaviour. I’m 47 & he is 54. I would like for him to agree to separate & would feel such relief if he did. However I feel like I would break him if I made the decision to go. I’m very unhappy.

MovingForwards

You won't get his agreement to splitting up, so stop thinking you will.

If you do not love your husband, do not have any feelings returning two years after saying you want to separate why would you stay.

You say your husband threatened to kill himself if you left, that isn't a good reason to stay. Not many people carry out their threat.

I'm sorry, but you have one life and deserve to be happy and in a mutually beneficial relationship.

You can be mindful of his feelings, but who is looking after yours?

Are you financially independent? If not, can you work on that, get some money behind you and move on?

Do you want to stay in that relationship for another 40 years? You are already unhappy, that unhappiness could turn into resentment, hatered, depression...

If you do say to your husband it's over and he threatens to kill himself, suggest he contact his GP and Samaritans etc. You could also contact his GP to let them know your concerns.

SparklesSuzie

I think I stay because I don’t feel I deserve to be happy due to MH problems since childhood. I just think I need to exist to care for my children who are now all adults.
It’s already turned into resentment...........,
Yes I’m financially ok & we have a rental house aswell as our own.
I’m interested why others stay in loveless marriages as I’m trying to understand why I can’t leave. When I told him I was leaving he was devasted and I don’t feel I can do that to him despite how he has treated me. I also don’t want to hurt our grown up children.

SparklesSuzie

Thankyou for your reply MovingForwards I really appreciate it.

MovingForwards

Have you thought about counseling just for yourself to aid you exploring your reasons for staying and how to break free from your own mental trap?

Your kids have their own lives, they would want you to be happy.

I tried to keep my own marriage going, even when my husband confessed to being in love with someone else. I was turning 40 but resented my husband, I couldn't relate to him, couldn't speak with him, even didn't find him attractive in the end.

I turned 40 and decided after a 21 year relationship and marriage I deserved happiness and love, I could have easily kept going but it wouldn't get me anywhere. I lost respect for him and for myself for staying as long as I did, because I was a teenager when we got together I had to discover who the woman was looking back at me in the mirror each day.

Over 3 years later I have only just started chatting to him again and not just about financial matters.

I'm settled in a new relationship after relocating and starting over.

My husband has also started over and is with a lovely lady from what he has said.

Most people stay together as they are afraid of being alone or because it's easy to stay and not change.

SparklesSuzie

Thankyou again for your reply. I’m not afraid to be alone. I wish to be .....
I’ve not thought about counselling just for me but do you know what it’s a brilliant idea and I will look into this straight away as I’m at a loss as to why I’ve wasted so much of my life. I’m hoping that could help me find the answer & ultimately help me move forward.

NeilCr

Yes.

I agree with the comment about it being easier to stay. Also, in our case, it wasn't that bad. We got along okay and had separate lives which we both enjoyed. In the end she thought she'd found someone else (she hadn't) and we had a talk and decided to split. Probably, should have had that talk earlier.

My ex did suffer from depression. There was one serious suicide attempt when we were together and another not so serious one after we split up. I had to go over and help the emergency services with the situation

Now, twenty years or so later we are both settled and happy. She is living in a part of the country she always wanted to move to. I am down by the sea and after a number of years on my own am in a "not living together and seeing one another a couple of times a week" relationship which suits us both.

My ex and I talk every week and probably get on as well as we ever have. We haven't actually met for a long time but do trust each other for advice on certain matters.

Grenage

You can't live for someone else; yes it will hurt him, but you have to put yourself first. You have one life, don't look back in 20 years and think "why did I waste that much time?".

Your husband is very unlikely to kill himself; even if he did, that would on him - not you.

Your children are adults, they will cope regardless.

The fact that you've made this thread means that you already know what needs to be done.

candygirl

He's threatening to kill himself, but by staying, You are dying inside:(

badmemory

Your children may well have been muttering amongst themselves for years along the lines of why do they stay together! Maybe it is time to feel them out about it & hopefully they will give you the permission you seem to feel you need to get out.

HampshireH

You say he has hurt you etc in the past. Whether emotionally or physically this has lead you to stay but detach.

Now it sounds like you do so due to emotional abuse of blackmail/manipulation. His threats of violence towards himself being the tool he uses to control you.

He knows you arent happy yet continues to ensure you don't leave by threatening suicide. Control.

Awful as it sounds sometimes you have to call their bluff and do whats right for you. You have kids so he has more to live for than a loveless marriage.

If he cannot see that then thats not your fault.

Goodluck with the counselling. Hope it gives you the confidence to make whatever decision works for you.