Am I being unreasonable? Husband demanding sex!

mojo69

I don't know where to turn, hence posting here.

I've been married for 6 years of my 12 year relationship. But I'm at breaking point. My husband does little to help me around the house or with our kids, we both work full time and life leaves little time to relax. I don't get much time to myself as my husband is out a lot and when he is home he's sat on his phone in a different world. There is little communication between us, he very rarely starts a conversation and I don't find out things until someone else has told me. He doesn't interact with the kids, doesn't help with their homework and rarely takes them out.
We split up for a few months a couple of years back as he wanted to 'get some space'. We had drifted apart and he said I was nagging him too much about housework ECT and that I wasn't affectionate enough towards him. When I'm working full time and get home and doing jobs until the girls go to bed, the last thing I'm thinking of doing is jumping into bed for sex! He comes home from work and does sod all! I've said I'd quite happily switch roles and see how he gets on!

I took him back as he said he'd realised how important we were to him...but he's back to his old self again.
Now things have got to the point where he says he will not help me if I'm not helping him meet his needs! I've pointed out that he's not helping me, he should be doing the things that any partner should do. He's a adult and it feels like I've got 3 kids to pick up after, cook for etc. But today he told me that I was being unreasonable and need to get my head checked!
I just need someone to give me some advice please....

onwards&upwards

You both work full time and he will only deign to do a bit of housework or childcare if you buy it from him with sex?

There’s no respect for you there. Let him move out, live in a dirty flat somewhere and see how much sex he gets then.

Sounds like you’d be loads better off without him and the kids will be better off if you’re happier and he doesn’t bother with them anyway.

mojo69

Basically, yes. His attitude is that why should he do anything that benefits me if there is nothing in it for him.
I can't make him see that in not being unreasonable. From my point of view he has become a stranger in a lot of ways. He thinks love equates to sex only.

Hermia

mojo69 wrote: »

Basically, yes. His attitude is that why should he do anything that benefits me if there is nothing in it for him.
I can't make him see that in not being unreasonable. From my point of view he has become a stranger in a lot of ways. He thinks love equates to sex only.

When you say he has become a stranger do you mean he was different in the early days of the relationship? Did he contribute to the relationship and see it more as a give and take situation? If it used to be more of an equal partnership then I guess it could be worth trying marriage therapy. If you were still doing all the housework, admin and working full-time back then it just sounds like he has become more entrenched in his archaic views. How old is he? I know 50+ guys who are more enlightened than this guy!

seven-day-weekend

Hermia wrote: »

When you say he has become a stranger do you mean he was different in the early days of the relationship? Did he contribute to the relationship and see it more as a give and take situation? If it used to be more of an equal partnership then I guess it could be worth trying marriage therapy. If you were still doing all the housework, admin and working full-time back then it just sounds like he has become more entrenched in his archaic views. How old is he? I know 50+ guys who are more enlightened than this guy!

My late father was born in 1904 and he could cook and always helped with housework. My husband is 70 and does ALL the cooking. Nothing to do with age.

Yes I think this man is being unreasonable. But you need to talk and communicate with each other, properly, not just bickering.

Hope you get it sorted.

Primrose

It sounds as if this relationship has long since deteriorated to the point when you have stopped thinking of yourselves as a joint unit who are pulling together for the common good and each other's wellbeing and your husband sounds like somebody from the Victorian era.

If he really doesn't want the responsibilit of a modern day partnership I can only siggest you bring a little reality into his life by letting him take responsibility for cooking his own meals for a while, doing his laundry and ironing if he wants a regular sexual life. He might then start to realise how physically exhausting it is working, looking after children and keeping a household ticking over efficiently.

I suggest you sit down, have a serious talk and come up with a list of household jobs on which you need his support on an ongoing basis if you're going to have any energy to resume any intimacy.

If he,s not prlepared to negotiate then maybe he would be better moving out again so that at least you kniw where you stand. But before doing this, have some plan as to how you would be able to manage financially. There is not point in cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Maybe tell him that from next week you are switching roles. Of course yiu can,t let your children go unfed or with dirty clothes but maybe tell him that he has to fend for himself. While his dirty shirts and underwear remain unwashed innthe laundry basket and no hot supper or lunch appears at his place on the table at mealtimes a few realities may start to sink in.

I have to say though, if your relationship is forced to make these kinds of moves to get him tomoull his weight in the partnership it,s probabkynalready beyond redemption, especially as you've already so,it up once over this issue. Perhaps his mother was his Victorian role model and did all the domestic stuff at home but that,s no excuse. He needs to accept that any relationship where both partners work and children are involved, it,s hard work and takes a lot of tolerance and unselfishness on both sides to make it work. It sounds as if he's very short on these attributes.

elsien

So all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, ironing, general organising etc is all to benefit you?
So if it's not benefitting him, stop doing it for him and he won't notice the difference, will he?

tacpot12

Have you tried Relate? They can be helpful, even if you are only able to go on your own initially.

You have tried being adult about the situation, and that hasn't worked so far, but I think you need to persever a little longer in case he can be talked around. Talking to Relate may give you the strenght to carry on, but it will also help you judge if there is a point at which it would be best to seek a divorce.

You don't need to get your head checked, or give into to his demands for sex unless you want to have sex; I understand entirely why you do not!

Tigsteroonie

What Elsien said. Stop doing anything for him, concentrate your time on yourself and the kids. Let's see how sexy he feels after having to do an urgent wash/dry/iron of shirts ready for the next day.

paddy's_mum

Spoilt brat! The family is one unit and everyone ought to be contributing to its welfare instead of chucking toys out of the pram.

Another idiot who will be astounded to find himself divorced, leaning on a bar somewhere complaining that his wife didn't understand him. Perhaps she understands only too well!

Autumnella

My ex of 13 years was like this. Disn't try and use sex as a bargaining tool but didn't help with anything. He was a complete mental, physical and financial drain on me and our family. I used to say he was my most difficult child. Ending things was the best thing I ever did and I never looked back. Things are so much easier in everyway now. The way your husband is behaving is borderline mental abuse.