Marriage problems

Pollycat

Ergates wrote: »

And what's he going to do about it in the middle of the night?

I guess the OP will just have to wait and see.
Hopefully, before it comes to that, she will have had the often suggested legal advice and will be aware of what actions she can legally take.

paddy's_mum

Ergates wrote: »

And what's he going to do about it in the middle of the night?

Kick off a disturbance in the street....so Police involvement, furious neighbours and yet more trouble for the OP who is already struggling with multiple problems.

Personally, I believe that the OP cannot afford not to obtain competent legal advice in order to avoid making an already complex situation much worse.

AylesburyDuck

I'm shocked at the amount of people pointing out his rights, does the OP and her right to sleep safely in her own bed at night not matter?
Legally your right to points these things out, but frankly looking at it morally :eek: i think the OP has more rights than you all think, the abuse laws have changed remember.
OP, take a look at this, it may well help you get him out of the house.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

Gavin83

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

I'm shocked at the amount of people pointing out his rights, does the OP and her right to sleep safely in her own bed at night not matter?
Legally your right to points these things out, but frankly looking at it morally :eek:

He has a legal right to enter the property, she doesn't (technically speaking) have a legal right to sleep safely in her bed. It's probably not best to deal with morals in such a situation but the legal viewpoint and therefore I don't see what's wrong with the advice given. She can't lock him out of the house, at the moment anyway, that's a fact.

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

i think the OP has more rights than you all think, the abuse laws have changed remember.
OP, take a look at this, it may well help you get him out of the house.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

Besides the fact that virtually everything seems to be considered abuse these days I can't see any real signs of it here so I'm not sure how helpful this advice is.

In all honesty ultimately he'll probably be removed from the property anyway if the OP is planning on being the primary carer for the child. However he still owns it and will always be entitled to a portion of it's value.

Depending on what the situation is with pensions (I expect hers is better than his) she could end up feeling totally hard done by here but that's why it's important to get proper legal advice which has also been suggested here. I'm honestly not sure what the courts would do where someone holds most of the assets and will be the primary carer for the children. You might well find she loses her pension or the house entirely.

99bottles

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

I'm shocked at the amount of people pointing out his rights, does the OP and her right to sleep safely in her own bed at night not matter?
Legally your right to points these things out, but frankly looking at it morally :eek: i think the OP has more rights than you all think, the abuse laws have changed remember.
OP, take a look at this, it may well help you get him out of the house.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

What abuse?
As far as I can see he likes to spend time with his friends, likes to smoke and drink. She earns money and spends it without being controlled, the fact she is sensible and spends it on bills and food doesn't make him controlling. There is no violence or mental abuse beyond a typical family.

Yes in her eyes the marriage has broken down and she wants out. We dont have his side of the story and the fact that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with her seems like he may also not be happy with the relationship.

She can safely sleep in her bed at night with a locked door, she does not need to bolt it, especially as it seems only to be a petty way at getting at him.

She has two options ask him to move out, he may happily do It, he may do it with money for a deposit. Or she can move out, get herself of the bills, let the council know, as long as she pays the mortgage everything else will be his problem.

Pollycat

Gavin83 wrote: »

He has a legal right to enter the property, she doesn't (technically speaking) have a legal right to sleep safely in her bed. It's probably not best to deal with morals in such a situation but the legal viewpoint and therefore I don't see what's wrong with the advice given. She can't lock him out of the house, at the moment anyway, that's a fact.

Besides the fact that virtually everything seems to be considered abuse these days I can't see any real signs of it here so I'm not sure how helpful this advice is.

In all honesty ultimately he'll probably be removed from the property anyway if the OP is planning on being the primary carer for the child. However he still owns it and will always be entitled to a portion of it's value.

Depending on what the situation is with pensions (I expect hers is better than his) she could end up feeling totally hard done by here but that's why it's important to get proper legal advice which has also been suggested here. I'm honestly not sure what the courts would do where someone holds most of the assets and will be the primary carer for the children. You might well find she loses her pension or the house entirely.

Indeed.
All the moral high-ground in the world isn't going to help the OP with her legal rights.

FTR, I do have sympathy for the the OP.
I just didn't see the point in advising her to lock him out or kick him out (unlike some other posters) - from a legal perspective.
Tea and back-patting 'there there' isn't going to help the OP.
A session with a solicitor will.

Marvel1

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

OP, take a look at this, it may well help you get him out of the house.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

What abuse? Can you point this out?

paddy's_mum

"staying out all night several times a week" has got to be outrageous behaviour from a spouse from whatever point of view you choose to look at it - morally, financially, emotionally, and legally in light of the divorce laws.

It may not be what you personally choose to describe as abuse but it sure as hell isn't acceptable conduct in anyone's eyes, surely?

Pollycat

paddy's_mum wrote: »

"staying out all night several times a week" has got to be outrageous behaviour from a spouse from whatever point of view you choose to look at it - morally, financially, emotionally, and legally in light of the divorce laws.

It may not be what you personally choose to describe as abuse but it sure as hell isn't acceptable conduct in anyone's eyes, surely?

It wouldn't be acceptable conduct in my eyes, but I'm not saying that from a legal perspective.
I don't know how the law would view that behaviour.

I'm not an expert in marital law.
Just curious - are any of the posters on this thread experts in marital law?

AylesburyDuck

winterblues2019 wrote: »

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice please and to have a vent, I didn't sleep last night.

I got married 11 years ago and we had a child 5 years ago. We moved to our house 2 years ago (joint mortgage).

He's always liked a drink and going out but it's escalating and he's staying out all night several times a week and sleeping all the next day and hasn't been working much in 6 months and not giving me any money so I am paying for mortgage and all bills and everything else (I work full time) and I'm struggling and have run up credit card debt.

Here's a list of my complaints (obviously the relationship is over):
Drinking
Not coming home til the next day
Coming home 4am
Sleeps all the next day
I can't lock door and I don't feel safe
Smoking
Tells me I'm lazy
Doesn't let me stay in bed at 9am on Saturday
I had conjunctivitis in both eyes and couldn't see or sleep and he was complaining I stayed in bed for a day
Drinks and drives
Texts and calls and drives and I don't feel safe and I get stressed
2 parking tickets, cost us more than 300 (he hid the court papers from me until it was too late and he got a default)
Speeding ticket cost us 100
Doesn't work and doesn't give me enough money
I have all the responsibility to make sure mortgage and bills and credit cards and his car and van insurances etc are paid and I can't manage everything on my own
Spent 15k on a car we can't afford just to show off
I don't trust him, he's not honest, he's happy to stay in this situation with me even though he doesn't love and respect me as I am providing everything for him financially
Not affectionate or kind to me, doesn't hug me or hold my hand or say anything sweet to me
Tells our son "we don't need mummy, what do we need mummy for"
I pay for everything in the house, it's all on my shoulders, I might get some money from him on some random day but it's not guaranteed
No family life, he's out drinking with his friends 3 times a week or sleeping or playing football so doesn't do things with me and our son
We have no money bc he spends it on going out with his friends so I am struggling to pay bills and credit cards and can't pay to fix things in the house
Doesn't go out with me or take me anywhere or give me a break from work and son
Takes me for granted
I have done alot for his family over past 11 years and still do and he complains if I ask him to do things for me and my family
His family lived with us for nearly 10 years in my 1 bedroom flat without asking me

I don't drink, smoke, go out much, don't have a car and I feel stressed about buying myself lunch at work bc of money worries. My "partner" doesn't care about these things and spends money on these things and might give me something at some point if I'm lucky, drinking and staying out all night isn't good for his physical or mental health and he takes antidepressants as well which also isn't good for his liver and he complains about being fat all the time without doing a thing to look after his health.

Thanks for reading this far!

Our mortgage is fixed for another 8 years and we'll have to pay £13k ERC, is it unreasonable to ask him to move out and I will get a lodger and in 8 years we can sell the house?

I must be enabling him so it's time to cut the apron strings and maybe he'll sort himself out.

What abuse? Extracted from the link i gave. With highlighted example above, of some of them, others are connected as well to the highlighted.


"It includes the following types of abuse:

psychological:
physical
sexual
financial
emotional abuse."
Most of the above are psychological, with bad financial abuse and added emotional abuse.
All of the above tbh is abusive in some way, you just dont treat people you "supposedly" love like that. But by all means carry on making the OP feel bad because she's more or less paid for everything, while he continues to abuse her financially with his 15 grand car he doesn't work or earn for.
I wondered what rubbish i would come back too, you lot never fail to disappoint!
Hilarious.