Are we wrong to do this?

jackieblack

MortgageMamma wrote: »

My other children aren't relevant. They are much younger and all get exactly the same money spent, and none of them need or want computers.

It's not about the age of the children, the amount of money spent or whether they need a computer or not - it's about being fair.


If you're going to apply the 'needs before wants' principle to one child then, to be fair, you need to apply the principle to all your children IMO

shiny76

MortgageMamma wrote: »

yes - as she has more than enough clothes and has a bike already.

They were just examples to try to get you to think objectively.

Buying a laptop/building a PC would obviously be the sensible option but this is a christmas gift, ideally it would be something she 'wants' (or at least something you think she'll love [more than what she has said she would like]).

HampshireH

The arguement for responsibility

Give her the money. Let her make the wrong decision (in your mind) by buying a console.

When she needs the PC for homework or whatever and it isn't their she will need to manage her time appropriately and visit a library or make other arrangements. If she doesn't like it she will learn to save and spend more appropriately .

This teaches her that if she chooses to spend her money on toys rather than something she needs she will have to make other arrangements.

Needs over wants and other kids

The point other posters is making is that if your buying your other kids toys or a bike etc these are things they do not need but may want. If you are going to apply buying what they need then they would get school uniform or a book for example regardless of age.

Be careful she doesn't resent you for not allowing her at 17 to grow and be trusted to make her own decisions and suffer the consequences.

At 17 this is a likely outcome....

MortgageMamma

jackieblack wrote: »

It's not about the age of the children, the amount of money spent or whether they need a computer or not - it's about being fair.


If you're going to apply the 'needs before wants' principle to one child then, to be fair, you need to apply the principle to all your children IMO

In saying this, there would have to be an argument that my other children NEEDED something in the first place, which isn't the case so I can't really draw the comparison.

I think its a different matter giving an 8 yr old or young teen (who doesn't need to learn to live independently just yet) what they need, versus giving a 17 (almost 18) year old what they want rather than what they need, despite irresponsible spending on her part. Children at different ages require different amounts of financial support, and age appropriate life lessons. This year we have also bought and repaired two different iphones because she is careless with them.

I gave the additional info for some insight not because we are trying to dress up a "need" as a Christmas present or vice versa. We are not tight, and we don't live like paupers we just have principles and don't haemorrhage money without thinking of the consequences and the message the spending will give to a child.

What I am trying to say is - am I WRONG to try and teach my daughter financial responsibility in this way? She is a runaway train in terms of spending and is heading for financial problems if she carries on spending the way she does - Its my responsibility to educate her to prevent her having problems further down the line when she lives independently. As you can guess from my signature I'm quite big on financial education and keeping people out of debt!

Parents are financial safety nets, but should only be so when the child has been taught how to manage money initially. I was brought up very poor and there were years where I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, so I am checking my perspective is not overly harsh.

I know Christmas is about giving gifts that people will love, but Christmas itself is different for every family. We are the sort of family who don't do overly expensive gifts and Christmas generally. We prefer to go away twice a year. And no we don't make our kids pay for that!:rotfl:

MortgageMamma

HampshireH wrote: »

The arguement for responsibility

Give her the money. Let her make the wrong decision (in your mind) by buying a console.

When she needs the PC for homework or whatever and it isn't their she will need to manage her time appropriately and visit a library or make other arrangements. If she doesn't like it she will learn to save and spend more appropriately .

This teaches her that if she chooses to spend her money on toys rather than something she needs she will have to make other arrangements.

Needs over wants and other kids

The point other posters is making is that if your buying your other kids toys or a bike etc these are things they do not need but may want. If you are going to apply buying what they need then they would get school uniform or a book for example regardless of age.

Be careful she doesn't resent you for not allowing her at 17 to grow and be trusted to make her own decisions and suffer the consequences.

At 17 this is a likely outcome....

Genuine thanks for that one.:beer:

Gavin83

caprikid1 wrote: »

This has no relevance as to who purchased their machines. They have a responsibility to their clients and the data entrusted to them . Part of that responsibility is ensuring its secure. Not letting children /third parties use these machines is 100% essential and not relevant to this.

You can't say that, you've no idea what they do. We've no idea what kind of agreements or criteria they have to work to, it could just be GDPR. There are other ways to secure the data than physically stopping anyone else using the PC and there is nothing within GDPR to state they have to take these measures, they just need to keep the data secure. However this is their choice and if they aren't incredibly skilled with IT and in particular IT security I can understand this approach. However I really hope for their sake they're taking other measures.

However the second part of my question (which I notice someone else has asked too) has remained unanswered. OP, I'm assuming you and your husband have personal computing/internet needs, what do you do for those?

MortgageMamma wrote: »

As our children approach 18 (one is 21) as parents we personally expect them to become more independent

Yet you clearly don't trust her to make her own decisions in life. She doesn't feel she needs a PC, I'd suggest that's her decision to make and if there are consequences to that she'll have to deal with them.

-taff

You can try and teach her yes, but as you've not taught her the lesson where you could have, re the iphones and their repair [which if she is working she could have taken responsibility for and paid for herself] then enforcing your 'teaching' now at christmas is not going to work.
Teaching her responsibility means taking responsibility herself and paying for her mistakes. If you bail her out by buying her things or paying for the repair of items, she takes no resposibility.
If you decide to enforce spending responsably, again, you're sending a message that you are managing the money and deciding where it's spent.


You know she's making a mistake, but you can't tell a 17 year old, they just don't listen. What you can do is let her make her own mistakes and don't bail her out.

-taff

Gavin83 wrote: »

You can't say that, you've no idea what they do.

I'm guessing mortgage advisor, but I could be reading her sig all wrong...

Gavin83 wrote: »

OP, I'm assuming you and your husband have personal computing/internet needs, what do you do for those?.

Use their own computers I'd imagine, since they are allowed to see the info on them? With adequate anti-virus measures etc...

Tammykitty

Gavin83 wrote: »

You can't say that, you've no idea what they do. We've no idea what kind of agreements or criteria they have to work to, it could just be GDPR. There are other ways to secure the data than physically stopping anyone else using the PC and there is nothing within GDPR to state they have to take these measures, they just need to keep the data secure. However this is their choice and if they aren't incredibly skilled with IT and in particular IT security I can understand this approach. However I really hope for their sake they're taking other measures.

However the second part of my question (which I notice someone else has asked too) has remained unanswered. OP, I'm assuming you and your husband have personal computing/internet needs, what do you do for those?



Yet you clearly don't trust her to make her own decisions in life. She doesn't feel she needs a PC, I'd suggest that's her decision to make and if there are consequences to that she'll have to deal with them.

I don't think what the OP and her husband do for their personal computing needs is relevant.
Many work laptops can be brought home and used for personal use, but not my other people - as its giving out passwords etc, and giving access to information stored on the computer which is work related.


Or they may have tablets, or just use a phone


I don't have a laptop or PC - the only time I use one is to complete a photobook every so often, and a borrow one from a close family member.

happyandcontented

MortgageMamma wrote: »

In saying this, there would have to be an argument that my other children NEEDED something in the first place, which isn't the case so I can't really draw the comparison.

I think its a different matter giving an 8 yr old or young teen (who doesn't need to learn to live independently just yet) what they need, versus giving a 17 (almost 18) year old what they want rather than what they need, despite irresponsible spending on her part. Children at different ages require different amounts of financial support, and age appropriate life lessons. This year we have also bought and repaired two different iphones because she is careless with them.

I gave the additional info for some insight not because we are trying to dress up a "need" as a Christmas present or vice versa. We are not tight, and we don't live like paupers we just have principles and don't haemorrhage money without thinking of the consequences and the message the spending will give to a child.

What I am trying to say is - am I WRONG to try and teach my daughter financial responsibility in this way? She is a runaway train in terms of spending and is heading for financial problems if she carries on spending the way she does - Its my responsibility to educate her to prevent her having problems further down the line when she lives independently. As you can guess from my signature I'm quite big on financial education and keeping people out of debt!

Parents are financial safety nets, but should only be so when the child has been taught how to manage money initially. I was brought up very poor and there were years where I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, so I am checking my perspective is not overly harsh.

I know Christmas is about giving gifts that people will love, but Christmas itself is different for every family. We are the sort of family who don't do overly expensive gifts and Christmas generally. We prefer to go away twice a year. And no we don't make our kids pay for that!:rotfl:

If you want my honest opinion? Yes.

It is Christmas and 'life lessons' and Christmas don't mix in my opinion. There will be lots of other opportunities to teach her fiscal responsibility later in the year.

I think you are looking back and comparing what you had with how your daughter is and that is not really fair. Times have changed. She has a part-time job which is more than many teens are prepared to do (I know, as I work in a college!) and really, how she spends what she earns is up to her unless she is constantly asking you for a top up.

Re going away twice a year, I am not sure why that would be factored in? Presumably, that is your decision, not hers?

We are also big on financial responsibility, well responsibility in general, but it comes with maturity as well as parental guidance.