Am I being unreasonable? Husband demanding sex!

mojo69

He's only in his 30's, yet he acts like my dad who's 70!
He was initially helpful when we moved in together, and things were good. I suppose when the kids came along, life changes doesn't it and my focus has been on them. But he has he hobbies and we revolve around him. His time is for him and he doenst like to compromise. I used to go to yoga and had to give it up because it interfered with his schedule!

He says I'm controlling him by not giving him sex. But to be honest, my libido isn't what it used to be and it's not something I can turn on to suit someone else.

Our priorities are different, but when I point this out he says he's nor listening to me nagging him. I've given him specific jobs but he can't be relied on to do them...putting the bloody bin out once a week is a challenge in itself! We got a dog because he wanted to and he never walks her, that's down to me. I leave for work at 6.30am and I'm out at 5.30am with her.

I just don't know how to make him see what's happening, I've tried leaving his clothes, he doesnt care. But I will be feeding the girls and myself and leave him to feed himself for a while! I did suggest counselling, but that fell on deaf ears.
I suppose I have to maybe admit it's the end of the road. I know I'll be ok without him, it's the impact on the kids that'll be hard. They took it bad last time he left, but we were ok after a while.

Thank you for responding, sometimes you just need someone to say it's not you...it's him.

74jax

mojo69 wrote: »

Now things have got to the point where he says he will not help me if I'm not helping him meet his needs!

I don't see the problem with this. You say he isn't doing anything anyway, you have been doing it for ages, so there's no difference.

Now he won't pester you for sex but you just carry on as normal.

Maybe after a few weeks you can look at the situation again and decide if you want to remain in the marriage, but for the time being if just be thankful to carry on as normal without him bothering you.

Hermia

mojo69 wrote: »

He's only in his 30's, yet he acts like my dad who's 70!
He was initially helpful when we moved in together, and things were good. I suppose when the kids came along, life changes doesn't it and my focus has been on them. But he has he hobbies and we revolve around him. His time is for him and he doenst like to compromise. I used to go to yoga and had to give it up because it interfered with his schedule!

He says I'm controlling him by not giving him sex. But to be honest, my libido isn't what it used to be and it's not something I can turn on to suit someone else.

Our priorities are different, but when I point this out he says he's nor listening to me nagging him. I've given him specific jobs but he can't be relied on to do them...putting the bloody bin out once a week is a challenge in itself! We got a dog because he wanted to and he never walks her, that's down to me. I leave for work at 6.30am and I'm out at 5.30am with her.

I just don't know how to make him see what's happening, I've tried leaving his clothes, he doesnt care. But I will be feeding the girls and myself and leave him to feed himself for a while! I did suggest counselling, but that fell on deaf ears.
I suppose I have to maybe admit it's the end of the road. I know I'll be ok without him, it's the impact on the kids that'll be hard. They took it bad last time he left, but we were ok after a while.

Thank you for responding, sometimes you just need someone to say it's not you...it's him.

They will take it hard but it really isn't healthy for girls to grow up seeing this sort of relationship. I have friends who grew up with this sort of family dynamic and ended up in similar relationships. I honestly can't see how this relationship can be saved if one person is so monumentally selfish and won't compromise at all.

74jax

If you are out at 6.30am to work, does he get the kids up for school etc?

mojo69

Nope, the girls get up at 6am because they want to, they hate dad doing mornings with them. He stays in bed until 7.30am, he even gets our 10 yr old to make his coffee for him! Before I leave for work the girls are fed, dressed and all ready to go.

I have pointed out that the way he is will have an effect on how the girls view relationships, it's not healthy at all. But he twists it that I'm being stupid and they won't see that at all.

74jax

mojo69 wrote: »

Nope, the girls get up at 6am because they want to, they hate dad doing mornings with them. He stays in bed until 7.30am, he even gets our 10 yr old to make his coffee for him! Before I leave for work the girls are fed, dressed and all ready to go.

I have pointed out that the way he is will have an effect on how the girls view relationships, it's not healthy at all. But he twists it that I'm being stupid and they won't see that at all.

If your daughters came to you in 20 yrs and explained this was the marriage they were in, what would you say? If they replied they thought it was normal and what women put up with because it is how they had been brought up, how would you feel?

Gloomendoom

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My late father was born in 1904 and he could cook and always helped with housework.

Well said. My grandfather was born in 1894 and retired a long time before my grandmother (big age gap). He did all the housework and cooking.

mojo69

I'd be mortified if my girls found themselves in a similar relationship. My dad was pretty much the same with my lovely mother and here I am in the same boat.

elsien

I do have to say though that you're not doing yourself any favours either.

For example why are you walking the dog at 5.30 while he has a lie in instead of sticking your head round the bedroom door on the way out and saying "by the way, the dog still needs to go out."

I get that it's easier to do it yourself and you've probably got a conscience about it, but that's just enabling his behaviour even more.

Gavin83

A bit of a personal question but it is relevant to the thread, how often do you actually have sex?

I'll try and offer a different perspective on this and remain as impartial as possible. You say everything was fine before the kids came along. Being honest what dried up first, the sex or him helping out around the house? Rightly or wrongly he could feel he's in a sexless relationship and therefore doesn't feel you're a partnership anymore and his way to retaliate is by refusing to help out. You could well be stuck in a catch 22 situation where he doesn't want to help out because you aren't having sex and you don't want to have sex because he doesn't help out around the house. Is it fair to say he's far less affectionate than he used to be too?

Honestly I'd imagine marriage counselling would do you the world of good so you could both get your point across, or at least an honest conversation while the kids are away. If he isn't prepared to do this then I can't see much of a way forward for you two. Communication is key.