Am I being unreasonable? Husband demanding sex!

elljay

Primrose wrote: »

I suggest you sit down, have a serious talk and come up with a list of household jobs on which you need his support on an ongoing basis if you're going to have any energy to resume any intimacy.

My ex husband was like the OP's but I eventually sat him down with a list as you suggest and had a serious talk. He seemed to really recognise my issues and so we went through the list. Not so much things I needed support with, just things that needed doing, for example he would get our son ready in the morning and I would get our daughter ready. Everything down to putting the milkbottles out at the end of the day - sometimes I was so exhausted that even doing that seemed like Everest to climb. He agreed to put his initials against everything he felt ok with doing and we stuck it on the fridge. All agreed. Happily I thought we had turned the corner but of course really it was lip-service to get what he wanted. However after a couple of days I realised things with his initials weren't being done and when I asked why or if we should swap jobs if some weren't working for him he seemed surprised. His comment was - ' well you know you can't rely on me doing them'. I can laugh now!

His father was the same, family life revolved around him. I moved out with the kids, cat and very little else. Because I'd left him his view was that it was all my fault so why should I have any share of the furniture or anything else. I didn't care and we got by on cheap furniture and handouts though as I was earning well it quickly got better. I'd been spending so much on family stuff anyway (like school trips for the children which he didn't agree with) but didn't realise.

My kids are now adults, have wonderful true partnerships with their other halves and I'm so glad I broke the pattern.

Sorry this wasn't supposed to be about me but it sounded so familiar. No great changes are going to happen and you will be too worn out to enjoy your children and career. Once I was without him dragging me down I was hardly ever too tired to put the milkbottles out!

EJ

Pollycat

elljay wrote: »

My ex husband was like the OP's but I eventually sat him down with a list as you suggest and had a serious talk. He seemed to really recognise my issues and so we went through the list. Not so much things I needed support with, just things that needed doing, for example he would get our son ready in the morning and I would get our daughter ready. Everything down to putting the milkbottles out at the end of the day - sometimes I was so exhausted that even doing that seemed like Everest to climb. He agreed to put his initials against everything he felt ok with doing and we stuck it on the fridge. All agreed. Happily I thought we had turned the corner but of course really it was lip-service to get what he wanted. However after a couple of days I realised things with his initials weren't being done and when I asked why or if we should swap jobs if some weren't working for him he seemed surprised. His comment was - ' well you know you can't rely on me doing them'. I can laugh now!

His father was the same, family life revolved around him. I moved out with the kids, cat and very little else. Because I'd left him his view was that it was all my fault so why should I have any share of the furniture or anything else. I didn't care and we got by on cheap furniture and handouts though as I was earning well it quickly got better. I'd been spending so much on family stuff anyway (like school trips for the children which he didn't agree with) but didn't realise.

My kids are now adults, have wonderful true partnerships with their other halves and I'm so glad I broke the pattern.

Sorry this wasn't supposed to be about me but it sounded so familiar. No great changes are going to happen and you will be too worn out to enjoy your children and career. Once I was without him dragging me down I was hardly ever too tired to put the milkbottles out!

EJ

:T
I hope the OP reads this ^^^^ and re-evaluates her life and the life of her children.

kazwookie

What would happen if you were ill, lets say in hospital for a long time to the children and dog? what is your plan to cover this event.

My friend has now been in hospital for 30 days (fingers crossed she will be out in 7 days) her husband has gone to pieces, and moaning at her in hospital as he has no clean clothes, no food, dogs not looked after, rubbish not out, house to clean (her children are adults) so from her hospital bed, she has arrange a cleaner, dogs to kennels, supermarket shop on line and delivery etc etc

She is going to have a serious talk to her husband when she is out and stronger about him pulling his weight and not being so unless, she is going yet again to show him how the washing machine works, where the hoover / clean products are and how to use them etc etc........ he does know what to do / how to do it, but just won't...................

To be honest I suggest you leave with the children / dog, or get him to leave, in the long run you will all be better for it. (IMO)

paddy's_mum

kazwookie wrote: »

she has arrange a cleaner, dogs to kennels, supermarket shop on line and delivery.....she is going yet again to show him how the washing machine works

And that is EXACTLY why nothing will ever change! There surely comes a time when any self respecting partner (whether marital, business, or anything else of a joint nature) uses that same energy to say no more!

74jax

kazwookie wrote: »

so from her hospital bed, she has arrange a cleaner, dogs to kennels, supermarket shop on line and delivery etc etc

t. (IMO)

I don't understand why she would do this. No wonder he stays with her.

GlasweJen

kazwookie wrote: »

What would happen if you were ill, lets say in hospital for a long time to the children and dog? what is your plan to cover this event.

My friend has now been in hospital for 30 days (fingers crossed she will be out in 7 days) her husband has gone to pieces, and moaning at her in hospital as he has no clean clothes, no food, dogs not looked after, rubbish not out, house to clean (her children are adults) so from her hospital bed, she has arrange a cleaner, dogs to kennels, supermarket shop on line and delivery etc etc

She is going to have a serious talk to her husband when she is out and stronger about him pulling his weight and not being so unless, she is going yet again to show him how the washing machine works, where the hoover / clean products are and how to use them etc etc........ he does know what to do / how to do it, but just won't...................

To be honest I suggest you leave with the children / dog, or get him to leave, in the long run you will all be better for it. (IMO)

Stuff the cleaner and the online shopping, I'd have arranged a kennel so the dog doesn't die of neglect but the cleaner and shopping are pure enabling. He'd soon get his act together if he actually ran out of food or clean clothes

onwards&upwards

GlasweJen wrote: »

Stuff the cleaner and the online shopping, I'd have arranged a kennel so the dog doesn't die of neglect but the cleaner and shopping are pure enabling. He'd soon get his act together if he actually ran out of food or clean clothes

I suppose she doesn’t want to come home from hospital to a shithole that she is then expected to start cleaning instead of recovering. In addition though an appointment with a divorce lawyer might be an idea!

dawyldthing

A couple of school and uni friends are going through this at the moment (to be fair none of them are married as far as I know, but all have kids and have been with their partners upto 11 years but I keep seeing folk splitting up)

It’s emotional abuse. What actually are you getting out the relationship? He’s getting everything done for him, but your not benefitting. Now he’s demanding sex (I know what I would be saying to that one. You have to think about yourself. You really do. My mum bought me up from the off and yeah it was tough but she did it and did it well.

From the outside if you split up you’d actually be getting a quieter life than what you get at the moment in all honesty

theoretica

Another potential moral of this story - make sure any sons you may have learn how to cook and do housework!

paddy's_mum

It never ceases to amaze me that the male of the species can boast (and have done for centuries) that they are the clever sex, the ones with the technical minds, the inventors of such great things as algebra, aircraft, typewriters, medical advances, telephones as well as the much vaunted rocket science and yet don't know how to do basic Cub Scout stuff such as switch on a hoover.....:rotfl: